Grieving and struggling

i lost my 21 year old dog a few days ago. almost a week ago, really. and im really struggling to process it. i grew up with him. im 25, and i got him when he was a puppy and i was just a kid. i dont know life without him.
it feels like theres a weight on me and i cant shift it. every day and night is a struggle. every night i think i hear him howling. every morning i think i have to go downstairs to feed him. but hes not there. if i get a snack, i grab one for him too but hes not there.
my heart hurts knowing hes not with me anymore.
he was one of very few reasons i have to stay alive. and now hes gone, im struggling.
im fighting the urge to harm with all of my remaining strength. but even that strength is false. i dont have much left in me to keep fighting that urge.
i dont know what to do anymore.
he was family. he was my rock. my everything.
now hes just… gone
ive been struggling to go downstairs since he died (was put to sleep) cause im scared. im scared to face the reality hes gone. i keep wishing it was me. but i know he had to go eventually. trying to tell myself hes in a better place but my heart doesnt wanna believe it. or i dont. i cant tell anymore.
i havent eaten properly or slept properly. i cant see a way forward.


I know there is no way to stop this from being painful, I understand how much someone being gone hurts. It’s like, whenever I have my life finally stable, something changes, and my life just goes dam wrong. I’ve lost so many loved ones, I think about them every night. But it helps me to think of these beautiful poems. They help me feel the person even when they are gone.
These poems are by the Fat Rat.

  1. Monody
    Summer in the hills
    Those hazy days I do remember
    We were running still
    Had the whole world at our feet
    Watching seasons change
    Our roads were lined with adventure
    Mountains in the way
    Couldn’t keep us from the sea
    Here we stand open arms
    This is home where we are
    Ever strong in the world that we made
    I still hear you in the breeze
    See your shadows in the trees
    Holding on, memories never change

  2. We’ll Meet Again
    Suddenly, you’re nowhere to be found
    I turn around and everything has changed
    Looking for a way to work it out
    I’m trying to find some peace to navigate
    Everything we wanted turned to gold (Turned to gold)
    The path we chose, the future on our side
    Never thought I’d do this on my own (On my own)
    But now I wield the sword you left behind
    The oak tree where I met you
    And the writing on the statue
    I still remember every word you said
    I’m not a soldier but I’m fighting
    Can you hear me through the silence
    I won’t give up 'cause there will be a day
    We’ll meet again
    Dark for the sunrise
    Clouds for a blue sky
    Space for the travelling star
    Strong from the inside
    You’re still my life-line
    I feel you wherever you are

I hope it helps you feel more alive, feel that spirit that I call Whispy around you.

From: wayne_2001_tx

god has plans for you sometimes it hits hard but god well always have your back

From: twixremix_

sending you so much love and strength in this time. thank you for giving your pup so much love over the years and i know they’ll always be watching over you. please take care of yourself and do all the self-care you need to recover

3 years ago this month I lost my 17 year old Chiquita in heaven. she raised me from 8 years to 25 and will always be my best friend. the grief you feel is real, please give yourself the grace to feel it as you would give the same grace to anyone else struggling through the loss of a loved one. they say IT gets better. I think that’s a lie. I say WE get better. we get stronger. we learn to live without the ones we love and we learn to appreciate all the time we had with them and move past the fear of living without them.


Hey @mammawolf , @taylor dedicated a song to you on stream today <3

Hold Fast


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