I have already pinned down how I felt about my sexuality a while ago. For a long time I labeled myself as bi but the label just felt not right to me and I felt comfortable enough just deciding not to put a label on it. The ease at which I had accepted this and continue to made it more jarring when I realized how confused I am about my gender.
I want to start by saying I was assigned female at birth and have always gone by female pronouns without much thought. However I have never been very feminine. When it comes to my presentation, since the pandemic I’ve found a style of clothing I have attached myself to, that being of button downs/blouses with pants and a belt, and frequently wear ties, and do take care in my appearance. How my mom described it, with no hatred please understand, was I dress like an effeminate man. Just like with my sexuality, I was fine with this and didn’t think too hard.
But recently I have started to notice how much I dislike my chest. I have fairly small boobs but even before now I would think very often how I wish they were smaller, wondered what I would look like with a binder, or whatever. Sometimes I think about having a broader frame, maybe gaining a bit of muscles. For one reason or another I started to really think, am I experiencing gender dysmorphia?
I don’t want to be a man at all. I have no desire to transition physically or socially into one. I don’t like being a woman very much either but that more due to a societal level of how woman are treated instead of self identity. Again, I have no problems with being called she/her but I don’t mind being called anything else, I just think I don’t care about my pronouns enough to deviate from what’s on official documents. What it comes down to I think is presentation, more so for myself than other people.
The best way I can describe how I WANT to appear is as a handsome woman or beautiful man. I know that for sure. However I can not for the life of me wrap my head around whether I am having some sort of gender dysphoria or if it’s just an aesthetic preference.
Very long rant, I’m sorry, I posted all of this to ask if anyone has any thoughts or could share their own experiences?
Hey! Thanks so much for sharing your heart with us. I know it can be hard to express all of these deep feelings, especially when the feelings seem to change so frequently or somehow evade a label that we are trying to find.
A thread that I see that is woven strongly through your message is the confidence that you radiate. While you might not know how to label exactly who you are, you know who you are and what you desire. You are able to confidently say what you like, what you don’t like, how you want to dress, what you don’t want to be, etc. I sense that you may overlook your own confidence because you don’t know how to label yourself.
At the core of all that you are saying, you know who you are. Your likes and dislikes are set and you have your feet planted on solid ground, you’re just having trouble figuring out what the ground is. You know who you are, but you are unsure of what label you fit in to. I know a label can be comforting and give a sense of finality to your search, but I encourage you to ask- will a label define who you are? Is a label a necessity for you to live a fulfilled life where you know your purpose and yourself?
I feel that in modern life, we can feel pressure to fit into certain boxes or to conform to certain labels, but if you know what matters to you and you feel comfortable with yourself, does it matter if you can’t label yourself? Be the handsome woman that you are. Be the beautiful man that you are. You are a wonderfully unique, one-of-a-kind soul that no one has ever seen the likes of before and no one will ever see the likes of after, so embrace it! Dress exactly how you feel comfortable and own the heck out it! Present yourself in every exact way that makes your heart content and your soul fulfilled, and don’t worry any bit about what that makes you in terms of a label. You are so wonderfully unique and I implore you to highlight that fact with everything you do.
Your confidence and self-awareness are inspiring and I’m so glad I get to connect with you. Keep being you- a beautifully handsome person who brightens the day of those around them. The world doesn’t need your labels, they just need you. I’d love to talk more if you want to- I’m here for you! All the love!!!
First, I will admit that I have personally never struggled with this topic. If that means you want to immediately stop reading, I would certainly understand that! With that said though, I still want to offer my thoughts and support for you!
I really like your comments and it doesn’t feel like a long rant at all. It feels like the true heart-felt comments of someone who is honestly trying to figure things out. The majority of your post seems like you have a pretty positive outlook on things.
However, the one thing I did see that really seems to trouble you is your chest. I assume a binder is something like a corset to kinda squeeze and “conceal” things? If so, that feels like a relatively straightforward way to try it and see how you feel…both physically and emotionally/mentally! If I put myself in your shoes, I would be looking for things like that to help me try and figure out what I’m feeling.
I think you have a great mindset about this! It feels like it can be so confusing and overwhelming, but I am so excited for you because you seem very grounded and able to handle the challenge of working through this. Good luck and I wish you all the best!
With that said though, I still want to offer my thoughts and support for you!