From the age of four i started blowing up all the

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From the age of four i started blowing up all the time. In and out of prison, fighting with police, fighting when out and about, fighting everyone. I was diagnosed with a split personality disorder thirty eight years ago. Tried suicide many times, not least trying to get police to kill me. Once they cuffed my hands behind my back and my ankles together, pulled my head up while i was on my stomach and kicked my head in like it was a football. I woke up stuck to a cell floor in my own blood, i was just nineteen. When i was about fourty i had a flashback, a memory buried in my subconscious, I was sexually abused when i was just four, too young to explain but knowing it was not right even at that young an age. I buried it deep and went on a rampage never remembering why. I am fifty four now, fifty years of torture both physical and mental and it’s still going on. I try so hard to control my rage, i just can’t stop turning into a scared four year young boy in my mind even though i am now fifty four. I never meant to hurt anyone and my life has been ruined by fighting. Nine years ago my nephew who idolised me was murdered. He was supposed to come and stay with me but i had a fight with my other sisters boyfriend and my nephew decided not to come and stay with me. What’s more i had a dream i got stabbed in the back and i lay down in an old garage, i woke myself up saying if you go to sleep you will die, it stayed with me for years after, but alas it was not me at all, it was my nephew i watched die in my dream, i wish it was me.

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Hello friend,

I’m so incredibly sorry for the loss of your nephew. I could not even imagine going through something like that.

50 years of going through all of that is extremely rough especially in terms of all the fighting and the incarceration. It’s one of those things where once you’re locked up, it’s really hard to stay out. It definitely would be worth it to explore seeing a professional, especially a psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist. A lot of them have specialties, such as anger management, PTSD, traumatic situations, etc…that could definitely be beneficial.

Age is just a number, and even though you’re 54, you’re never too old to reclaim your life back. You aren’t alone, and you deserve to live a great life, even with your past. <3

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Hi Friend,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have been through a lot and I’m so sorry for what you had to experience as a child and the way it impacted you and affected your life. You have survived so much and endured so much starting from such a young age. There is a strength in you. And it is never too late to seek out additional resources of support and help. You have undergone multiple traumas and it is difficult to carry and heal from by ourselves.
I am sorry for your loss, and all that you have lost, but I do hope that some way, some how, there is a way for you to have brighter experiences for the remaining portion of your years. :white_heart: :white_heart:

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@@HeartSupport thank you, i appreciate it.