You are loved so much, you matter so greatly. You are so important.
I am so sad to hear your pain, but I want to say thank you for sharing it with us. I have many times felt the trappings of parents to give you just enough to make it hard to leave, but just to little to make it impossible to always see a future. You are not alone in this world. I have been in the shoes of only panic attacks, only hating work and having no other emotions. Only having constant fear of what the day will bring and what will happen next if I were to up and just say enough is enough. I had a job like that. I was making good money, and it was just like you described. I felt like i couldn’t start over and couldn’t start new.
I was eventually able to start over and start new. I left that job, but only after I completely broke mentally and had a complete burnout of that job and had a meltdown. The pain of burnout and meltdown is real and it is so rough and hard.
I don’t want that to happen to you, especially being still closeted.
I know you say your at the end of your rope, so I am going to say if you are having any thoughts of self harm, or any thoughts of suicide, please contact a suicide hotline, or crisis hotline.
Also, you say you are at the end of your rope. I would say you can always go and talk to a therapist. there are a number of resources available to help with that. They can be of a good use and can do a lot to help you out with that. It may be a very difficult thing to do at first, but a good therapist or counselor can get you through so much and get you to be where you need to be.
I want you to know you are loved so much, you matter so greatly, and you are cared for so very deeply.