I wanted to write this post because I want to ask for some help and to confess about something is behind me and that I wanna leave behind. It is an issue less than anxiety and depression(maybe its more social anxiety,but I dont think its comparable).
To be honest with you,its a long story,hell,I might have forgot some parts of it,its that long and petty,but the rest is genuine.My story starts during COVID-19 approx may 2020 to be exact.And to tell you the truth,I was very happy that lockdown happened(it started at march even),because it meant that I got to be away from an annoying,abusive environment,that just brought the worst out of me,it was like having to endure being in Sparta,everyone got shit,so that really bothered me and kept me on guard and aggressive,to not be laid back,so the fact I could have some peace was just amazing,and I promised myself that what I endured would never happen again.I wanted to share that in order to provide some context,so keep this nugget of context with you,my friends. During the lockdown,I started to focus on developing myself more,I worked out a shitton and started doing math.Another thing,was that I wanted to explore more things on the internet,whether its just bizarre things or new things,and one of those new things was discord,I have heard of discord as a place to meet up with friends and talk and I was pretty interested in it.One day I started watching a youtuber that I will call “A”,A was a fun youtuber to watch and his videos were hilarious to be real with you.I didnt laugh for a while until I watched his videos along with other vids that the community A was in created and made,so when I realized A had a discord server,I was thrilled and I decided to join and see what the hype was about,so I made an account and at the beginning I really didnt speak much,until one day I decided “fuck it,lets get active” so I decided to ask a tech question,since I was curious and the ball started rolling from there,it was some fun times man,the community was awesome and the people were really cool and chill people to be with,the types that brought the best out of you and helped you out at your lowest.The way I spoke there was really energetic and chaotic,I would just meme and say some crazy shit,the way I would type was like this:
Because I was used to standard messaging apps you feel me,and when the server was inactive for example,I would basically try to "keep it alive"by saying things like “everyone is silent” “national geographic silence”,“zero db silence” etc(In the same fashion).In addition,I would also use all caps a lot but I didnt intend to be a troll it was legit just me being me I wanted to be my own self ,you know.and finally I would use a lot of words like "T H I S".But I really didnt break rules per say,yes I was a bit edgy in some jokes,but never to the extreme sense.To me personally,humor is humor,if your intention is to laugh and be funny and no one is actually getting hurt,its more than fine.And to be honest,I gained massive popularity in the server,I was loved and respected and I have gained the trust,friendship and- dare I say- brotherhood of a lot of awesome human beings.Now you might say,this seems good,where did shit hit the fan exactly?It hit the fan because of me,when one day I decided to get carried away with jokes where I compared reddit and twitch mods to various diseases along with other jokes that I legit cant remember on the top of my head.Later that day a friendly and awesome mod who I will call M,M was a very PR like mod and I think they took their job way too seriously and talked as if they were in a PR firm,but hey,they were friendly and nice,so I cant really knock them down.M messaged me about what I said in a PR way with paragraphs and what not,and I was more than willing to compromise on edgy jokes to be honest,so I asked M,what are the limits since I wanna know if its like 4chan or facebook mom groups,you gotta have balance in life and accept compromise, you know.which hey,it was a bummer and I felt like shit,but hey thats a part of life sometimes.Life went on,I was still popular and I made more awesome memories,but I noticed cracks in this utopia:The mods often times where straight up moody assholes,just because they dont like or agree with something they would be annoyed and police it unfairly(hell, sometimes its just borderline bullying) , how some members look down on people who arent of a certain status in the server,they as well dogpiled on people who the mods talked to and warned indiscriminately where it didnt matter if they were right,what mattered is that the mods said that person was wrong for whatever reason.In addition,I would notice people just straight up inflate the mods’ ego a lot to be honest with you.and believe you me,I am not exaggerating,this is what I legit think to this day even.But hey I had my homies that weren’t wetwipes and had integrity and one of them was my friend and brother(in my eyes) “D” D was an awesome dude who I got along well,we memed well and talked about a lot of stupid shit,I remember I told him about the incident with “M” and he told me that they probably got mad since I said my comparison of reddit and twitch mods in a server filled with actual twitch and reddit mods,so It could’ve been that,still.I noticed more and more cracks and one day while I was being myself,a mod who I will call “L” said they wanted to talk to me later,so I asked “shit what happened,is everything good etc”,turned out the mod just was annoyed of the way I would talk