I’m older and live with my parents. It’s one of those things that makes me want to give up on life, because I am stuck here and feel like it’s impossible to better my situation and get out. Also, I know people have it way worse and I’m probably just emotionally immature and a giant spoiled baby in an adult body. So what’s the point of me being around? I offer nothing and I just overreact about everything. I’m definitely a result of my parent’s failure of guiding the life they brought into this world to be a positive, mature, mentally functioning, self-assured and independent person. Anyway… I’m rambling…
My trigger today was that my dad works and goes to the store all the time, so he’s out in public areas (we’re in the US) or has interactions with people outside of our household the most. He came back from the store and would not wash his hands like he had something to prove. Then when I tell him to wash his hands he tells me in a tone like I’m overreacting or don’t know what I’m talking about that he’s doesn’t wash his hands all day at work and touches his face all the time. … Like, what…? Oh, am I supposed to be wow-ed by this? Am I supposed to be like “what a man you are, how smart you are! Look how much you go against pandemic protocols and safety precautions and haven’t gotten yourself, or your family, your friends, or coworkers sick! Amazing!!” This again makes me feel like I have no control over my own life, I can’t have control over who is possibly bringing Covid into where I live. This sends me into a spiral because not only do I apparently have contamination OCD but I can’t get out of this place. I feel like I’m stuck in a hell, but no one would be able to know that on the outside looking in. No one knows this, well maybe my brother understands a little, but he’s out of the house, he’s free. My OCD, neuroticisms, depression, and poor mental/emotional upbringing lead me to not be able to allow myself to get or keep a job. Part of me wants to just live in the forest until I possible succumb to the elements or starve to death. At least I won’t be around people. Dammit I’m rambling again… Sorry this is long, I barely know what I’m talking about anymore…