I’m terrified that I’m going to start hurting myself again. No school, so my brain is yelling at me that I’m the biggest failure on the planet. My brain should really be in the same room as me right now, it’s kind of a toxic place and yet… it’s here. Yelling that I’m stupid. Yelling that I’m wasting away my potential. Yelling that I’m wasting my life. Yelling that I should punish myself or maybe finally stage that accident that will end this life.
I keep on hearing my brain tell me that I’m a failure, that I didn’t try hard enough, that I’m wasting everything, that I should be better. So far I’ve somehow been able to not hurt myself again, but it starts taking over all my thoughts again… I’ve started to notice the small things that I do with my hands when I’m feeling that I need to punish myself. The tensing up of my leg because that’s a place that I hurt myself at. I’m picturing grabbing a huge knife, cutting open my stomach and cutting away all the disgusting fat that is in there, after which I move over to my chest, arms, and legs… It’s the picture that comes up when I’m ready to fall asleep. If I’m lucky it’s even the first thought I have in the day 
… Well at least if all the fat is gone the coffin won’t be as heavy to carry… Not that I can actually do it… The plan I had was based on an accident that would happen, but when I told my therapist it also meant that I couldn’t do it anymore, because she would know it wasn’t an accident anymore… besides I don’t want to be responsible for causing other people pain… I don’t know if I can do the things that I need to do… sorry…
I’m sorry for being so dark
Dear Nyn,
Without school, you’re kind of on your own, and when we don’t like ourselves, having to spend time with ourselves can trigger a lot of negative thoughts and deep emotions. Somehow, it’s a new door to open. Not one you might feel ready for, but still one you have to compose with, because disappearing is not an option. It seems comforting to think about an exit door, and for so many of us it becomes a way to give a break to our mind when it feels like it’s made of four walls without any window. Though you did the right thing again by talking to your therapist about it.
The situation right now is what it is, and you can approach it in different ways. I want to encourage you to try, just to try, to engage yourself in it as something that would be an opportunity for growth. Because growth happens through that type of acute discomfort. It’s okay to have moments of doubts like the one you have right now. It’s still a learning process, and there are many times when we see what needs to be done as an insane amount of overwhelming steps. So, try to slow down tonight. Breathe deeply. Do something for yourself, just like you advise others to do so when they are struggling.
I also want to remind you that the context right now is special since it’s a post-streaming evening, and these moments are often some kind of emotional triggers to you, so you might some extra self-care right now. <3
Have you noticed that statement at the beginning of your post?
I’m terrified that I’m going to start hurting myself again.
This fear is a great reaction. It’s not a comfortable feeling for sure, but it’s a survival instinct. It’s a good fear, as it shows that you know what is right or not, what is true or not. You know you don’t deserve the pain, even if you’ve been used to believing differently for a long time. It’s frustrating and disturbing to have a foot on both sides, to be like some kind of trapeze swinger alternating between our old patterns and what we know to be true. You are still growing and healing, even during moments like these. You are not regressing and you are not stepping back. Being here, being vulnerable, sharing your heart and acknowledging a healthy fear, is a lot. I’m still and always very proud of you, friend. Please take it easy tonight. One step at a time, and one hour at a time if needed for now.
You are loved dearly. 
I’m not my own best friend… I think we established that before. Disappearing, even though it’s the easiest, is not the best option I know… but I really don’t want to bother other people anymore. Or FEEL like I’m bothering with my stupid things. I still feel useless, I still feel like I’m a too much, and the voice in my head only confirms it. I’m not strong enough anymore to speak against it… sorry.
I did notice the statement at the beginning of my post.
I’m terrified of hurting myself again, but more for people who seem to like me… I don’t want them to be worried about me, even though I don’t have control over that. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. I don’t want other people to cry because I did something I deserved. And yes I still believe that in the core, I’m sorry… I can’t seem to change that.
sorry
Dear @nyntje,
If you are having these thoughts right now, then I’d like you to reach out to a crisis line. We both know when these services are useful and why we should use them from time to time. I think now might be one of these times for you. I want you to be safe. So please do what’s needed to let this moment pass. You are not bothering anyone, and you won’t bother the people on the line either. These are not thoughts that are allowed to invade your mind, because behind the fog it’s created, there’s a lot of love available for you. 
This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.