in the server,not the things Im talking about and how I am saying it,its just my way of talking as I described before,and man,I was fucking livid and angry.but unrightlly so,it was a stupid thing to be angry and to be livid about,I could have simply changed how I talked or just left that whole thing altogether ,my social skills were killer at the time to the point I would have done well if not more at another community.But,you see this is where I fucked my own shit up,for some reason I had genuine problems with my mood and how I would interact,I would lose my shit for the simplest reasons,I would yell loudly ,my anger was out of this world.I would assume people were always targeting me and trying to come after me and hurt me,no matter who they,few people didnt deal with this level of bullshit from me,it was like an elephant during breeding season,and the people close to me in real life suffered the most,I was a real piece of shit,dont worry it never got physical,but it wasnt who I am,I remember being consumed by anger and hatred you know,and I really didnt know the reason,until no joke,maybe a month ago and it was by coincidence.But,We will get to that later.My anger and narcissism caused me to-instead of being reasonable-do some stupid shit instead,so essentially I made a meme that wasnt derogatory towards anyone,it was just a meme that needed a lot of effort(another thing I really started doing at the time was meme photo edits and I was known for it in the server)so I just uploaded it in the art channel and said my goodbyes to the server,but man,I wish it ended there.One of the bad habits I had and I still have(but mediated it bigggg time) is saying something but not doing it,like for example someone says to their kid “no I will not buy you this toy”,then proceeds to do the same thing they said they werent going to do.I had a big problem with that and It put me in this situation.So a week passed by and I told my homie D about me wanting to come back and he was pretty happy that I changed my mind and I was willing to give it another go and I was welcomed with open arms to the server and things were great again,but I cant help but have cognitive dissonance about the mods’ behaviour especially one mod that I still hate to this day who funnily enough was the "lead"of the discord mods,I will call this mod “C”.C was the main person behind the BS I talked about before,it felt like he had nothing going on his life other than being a discord mod,dude took it way too seriously and it felt like thats the only thing he had in his life to fill the void inside,it was pretty sad to witness.So me and many people didnt like the guy,but steered away from him.Until one day I was being a fucking moron,let me explain.A guy came in basically trying to overcompensate for their small penis with IT knowledge posing binary number problems to people in the server,I should have avoided that idiot,but again as I said before,I become filled with anger,ego and false pride.So me along with other people tackled those problems and were easy,but then they became insanely complex,like in the milions,essentially showing that the guy wanted to overcompensate,so in the end I solved it and I posted the answer.Another person from the server whom I was friendly,even thought we were friends even,the answer was 42,because he knew that the guy was being a bullshitting troll with,but my pride and ego got in the way,and I thought he was being an ass to me,when in reality he was telling me to relax and to not get worked over shit,I didnt get mad and what happened was a pretty memey exchange,I didnt insult him or try to piss him off,not at all.I dont even remeber what happened because I was in state of rage,I do remeber the end,I think I said that I hate kittens,but clearly in a memey way that was in joking fashion then he asked wHay in the same memey way,then I said "facts dont care about your feelings"in a memey way as usual and for anyone who isnt versed in internet culture,it is a popular saying by conservative commentator, Ben Shapiro that got memed a shitton by the internet,hell the whole conservative circle gets memed by the internet and Ben Shapiro seems to get the most scrutiny,not because of political difference per say,its just for the sake of the meme.Everyone and their mom in the server knew of it,but C the mod got mad and accused me of being toxic,when both of us didnt see it that way,I tried to reason with C using actual logic and reasoning and not trying to pick a fight,but knowing C’s nature he didnt already denied everything and thinks Im wrong.Trying to reason with people like him is useless.So I distanced myself a bit and tried to calm down.The person who I was friendly who I wall call “B” messaged me and said that he knew I wasnt being an ass and that he talked to the mods about me and how my intentions were pure.I could have ended it there and left or contiuned talking or acted like a human being,but nah,I was filled with anger,narcissim and ego and I thought that the server would collpase without me,so I thought I was all important and better,so I decided to just leave the server,and after that M the mod friend requested me and wanted to talk to me,M essentially tried to talk to me about this,it wasnt a warning,but she was trying to discuss my issue with the modteam,now to give myself credit,I handled it well and I legit had good arguments against M and they acted a bit like PR people,adding things about diversity,etc,it was pretty sad and stupid to see,in turn I responded by feeling that my personlaity and character were being attacked and clamped down apart,refrencing a story I knew about a 9 to 5 office worker called Jimmy,the story goes like this
