Going into this isn’t easy. Nothing is.
A couple of days ago I started having suicidal thoughts again like I did 3-4 years ago. I don’t exactly know my place as that this year has been a complete shit show. I mean yeah we have been in a global pandemic but still, it sucks these thoughts suck.
I had the thoughts of wanting to die. Do I really deserve to be alive? All this year has been another shit how. Knowing I just turned 22 today, I know the shittyness I’m dealing with won’t go away. If I do die will it be their fault? Will they really miss me? Will their shitty actions, their narcissistic behavior stop when they know they are at fault? Will they know how to treat people better?
Someone who is now 22, I just feel a huge jumble of F’ed up. Not going to get any better. I know not to give up. I know to keep fighting but I just don’t know how long I can keep this up. I Love them to death but they need to grow tf up. To stop treating these situations like I’m effing 10. I know I can choose to permanently live with someone else but I don’t think I can get myself to do that. I just don’t know I’m hurt, confused, dealing with trauma, just wanting to give up.
Birthdays can really be rough days for many of us, one that pushes us to kind of sit down and contemplate our life from the outside - which doesn’t always lead to healthy conclusions.
You’ve been dealing with so much. And yes the pandemic doesn’t help either. It’s another layer of struggle on the top of the things we are already going through in our very own world. Objectively, your family situation at the moment is heavy, and it makes sense to feel how you feel today. It makes sense to be tired and to just want some peace when there’s so much chaos around.
But your life is highly valuable. You are important. And you’ve been taking steps lately in order to find solutions and get the support you deserve! The situation may not change instantly, the answers/solutions are yet to be found, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be like this another year. Through your posts and each time you’ve reached out, it’s been obvious that you have grown too and you are naming things differently, more directly, just like you are asserting your rights more and more. It’s a process. It takes time. But you will get there, you will make it through, and we will keep being by your side through it all.
How this year has been doesn’t have to be repeated again. Creating solutions, reaching out and getting help is the toughest part. Being patient with yourself too. But it is possible. There is a middle way to keep building. Disappearing or staying stuck in the same situation don’t have to be the way.
You are so loved, @all_around_ashley. I’m aware that you know how to take care of yourself and to manage these thoughts. Still we are so proud of you for not isolating yourself with it and continuously reaching out. I’m really sorry that your mind has been making you think of it again. It is the reflection of your pain, but you know it isn’t a solution at all.
I’m sending giant hugs your way.
PS - Happy birthday, friend. It may be a rough day, but I hope you will manage to do something for you, even if it’s just a very small thing. You deserve to take care of yourself, and to take it easy today. We love you very much.
If you separate the emotions from this question, and look at it, you’ll see how strange a question it really is.
How do we determine the deservedness to live? It is way easier to pinpoint those who break societal norms, and hurt others greatly, then we say no, they cause too much pain to others to be left to roam and do as they please.
When you look at the question this way, the only person you’ve been hurting is… yourself.
Not anyone else, you’ve been trying to deal with a complex and messy situation, with your own individual issues, and navigate two people who are constantly having a power struggl tug of war with you in the middle.
Thats a whole heck of a lot to have to battle with and deal with, and I applaud you for your bravery and your strength. You’re here every week helping and loving and supporting others. Who else can do what you do here? Not me. Not anyone else. That’s just ONE thing you do that no-one else can do, and WE WILL ALL notice and miss and grieve your absence from this little family.
the answer may be no to all those things. If you’re gone, then they can’t hear your voice of protest, or of you speaking up for yourself. The best “revenge” to get them through to them is to live, and to live as happily as you can! Being peaceful inside makes you the most annoying thing in the world to someone who is narcissistic and petty and overall self-absorbed.
Hold strong friend, I hope that a solution can be found for everyone to do what’s best for you. And I hope they can all get some individual therapy too to sort themselves out.
Hi all_around_ashley Happy Birthday! I’m really sorry that you’re feeling so hopeless and I know you don’t believe this but you are worth and you do matter. We all love you here and want you to live. We would miss you very much and the wall wouldn’t be the same. ~Mystrose
Hey Ashely, Happy Belated Birthday to you. I am very sorry that these thoughts have started to come back into your head again, Negative thoughts that you cannot control are the worst and its truly awful . I want to tell you that the thoughts you have that by you not being here will somehow change how people think and act are not the case though, people are who they are and they are more likely to change with you here to show they what they do wrong than any other way, not that, that is your job. You are 22, you deserve to be treated such and with respect and kindness . I would love to hear that you have been to see a therapist care worker to talk about how you are feeling right now so that you can get these thoughts under control. You deserve that peace in your life. Much Love Lisa
Hello all_around_ashley! Happy belated Birthday! First I want to say that of course you deserve to be alive. I’m sorry that this year has been so bad for you. Sometimes it can take a long time for our lives to get better. Mine didn’t start improving until my very late 20s. I know that may not sound encouraging as a 22 year old but I will say that I’m so glad I never gave up no matter how hard things became. I know you said you want to keep fighting but that you aren’t sure how much longer you can fight but I think you have more strength than you sometimes think you do because you keep coming here and posting and that is an amazing show of strength and fortitude And I can say from my experience that oftentimes when people choose to end their lives it does deeply affect those left behind but that any feelings of guilt are short-lived, and I have never seen it change someone’s entire personality, least of all turning them into better people. I’m sure people would miss you and mourn you and you say you love them so would you really want to hurt them? I’ve seen it tear people up for decades after the fact. The best way to help people change and make people better is to stick by them and help them change. They will not know that you see their behaviour as something problematic if you are not around to tell them. Even if you have to tell them multiple times. I hope you keep fighting and keep posting and you fight a way to make those people hear you
I wouldn’t say “therapy” as I was forced into it by my father for no reason . he does it to try and help when HE DIDNT ask. so I stoped seeing her when covid had hit…
And I can say from my experience that oftentimes when people choose to end their lives it does deeply affect those left behind but that any feelings of guilt are short-lived, and I have never seen it change someone’s entire personality, least of all turning them into better people. I’m sure people would miss you and mourn you and you say you love them so would you really want to hurt them? I’ve seen it tear people up for decades after the fact. The best way to help people change and make people better is to stick by them and help them change. They will not know that you see their behaviour as something problematic if you are not around to tell them. Even if you have to tell them multiple times. I hope you keep fighting and keep posting and you fight a way to make those people hear you