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From zeekful_rk: 10 1/2 years ago, I lost my oldest son. He was only a couple of days old, but he left a tremendous void in my heart and often worry if my feelings of him will affect the relationships of my other kids. I think about him every single day. Rip Gavin. 05/18/2013
@silentplanetband
There is not enough words in this world to describe the pain and hurt of what you’re going through. I can only imagine how losing your oldest son must have shaken your world entirely. Somehow there is this part of you that needs to feel the pain and walk through it, but at the same time as a parent you know there is your other children who need you. It’s like feeling the urge to dive into the pain and to let it be, to scream your heart out whenever you need it. But there’s also a need to keep giving love, hugs, and life around you. It is such a heavy place to be. My heart goes out to you as you are navigating this inner conflict between feelings and commitment, emotions and reason.
I personally have two older siblings, and a couple of years ago my older brother passed away. We were already all grown adults at the time, so the immediate needs were different than for young kids. Although it is true that one of the hardest thing for my sister and I has been to see our parents diving deep into their pain, to the point of forgetting that we were still here and in need of them too. The complexity of such situation and heartbreak is easier to understand when the children are adults, and I can imagine how difficult this must be when you are with younger children - who are also mourning and grieving the loss of their brother. Truthfully, in my own family, what was needed - and that we all missed - was to try to grieve collectively, and not to isolate/feel those things just on our own. What has been the most uncomfortable was not seeing my parents grieving, but to actually not see them mentioning our brother’s name over time. There is a part of privacy and intimacy that has to be respected when it comes to grief, but at the same time reuniting in the midst of such pain can be comforting. There is something beautiful in showing the example to others that even though someone is not present anymore, they are still with us and it’s okay to say their name. As a parent, you don’t have to be perfect or keep up appearances all the time, and especially not after such a terrible loss. It’s part of your life, of your story. Somehow, when you show your pain but also explain it to your children at the same time, you invite them in your own world and it is a beautiful mark of trust. And if you don’t know if or when it is appropriate, it’s always okay to explicitly ask your children if they are okay with it. When things are unsaid, it’s easy for a child to start wanting to be the healer and be strong for their parents. Even when a parent doesn’t say it, a child knows and sees their pain.
Your vulnerability is a strength, and there is no doubt that you have been doing your best in creating a right path between honoring Gavin’s memory, and letting your other children know how much you love them. The very fact that you experience these thoughts shows how much you are a loving, dedicated parent. It may sound like an obvious thing for you to think about, but I can assure you it’s not the case for everyone, and it’s even more difficult when pain seems to take over everything. Your pain is real, important, and you deserve all the support of the world. I truly respect that you have at the same time the awareness of how this could affect your children, and this willingness to make sure that they all have a safe space with you where they can simply be. What they need the most is their parent - they need you, just as you are - and it’s okay if their parent is hurt, is sad or has a hard time. Because your loss is objectively painful and unfair, honest communication can become a strength, even when it implies to express to your children this fear that you have of how your emotions could affect them. When you invite them in this kind of conversation, you show them that you care and are willing to compose with both your emotions and theirs.
Sending hugs to you and your family as you navigate this grief. It is okay to feel the way you do, and it is okay to say it. 