Jimmy is a 9 to 5 office worker in an office
Jim is your average worker that worked in a cubcile
He never took a lot of risks in life nor did he have any fun in his life
One day, Jimmy’s friends invited him to a party in the weekend
For once he had fun and decided to drink a bit,not too much
Monday comes along,and Jimmy goes into his shift
Hours later,Jimmy gets called up to his boss’ office
The boss tells him to sit down
They said that they drug tested him
using samples from his piss in the bathroom
and it turned that Jim had alchohol in his piss
The boss said that because of that Jimmy was fired
The actual reason behind the boss wanting to fire Jimmy
is because companies dont want people who take risks in their life
Whatever the risk may be,so they dont potentially ask for a pay rise
Because corporations dont want to lose money no matter what you know
A lot of times corportations want to crush someone’s character and personality
the thing is,I was arguing with a discord mod,you know.but hey,later I rejoined and muted the server for a while and things were good until one day a person I considered a really really good friend who I will call O,O asked whether I was good and I said yes and I proceded to write the cringest bad guy speech that was trying to sound deep.It took inspiration from Vaas montengro from Farcry 3(awesome character,one of the best villians in all of gaming and the game is fantastic as well)how he said “Take me into your heart, accept me as your savior, nail me to the fucking cross and let me be reborn!”(yeah I know,what the fuck was I on)but in short,but to O it was confirmation that I was just being a moron,because it turned out(and I knew that wayyyy later)that O used to be a mod,but got demoted after an incident where O said something on twitter and someone snitched on them,it could have an n word out of anger or anything really,no joke,all I gathered that it was cancel culture in practice.Anyways,time went by and I left the server alltogether and I left with style and shit,I put on badass doom music thinking I did something badass and fucking cool(I know,the level of ego and anger,I was such a moron).
Now this is the part where I get more moronic and fucking stupid,so ladies and gentlemen afterwards,I felt bad and I wanted to go back(my bad habits kicked in again of saying I want to do something,but making myself look like an idiot by not doing it)I decided to make an alt account who I will call “V” and to be honest it was active to some extent,but really not active to the point like the first one ,hell no one figured out it was me until I started typing like T H I S,which only one knew and I practically confirmed it to them when they dmed me and it was a person differnt from the characters in this long and petty story that I mentioned before.Life went on,I talked with some friends about how the server was corrupt and what not,hell my friend D was the one who told me about O being demoted due to an incident and how they wanted to become a mod again no matter what,so they were willing to compromise their dignity,they just wanted to be a mod you know.Finally,one day there was going to be a chairty live stream that the youtuber A was hosting on twitch and the chat on discord was exploding as usual,so I wanted to come and finally just say goodbye to the homies and get their tags,so what I did was,see my alt?I just switched my pfp and name,thats it,so I came back to say goodbye and things were epic and memetastic,everyone was exploding and energtic,the charity stream had some insane goals in terms of money,so I wanted to motivate and encapture the crowd to prove me wrong,some people had sticks up their asses about it,but hey its part of life,things were good,but then I said the famous quote from metal gear solid 5 that was alawys memed “Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night, I can feel my leg… and my arm… even my fingers. The body I’ve lost… the comrades I’ve lost… won’t stop hurting… It’s like they’re all still there. You feel it, too, don’t you?Im gonna make them give back our past!"now keep this mind and its extremely important,see this quote?I used to use it all.the.time.all the time.with no issue whatsoever,not from the mods or other people either.but then for some reason C the mod suddenly had an issue with it,suddenly with no warning,so it was really shady,so I made it a point to try to point out the bullshit and told him to cut out the bad blood he had against me(becaues I know for a goddamn fact he had a grudge because I dared to stand up to him)so he dmed me and I tried to tell him that he needs to cut the bad blood and act mature and just enjoy the stream with everyone,but nah,I dared to stand up to him and he in turn got mad(I could be wrong though so keep inmind) but didnt show it and after approx 20 mins,he banned me.And this is the part where I truely and literally fucked up and I let him beat me.To say I was livid,would be a mega understatement.But,instead of distancing myself from the situation and relaxing,nah I let my rage and ego win.I was a very angry,pissed off man before.instead of going to M the mod,I decided to make an alt account,which simply meant that I ban evaded and it give C the mod a reason to ban me.The thing is,I didnt know it was a part of discord TOS,so yeah I got fucked big time and