Glad you keep exploring rens songs about loss and

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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hot To Be Me by Ren Ft Chinchilla
Glad you keep exploring Ren’s songs about loss and the aftermath. I’ve been there, close to doing the act and having lost friends to suicide, I see so much of my life in this song. One wonders what you missed, what subtle signal that should have been obvious so I could have stopped it. It took me a long time to just get over that. People often, having made the decision to kill themselves, thinking its the only way out, often seem to have broken out of their depression but its fact a choice has been made, a way forward to end their pain is there. One friend I felt I abandoned. I felt I had no choice. He was choosing a path I couldn’t follow him down. Another had psychic damage from her early teens that finally overcame her. I could see in her eyes but she kept locked inside and it ate her up. And I almost made the same decision as them before they did. I still fight that feeling sometimes, even today. I don’t have scars, that implies healing. I just oozing wounds.

A poem I wrote many years ago, about a dark time:

Fractured

Seems everyday I feel less alive
Left lost and shattered deep within
As the world turns uncaring of me
Leaving only scraps of sanity fading
Inside my mind drifting further away
Those moments I am standing are few
As I fall farther with each heartbeat
And faster with each breath taken
I have given up grasping any hand to
Stop me from following this trajectory
To the final stop and impact below
That will leave me completely fractured.

I’m so glad you felt seen through Ren’s songs. Music can be such an incredibly healing form of art. When you’ve had the trauma’s of losing friends to suicide, hearing someone’s story that mirrors yours may help you feel less alone. While you have wondered what signals you may have missed, the fact that you’ve been able to get through that shows your resilience and strength. That is an incredible insight and tragic depth that people kill themselves when depression gets so bad that they think its the only way out. It is so heartbreaking that you have had to deal with that aftermath of moving on after someone had decided to go that way. You have not let your losses swallow you whole and that is beautiful: to continue even when the pain and suffering exists. You have incorporated your losses into who you are through understanding what led them to that point and not putting blame on yourself.

Your poem makes me think of the Red song “Breathe Into Me” about longing for new life in the depths of despair.

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don’t know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it’s all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I’m falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I’m falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don’t feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I’m falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I’m falling, falling
Breathe into me

While today, you feel completely fractured, you have already found some healing in understanding and empathy for those you lost. You fight that feeling sometimes even today- and that’s the key word “fight.” It’s an active engagement against the darkness trying to consume you. You are healing. You may be oozing wounds but you are not broken beyond repair. What these friends you have lost inspired in you lives on through you with the parts of them that impacted you. You can live for them and for the part of them that could’ve held on. Hold on for them and for yourself and for the people still in your life. I believe in you! And I am so proud that you have gone through that loss and are still healing and growing and learning! You got this! Sending so much love to you! Thank you for reaching out to HeartSupport! <3

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Hey, thank you for opening up to us, you’re very brave for doing so.

The poem you wrote is so moving, these must be such personal and deep emotions for you. The guilt that you could’ve done something and changed the past is a very heavy weight to bear. From what I have read, you feel things very strong and are able to empathize with others in their struggles. With such skills as those, I’m certain those who know you and have been blessed to know you, you definitely impacted their life for the better. The guilt and regret you feel is very real and hurts, yet you do not need to bear this weight when you have done everything in your power to support others. The hard truth is that we cannot always change people’s minds when they are so set on what they want to do. The most that we can do is to try our hardest. People sometimes won’t open up to us, and we have to take care of our own mental stability and make sure we don’t lose ourselves when surrounded by so much hurt.

From what I assume, you don’t feel as if you healed, hence your lack of scars. It isn’t easy to just let our wounds continue to ooze and bleed out, we only can lose so much blood before it takes a toll on us. With such feelings of grief having washed over you, it can take a while to fully processes all of our emotions and move on from our hurt, since the memories of those whom we loved never truly leave us.

You seem like such an incredible person who has helped so many people. It is not your fault that your friends were overcame by their struggles, you definitely helped them hold on for as long as they did and make them feel loved while they were still on this Earth. They seem like amazing people, and I’m glad you got to know them. These wounds do not have to ooze forever, this pain is temporary. It is not easy to fully heal from our grief, but it is possible. I want to see you heal, find peace in yourself and process these loses so that you can live your life to the fullest, helping more people by sharing your struggles and the memories you have of such wonderful people.

Keep holding your head up, you are so loved and such a fighter. This world is a better place with you in it. <3

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@@HeartSupport Sorry it took so long to reply. For some technical reason, I never got a notice of your response. Thanks for support. I really appreciate. Oddly, though I never heard that song above, I wrote this poem not to long ago in response to a lot of loss in my family. In a 2 year time frame, an aunt on my Mom’s side died, the an aunt on my Dad’s died, unexpectedly, next my Dad died and finally my older brother died. All the deaths were to physical health issues. So, yeah, a lot of life point hits. Anyhow, here’s my poem:

Breathe!

Just breathe! Remember that feeling of being alive,
When life throws burdens upon your back without end,
Never forget, to just breathe, just take a second, take five,
Don’t let those hundreds of rocks cause your soul to bend.

Just breathe! Never let go that tomorrow will shine as light,
When you feel anxiety shake your confidence down,
And the sadness feels to much to bear; don’t give up the fight.
Don’t let darkness win, don’t give in, don’t let yourself drown.

Just breath! And know when you reach out, a hand will be there,
When life is a its hardest, your family and friends enfold you,
With love and hope so you can once more dare,
Waves of pain, knowing to just breathe, you know its true.

Just breathe!

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@@HeartSupport Exactly. But since that poem, years ago, other events caused me to write this one:

Doubt

I don’t care if you think you know my name;
I am not that person anymore, I am not the same;
But still I know what’s up with your game;
You play with my emotions but I am not to blame.
For the life you lead, for the blood you bleed;
I am not your punching bag or some demon seed;
You think you can act that way without heed;
But I am here to say from you I have been freed.
So just leave me alone, go off on your own way;
I hate to think, to feel like I now do today;
But the scars you gave me leave me with a display;
Of your cold, uncaring soul and what you call play.
Your thoughtless ways left me to stagger and reel;
Your hollow love and comfort caused my heart to seal;
Your honest lies and deceit made my life unreal.
But now, only now, I have learned that I can deal.

I will doubt myself no more. I know I was right.
I will doubt myself no more. I will always fight.
I will doubt myself no more. I know now hope.
I will doubt myself no more. I will now cope.

Without doubt.

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Your poems touched me more than you can imagine! Especially this first one and the first couple lives. There are so many instances when life throws burdens upon your back without end. When it feels like an elephant is sitting on you from all the rocks thrown, and it feels too heavy to get out of bed, the ability to breathe can save your life. I know from experience that taking a breath and trying to find space from the weight is crucial in getting through it. To tie in your other poem, when we are mistreated, manipulated, or fed false love, it is also important to breathe and get space from it to identify what is really going on.

You have great insight to put words to these very nuanced and complicated emotions! I so treasure these poems and the fact that you shared them with us! Thank you for these gifts!

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