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From sodak_lingen: March 17 2021 at 5:00pm I was in the waiting room of the COVID ICU at our local hospital as my Father took his last breath after losing his battle to COVID. He was my best friend, and losing him has destroyed me. It’s been over a year and it still tears me to pieces.
I’ve always had self confidence issues, but his death has transformed my insecurities into self loathing and hate.
I don’t know how to live up to his legacy, take care of my siblings, and be strong for my Mom
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Hi Friend, i thank you so much for sharing this and also feel sorry for your loss. it is truly heartbreaking
when someone close has gone. you do everything you can for your family and mom, so be proud of that.
you have all the rights to do, we are proud of you and i am for sure. taking care shows a lot of courage
and heart and you have that. don’t let hate into your life, it is hard but try to stay calm and also give
yourself the self care you need and deserve. do things that you love, with the people that you love.
grief can stay a long time, but you will overcome that, take small steps and remind you of the good
memories. you can also consider a therapy or self help group for you, that helps a lot. you will do good
i am sure. we are always here for you, because you deserve that and you are worth it. you matter
my friend, have a nice day and feel hugged, Greetings
Geez - it is so brutal to have something that in and of itself is tragic - losing your father - morph all of these battles you were facing into things that feel so insurmountable. Insecurity is one thing, but then to have it morph into something so much more difficult - self HATE, feeling like you are a failure and will never be able to rise to take on the mantle of your father’s legacy…it’s so hard. Hard to feel like his death placed all of the burden of his life on your shoulders. Because of your reverence for your father, it’s not that you would ever vocalize or attribute this to his passing, but there’s a piece of this which is embittering to him – why did you have to be so damn good? Why did you have to leave me to carry this weight? Part of you wants to be free from that weight - to cast it aside and cover yourself in apathy…I didn’t want this anyways, I don’t want to be like my dad, just let it fall to the ground…but then part of that feels dishonoring. Like you would also be discarding HIM, his MEMORY, his LIFE…so it feels like you’re obligated to carrying this weight, but you feel incapable to do so, so it just feels crushing. Which then, turns your anger inward. Damnit, why can’t I just be better? Stronger? Not as much of a fuck up? It feels you have to vent your anger somewhere, because anger feels powerful, it feels like something you can DO, ENERGY when you feel incapable or overwhelmed. But especially aimed at yourself, it is actually a counter-productive energy because you are tearing at yourself, at your own ability to proceed. But these feelings are all such a soup…it’s hard to tell one ingredient from the other. Just feels like one fucking mess. I’m so sorry. Hard to feel alone in the midst of it all. To feel like the weight is all yours to carry. Honored to hear your story and have a window into this piece of your life.