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Grief is controlling me


#1

TW in advance, if that’s not a given.
I’m now 19, my best friend and I were 18 in June 2018 when he killed himself. We knew each other for all 18 years. Every aspect of my life and my personality was built to interlock with his and now I’m a left over half to some whole. I have too many questions ranging from “Why would he do this?” to “Why didn’t I see it coming?” to “Is he really entirely gone, or does the God he believed in have him?” I’m (barely) fighting through semesters of college, not passing most classes but pushing through the failure because trudging along is all I know how to do anymore without having to think about the 18 years that died with him. My relationship has been rocked to the core and back multiple times by this incident and my own previous self harm and suicide attempts, and while it has held steady and been happy for almost 4 years I still can’t process the most basic levels of actually grieving and coming to terms with a changed life. I’m stuck and I’m confused, and I feel even worse because it’s been 9 months as of today since the last time I will have ever said “See you later” to him the night before he died. The questions and feelings are too many and too terrifying to fight through most of the time, so I suppress it just enough to be numb to everything and suffer through late nights when memories flood back. I talk to counselors and psychiatrists, I have medications, but I don’t know what else to do because there’s only so much prescription happiness I can force into myself. This is a rant and a half and I feel like it’s too messy and doesn’t make sense but it’s been ravaging me for 3/4 of a year and the grief and pain and anger haven’t changed except for the worse.


#2

You are doing the right thing by speaking truth and releasing your authentic feelings. The survivors of suicide are survivors of trauma. I lost my son at 19. We did not see the signs, and the tornado of thoughts and pain are so raw and overwheming. Be gentle with you self and patient with the process. The depth that you knew and loved someone for 18 years is not going to pass in a few months. This is going to take time, and all the tears that flow are reflecting how very very deeply you loved. Keep loving. Focus on loving yourself in healing. Encourage others who are suffering through this pain as well. Experiencing grief is like learning a new part of our spirit where God meets us. God draws close to the brokenhearted! So close that He will move in and through you and cry with you. God cares deeply when His loved ones die. Hold on. Breathe deeply and watch for your friend in sunlight or in the small voice that tells you to hold on and keep passing through the pain of this loss and shock. You have his story to tell. You are building your story, too.


#3

What do I do if I don’t believe in God, or if I am angry with God for taking him or for not stopping him? God was his answer to his problems, and all I see is where it got him putting his life in the hands of faith. I appreciate the words and I’m still trying to hold on as best I can, but I don’t know if God is really the answer to my grief. I question things and look for real answers too much to put faith in any God. On the one hand it terrifies me that he really is entirely gone and nothing but ash now, but on the other all I can think to do is be angry with God for what happened if he exists.