to add the cherry on the stupid desicion,I literally wanted to just observe them as they “missed me”(yes,my ego and narcissim were off the roof) but I legitmately didnt want to say anything,but then I noticed something bizzare,maybe since there was a charity stream so a lot of people came into the server and a lot of trolling and spam happened mroe than usual.I noticed that people thought those troll accounts WERE ME,and to add,C the cunt implied that it was me and literally accused me of this false bullshit,most people in the server legit liked me and still respected me,hell they didnt know I was banned and thats another shady part.When someone there got banned or kicked a bot message would pop up saying that "hey,so and so is banned because of X reason"with me,that wasnt the case,so yeah,it was shady as hell.But here comes the part where I act like a moron I dmed O,who I considered a close friend assumign they will beleive me,I tried reasoning with them and telling them,hey its not me its only this one that I just made and V,but the damage was already done sadly,they still didnt beleive me because of my stupid actions,and because O beleive the accusations of the mod team,at the time,I assumed that C may have messed up and I thought he wasnt a piece of shit person,but it turned out I was wrong,time went by i got a dm from C himself and I was happy so I can confront and talk to him about it,and here came another mistake,I should have fucking been more firm with him,but I gave him the benefit of the dobut and that was my greatest mistake,and to put it short,I failed to regain my status because of my own screw ups and he banned my new acc from the server(discreetly as well,what a gentlemen)and to say that I was so depressed and sad about it would be an understatement,and I put all that sadness and depression and me trying to showcase my viewpoints on how shit I was feeling and how I felt I was fucked over and betrayed and I was stressed and felt like shit you know,to the point that I still believe that I aliented all my friends that I made from there because,not everyone can handle someone’s all day negativity,some did their best to help me out,big shoutout to my friends from there,but I was a moron,hell I alienated some of them with the way I spoke,where because of my phase of ego and narcissim I presented my opinions and beleifs in a way that was really antiginistic and not productive,it didnt matter that I was right,because I lost some of my homies in arguments,and losing someone after an argument is a loss.you know.So flash forwards,I decided to make a new account called “N”,because I felt lonely,and because I couldnt accept failure you know,in my life I really didnt make major,major mistakes you know,I alawys was one of the best.So I really couldnt handle it to be honest,but after a while,I realizied that I needed to stop hiding and just appeal my ban,so I knew that M the mod was on my friends’ list so I took my chance and asked for an appeal and wrote a long paragraph that was like a novel and I explained myself well and I sent it,then waited,and C the mod himself responds and we start arguing again,and I confront him harder this time and I really go drive the point home,but the thing is,he had power,and the moment I had made an alt acc to evade a ban,it was gameover,so yeah,he got away with it.And I was pretty sad about it for a while and I alientated my friends even further,where I contiuned to talk about it even further and thinking back to it,I knew they started and got annoyed by it,but never told me out of politness.but we both know the reality of the situation.slowly and slowly I alienated my homies not only with me talking about the server,but also the way I would talk,keep in mind Im still volitale,easy to anger,egotistical and in this state of rage,and again the people close to me IRL are the ones who got fucked over the most by my wrath and rampage of destruction.but until august or september,I got hit with the ultimate,biggest,most well deserved humble pie of all time,which not only returned me back to who I was before,It caused quite the shit show in my life(dont worry guys,everything is excellent right now in my life thankgod,I was able to reverse it big time)it caused me to live in my personal version of hell that I could have easily,and I mean,fucking easily could have avoided and sometimes I wonder,if I didnt screw up things with my stupid ass temperment would things be better or worse,but hey I have the present and its bright so thats that.The consequences for me fucking shit up was that I got severe anxiety and depression because of it,I legitmately thought about ending my life even,it never got to a severe,but I did have ideas of wanting to end it.But,I never gave up,me and all those close to me IRL reconciled and I worked hard man and things turned out well in the end.During this period of hell,I talked to my friends about my feelings and I noticed how more distant they have become of me,and one stright up stopped talkign to me,but the cause of it was more disagreement and me being an asshole than this.So one day I ask my homie D who was and still a saint for dealing with my bullshit all these years him for some discord IDs for some people in the server I wanna friend request which he helped me do,so he sent me the discord ID for O and much to my surprise O accepted my request,but never responded for a while,until one day they say "You’re presistent arent you"so they were ignoring me all that time,at the time I was still