not sure if this will make sense and i hope i don’t come off as rude or insensitive. i’m kind of just rambling; my mind is getting full. i’ve been struggling with depression for a few years now and it always comes in waves. every few months i just fall into these depressive episodes. i want to be diagnosed but i just know i will have a breakdown if someone points out that i’m depressed. please, with all respect, don’t tell me to seek help. it’s one of those things i know i need to do but just won’t. anyways, i just got out a of a depressive episode 
every time this happens i always have that strange new feeling where everything just seems better. people are fun to be around, music is more appealing, and i can take care of myself again. all basic things, but they really are a breath of fresh air. one thing i have never been able to wrap my mind around, though, is finally stopping my depression. it’s like i enjoy being happy and a bit more mentally stable, but i also have this terrible attraction to being depressed. i really don’t want to seem ungrateful or selfish. it’s so bad to say and i feel terrible admitting it, but i need to get it out. i don’t know if i am just seeking attention or if something. i just don’t understand why part of me wants to hit rock bottom?? i also love crying. like crying so hard i get a headache and have puffy eyes. it’s so strange and honestly scary when you think about it. it’s a hard thing to describe and im not sure what response i want or expect because i don’t want to stop feeling like that. like i want to be depressed. i’m just talking out of my ass at this point. i should want to stay happy and half the time i do want that. but hen there’s that other half that wants to stay locked in my room by myself and barely function.
What you’re saying makes total sense.
First off, with ongoing depression, your brain physically rewires itself. Serotonin and norepinephrine levels go out of whack, receptors shut down, and in a way we become physically incapable of feeling happiness. That’s why so many people with depression feel numb when they’re not feeling soul-ripping sad–their brains only respond to sadness. Meds help stabilize brain chemistry, but it takes HARD work and time to relearn a happiness response. People who tell you to try being more positive only have a small part of the whole process.
When depression becomes so hardwired into you, it becomes your comfort zone and part of your identity. You know how to be depressed, but have no idea how to be happy, and the idea is terrifying. I think everyone in this community who struggles with depression can identify with that. I’ve been “okay” for a couple years now, and it’s only been about the past month that I’ve considered that maybe my identity as a depressed person is obsolete. Losing a part of my identity has me feeling floaty. It’s kinda uncomfortable. It’s a lot more secure to cling to what you know, even if that isn’t great.
Secondly, what you’re describing is what my therapists have described as learned helplessness. We lean into our personal shortcomings to avoid the monumental task of getting better and to keep people around. Learned helplessness is a cry for help, which in a lot of cases goes unanswered and reinforces our beliefs that we don’t matter. The term “learned helplessness” may sound dismissive, but it’s as much a mental health problem as depression.
I don’t have any great advice on how to get past that, but maybe it’s enough to help you with some self-awareness, which can go a long way.
From: Ashley- (Discord)
Hi friend and thank you for taking the time to share with us. What you’re saying makes perfect sense. As the other reply said, when we deal with things like depression and anxiety they literally rewire our brain. Even when we come out of depressive episodes, the episodes themselves are a) our comfort zones and b) we’re so used to them that we’re just waiting for the next one to hit. It takes a lot to pull out of a depressive episode and keep ourselves out of them. It helps to recognize the behaviors that keep us in those episodes so we can work to change them. So for me, I know when my episodes hit I get really bad with eating which then affects my already low energy levels and makes me more depressed. Self awareness does help because it helps us recognize our behavioral patterns so we can then work to change them. Everything you said made complete sense and I want you to know that you’re not alone in this and you’re loved.