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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hot To Be Me by Ren Ft Chinchilla
Glad you keep exploring Ren’s songs about loss and the aftermath. I’ve been there, close to doing the act and having lost friends to suicide, I see so much of my life in this song. One wonders what you missed, what subtle signal that should have been obvious so I could have stopped it. It took me a long time to just get over that. People often, having made the decision to kill themselves, thinking its the only way out, often seem to have broken out of their depression but its fact a choice has been made, a way forward to end their pain is there. One friend I felt I abandoned. I felt I had no choice. He was choosing a path I couldn’t follow him down. Another had psychic damage from her early teens that finally overcame her. I could see in her eyes but she kept locked inside and it ate her up. And I almost made the same decision as them before they did. I still fight that feeling sometimes, even today. I don’t have scars, that implies healing. I just oozing wounds.
A poem I wrote many years ago, about a dark time:
Fractured
Seems everyday I feel less alive
Left lost and shattered deep within
As the world turns uncaring of me
Leaving only scraps of sanity fading
Inside my mind drifting further away
Those moments I am standing are few
As I fall farther with each heartbeat
And faster with each breath taken
I have given up grasping any hand to
Stop me from following this trajectory
To the final stop and impact below
That will leave me completely fractured.
I’m so glad you felt seen through Ren’s songs. Music can be such an incredibly healing form of art. When you’ve had the trauma’s of losing friends to suicide, hearing someone’s story that mirrors yours may help you feel less alone. While you have wondered what signals you may have missed, the fact that you’ve been able to get through that shows your resilience and strength. That is an incredible insight and tragic depth that people kill themselves when depression gets so bad that they think its the only way out. It is so heartbreaking that you have had to deal with that aftermath of moving on after someone had decided to go that way. You have not let your losses swallow you whole and that is beautiful: to continue even when the pain and suffering exists. You have incorporated your losses into who you are through understanding what led them to that point and not putting blame on yourself.
Your poem makes me think of the Red song “Breathe Into Me” about longing for new life in the depths of despair.
And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don’t know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it’s all left up to me
Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I’m falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I’m falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don’t feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away
Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I’m falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I’m falling, falling
Breathe into me
While today, you feel completely fractured, you have already found some healing in understanding and empathy for those you lost. You fight that feeling sometimes even today- and that’s the key word “fight.” It’s an active engagement against the darkness trying to consume you. You are healing. You may be oozing wounds but you are not broken beyond repair. What these friends you have lost inspired in you lives on through you with the parts of them that impacted you. You can live for them and for the part of them that could’ve held on. Hold on for them and for yourself and for the people still in your life. I believe in you! And I am so proud that you have gone through that loss and are still healing and growing and learning! You got this! Sending so much love to you! Thank you for reaching out to HeartSupport! <3
Hey, thank you for opening up to us, you’re very brave for doing so.
The poem you wrote is so moving, these must be such personal and deep emotions for you. The guilt that you could’ve done something and changed the past is a very heavy weight to bear. From what I have read, you feel things very strong and are able to empathize with others in their struggles. With such skills as those, I’m certain those who know you and have been blessed to know you, you definitely impacted their life for the better. The guilt and regret you feel is very real and hurts, yet you do not need to bear this weight when you have done everything in your power to support others. The hard truth is that we cannot always change people’s minds when they are so set on what they want to do. The most that we can do is to try our hardest. People sometimes won’t open up to us, and we have to take care of our own mental stability and make sure we don’t lose ourselves when surrounded by so much hurt.
From what I assume, you don’t feel as if you healed, hence your lack of scars. It isn’t easy to just let our wounds continue to ooze and bleed out, we only can lose so much blood before it takes a toll on us. With such feelings of grief having washed over you, it can take a while to fully processes all of our emotions and move on from our hurt, since the memories of those whom we loved never truly leave us.
You seem like such an incredible person who has helped so many people. It is not your fault that your friends were overcame by their struggles, you definitely helped them hold on for as long as they did and make them feel loved while they were still on this Earth. They seem like amazing people, and I’m glad you got to know them. These wounds do not have to ooze forever, this pain is temporary. It is not easy to fully heal from our grief, but it is possible. I want to see you heal, find peace in yourself and process these loses so that you can live your life to the fullest, helping more people by sharing your struggles and the memories you have of such wonderful people.
Keep holding your head up, you are so loved and such a fighter. This world is a better place with you in it. <3