Growing up

I go to a men’s bible study group, and last week, they were studying about fatherhood. One of them asked if I planned on being a father some day. I said no because I know I wouldn’t be a good father.


Hi friend, that is an interesting and sad response to that question? What makes you think you would be a bad parent? It’s true that some people are just not prepared for parenthood and sadly do not consider it before having a child and of course the thought of raising a child is a frightening prospect but I cannot imagine why you would be bad. Maybe you are being a bit hard on yourself? You owe yourself some grace here.

Because I wouldn’t be able to take care of them well. There are problems with me. I just know that the chances of it going well are slim

Obviously I do not know your situation however hopefully when or if indeed there comes a time that you are with a partner and you discuss children there will be two of you plus any wider family around that have had experience.
Of course if its something you genuinely decide you do not want there is nothing wrong with that but please do not give up if its something you would like to do in the future. :green_heart:

There won’t be a partner for me. Even if there was, I doubt I would be a good husband. There is no point in me trying to take care of someone else’s life when I can’t even take care of myself

Hi @Wanderer

My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry that you don’t feel like you’d be a good father, but I am glad that you’re in a Bible study group and learning about fatherhood. This might help you in some way realize that you can be a good father. There is always room for learning and growing. You matter!

Wanderer - That’s a really tough question to have to answer in a group setting. I’m glad you were brave and comfortable enough to give an honest answer to the other men in the Bible study. I’m sorry that you don’t feel that you are in a place to be a good father or husband but if that’s not where you are in life right now, that’s okay. Is your study group open to talking through this with you? Or are you not comfortable with that? Not wanting to be a husband and father says that you want to do the work on you first. Don’t give up on you. You matter and you are definitely worth it.

your group may have their own beliefs about how important it is to be a father, but it is actually a perfectly valid choice to not choose to do so.

It’s a mature idea to not want kids when you know there are things you’d like to or need to address about yourself first. It is a mature approach to delay having kids until you’re ready and able to take care of them properly, than follow some societal pressure to do so before you’re ready.

Your worth as a person is not determined by the number of kids you have, and choosing to have or not kids should be a personal choice.

But interesting that you relate it to thinking you’d not be a good husband. If there are things you need to work on, we’re here to support you through that too, of course. You deserve and have the right to be loved and be supported too.

I believe it is because I am afraid to love. Afraid that the love I share with someone will end up being twisted, corrupted. That they won’t show love back. That they only love me because it benefits them. I’m afraid that the love will become a bond. Afraid of being vulnerable

Because I know that even if a female was interested in being in a relationship with me, they deserve a better person than me. I can’t show them the love and care that they deserve. I’m not good enough. I’m not enough. I don’t think I ever will be good enough

Dear @Wanderer,

I could give you the classic “it’ll all be fine and you’ll find the right person for you” speech because that is true, but I’m going to diverge from that route given that it’s probably hard to believe those statements right now.

Love is scary. You’re right. It’s giving up a piece of yourself, taking a risk, and trusting someone. And that’s not an easy thing to do. But, in my opinion, it’s worth the risk – worth trying to build relationships and seeing how they go. And that can just be friendships, too. There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” type of relationship.

You are valuable and important. Even if you don’t feel like enough, you are worthy of love and support, and I’m glad that you are reaching out here. Thank you for sharing.
<3 Tuna

do you think that woman who makes that choice for herself is allowed to do so?
Or do you think you get to tell someone else how to feel?

“afraid to love” – or is it really afraid of opening yourself to these emotions? And you don’t think you have the skills or strategies to be able to handle the pain that becomes a possibility with a love?

These sound like a lot of really important self-understanding questions. Do you think having a therapist could help you tackle some of these problems in a safe environment? Do you have some older trusted adults you can talk with?

I know that you mentioned a bible study group, but are there other adults you know who you can talk with? You are worthy of being loved. It is something we all deserve. We can learn skills and strategies for how to process our emotions or our reactions when things happen, but it all takes time and patience and work. Same with love - it isn’t always easy. That’s why communication, trust and boundaries are so dang important.