Getting along

[Ezra]

It feels like I am slowly progressing. I said that before, and had a huge down time end of last week, but I managed to pull me out of there, despite I couldn’t change anything about the circumstances.

A situation in a community triggered all my feelings of being not worthy, being useless, and the situation confirmed my feelings. It felt real, it felt I deserve every time being ignored and ghosted. It pushed me in my deepest hole for weeks.

At saturday, I had a total breakdown, I screamed, cryed, as I haven’t done since the death of my father. It was exhausting and I slept for hours after that. This kinda was necessary to let go something. I cannot say what it was. When I got up again, I felt reliefed. I was able to let go.

After that my mood lifted slightly, day after day. I am not hyping, but I am able to concentrate a bit more, can do 3 to 4 hours of work again. My general perception of myself hasn’t changed. I still feel like a burden, worthless, but I can accept it better.

I started streaming eventually, just muted streams with chilly music while I work. Hardly viewers but it feels good if someone pops up now and then.

When I am done with that work project, I hopefully find the energy to start with my art projects, my drawing courses, to do something for me.

Is it progress? I don’t know. I still have the little voice in my head that it makes no sense to keep going, but it isn’t that loud. I made my little corner for my self with my stream channel, with trying to let people come to me instread of reaching out and feeling a burden, so maybe I am avoiding the problem.

[Micro]

Hey @Ezra,

Is it progress? I don’t know.

It’s just my humble opinion, but I believe it is progress. First because it gives a sense of relief, even if it’s temporary, so this breakdown was something that your body and your mind needed. But also because you probably didn’t allow yourself to feel that way for a long time (if not ever?).

I had that kind of meltdown this year. Not that it never happened before, but it’s been very different this time. It felt like a direct punch on my soul. I screamed and cried so much, to the point of just rolling up into a ball on the floor. It still happens sometimes, which pushed me to decide of a moment during the day when I’ll just sit with my emotions and allow it to be. To me at least, it felt like an ancient pain that was (re)opened but, for the first time, not contained. It felt like there was no way to move backwards. A bit like entering in a new room and the door behind you is locked. It’s what motivated me to go back on therapy, which my therapist called some kind of “emotional purge”. Belated reactions/stress that my body can’t contain anymore.

Though I’m not a professional, I believe it’s positive to be in that position. Even though it hurts like hell and feels very isolating/hopeless sometimes, it’s important to keep some kind of faith in the process when you’ve been used to bottle up your emotions for a purpose of survival. I don’t know if you ever heard of the concept of “The Dark Night of the Soul”, but it’s somewhat close to that - at least in my own experience/journey.

I started streaming eventually, just muted streams with chilly music while I work. Hardly viewers but it feels good if someone pops up now and then.

When I am done with that work project, I hopefully find the energy to start with my art projects, my drawing courses, to do something for me.

Again, congrats for having projects that are highly personal and 0% work-related. It’s very powerful to have that kind of creative outlet. Keep being gentle with yourself, keep taking it easy. One step at a time, just because progress isn’t linear. Even when it’s one step forward and two backwards - it’s still progress.