depressed state,I just wanted to rebuild bridges.Now you might or could say "bro,these guys fucked you over,why are you trying to come back to them"and that is an excellent point,but keep in mind,I was vunerbale you know,depression can be a bitch and when you are nostalgic for good times you want to get them back,you fine people can surely understand.Anyway,I talk about how I wanna rejoin and leave this behind me and how I miss everyone and O responded with a strawman argument saying how it all was because I argued against the mods for enforcing rules in A’s discord when in reality,that was complete bullshit and I should have run O to the fucking ground,but I just wanted to go back to the server so O told me how and it was like filling a request throgh a certain way,but while I was trying to file the request,I said to myself “fuck this,I am better than this shit,fuck this” and thinking about it,I regret not pulling up to O and absoultely destroying their argument,but hey I wanted to avoid confilct,which I respect myself for doing that.So times goes by and Improve my life and I got into a stable position in my life which was excellent you know,So one day and foolishly I wanted to join the server and start a new with a persona,so I made an account and I essentially talked to people again and to be honest I talked with some chill people,but it was never like before,the charm wasnt there man,the awesome people werent there,and man,everyone somehow discovered a way to be even more tribal and mean and worse than before,and one day man I got into a calm arguement,and then and there I said "fuck this shitthole"and I left you know.afterwards,I decided to make this account my main and make a fresh start like an immigrant with a dark past going to another country and starting again.But I didnt compleley disregard my og account at the beginning,I tried to reconnect with friends from the OG account,but the damage has already been done in my opinion.I tried to join another community of another awesome youtuber and I did amazingly well at the beginning as well,but again,I had "a run-in"but that really wasnt the case this time,where to put it mildly we were talking about a really brutal,but beautiful anime called berserk where the main character guts got really abused as a kid and me and someone were talking about wether he got sexually assualted as a kid,because we were just specualting,then a fucking mod comes in who I will Karen.Karen thought just because we mentioned rape that she got offended and said and lm paraphrasing "you know how many women deal with things like this everyday"or something similar,thing is GUTS IS A MALE CHARACTER.Karen didnt strike(warn)anyone,but she acted like an asshole and she started calling people idiots and being an abusive jackass,thinking she was superior to us just because she is a mod(notice how its becoming a theme,not everyone seems to be suited to handle power)and I couldnt argue with karen since she would ban me and I didnt want to argue,but I said fuck it,I need to take a break from discord to just relax from it.Flash forward to christmas time,I decided to come back on my og account to say hi to the homies of old and say merry christmas,but the damage had already been donemand yes they were friendly,but no longer the friendship seen before,so I returned to my new immigrant account so to speak and found a new community and I deleted my old og account.Flash forward to today,Where things are significantly better and I learned and Im still learning from my mistakes in this period.
The cause for me becoming like that during that period of time,could have been a mania episode,yes,it could happen with people who dont have schizophrenia and it could have for an extended period of time,but if not taken care of or if the circumstances before were dire enough and the stress on the body and mind was high enough,like abuse,trauma,etc it could materilise into full-on schizophrenia,but in my situation,it wasnt the case at all thank god.Remeber when I said:i
because it meant that I got to be away from an annoying,abusive environment,that just brought the worst out of me,it was like having to endure being in Sparta,everyone got shit,so that really bothered me and kept me on guard and aggressive,to not be laid back,so the fact I could have some peace was just amazing,and I promised myself that what I endured would never happen again
I legit think it was the case here,it was a mania epsiode from the mental stress that I felt you know.And I literally figured it out by complete concidence you know.After I figured this out,I reached out to a lot of my close ones and explained what I think was the cause for me becoming such an evil fiend and I told them that I knew that they deep down inside never forgave me for waht I did,but the thing is.They did and they reassured me they did and they were happy that I came to a personal understanding and that I learned from my mistakes.But,there is only thing remaining now,and it is I feel it is hard or impossible to start talking in online groups or communities like discord servers,I just have this anxiety or fear of talking in new communities you know,and I think this whole bizzare epic was the reason you know,I hope you guys can give me some advice on how to deal with this fear and anxiety,it will be very much appericiated.I know this was long,who knows,it could be the longest post in this forum,but I wanted to remove this huge weight from my shoulders and be free,and now I feel is the right time.