From jarudingus_17226: My parents have been difficult, my years having been and still continuing to be marked by physical torture, verbal insults and neglect from my parents. These all deserve their own rant but today I want to focus on one issue in particular. My mother, who initially didn’t want a male child, raised me as a girl. She refused abortion after knowing my gender due to religious and family reasons. This involved suppressing any hint of masculinity, often with severe punishment, either physical, social, or refusing basic needs.
This should have stopped after my sister was born, but they neglected her leaving me to single-handedly care for my sister. Once again this is an issue for another post, but I had to spend many years basically becoming her parent.
Until age 13, I was prohibited from interacting with males outside my family. Unlike my mother, my father desired a more masculine version of me, not one of comfort either, instead it was marked with becoming a leader in everything, hyper athleticism and refusing all emotions. After a long while of my mom getting full control over me conflicts brewed between them. A forced compromise resulted in my current state – wearing unisex clothes, avoiding all relationships, and embodying both gender expectations forced upon me.
Now, I feel conflicted, not identifying strongly with either gender. I yearn to be female but it is tangled with painful memories of my mother’s enforced upbringing, including trips to the hospital due to her extreme punishments. I feel this is what I am but simultaneously realize these ideas were crammed into my skull through years of torture. I don’t know what to do.
. If you yearn to be and feel as if you are female, you should explore being feminine. You could also explore being masculine to see. If you feel as if you do not strongly identify with either gender, you can explore being non-binary or gender-fluid; there is nothing wrong with exploring. With whatever gender you identify, know we are always here to support and accept you the way you are🫶🏻. Also, I want to remind you that you are the main character of your life, so you should do what makes you happy and feel good about yourself. I hope this helps.