Happy 2019. My Realization

First off, yay to being the first post of 2019. I wish you all a happy and amazing new year. And I hope the new year is freaking amazing for all of you.

As I spent some time the last few nights reflecting on 2018, and thinking about my goals for 2019, my heart and mind kept coming back to this community. So I spent a lot of time reflecting on this community, and the impact that this community has had on me. Where it all started with the streams, to discord chats with danjo, to chatting with Nate, to meeting new friends, overall it’s been a great year in the community, and I’ve been glad to be a part of it and to see it grow.

Most people know I was on a drive for freedom from my struggle with addiction. But honestly I found myself sometimes just doing just so my support group wasn’t disappointed in me, so I could prove my worth, so I wouldn’t be a disappointment, so I could just be told for once I’m proud of you.

But as I made plans for New Year’s Eve, I headed to the bar, I bought a drink and took a shot. As I went to sit down I took a drink out of my drink, and it dawned. It dawned on me Olivia what the hell are you doing… I dumped my drink out and I went home.

So here’s to 2019, where I WANT TO BE CLEAN, I WANT TO STOP SELF HARMING, I WANT TO BE FREE FROM ADDICTION. Although I know that this won’t be easy, I hope for sure that you guys will walk along side me in this journey. I just know I get discouraged super easy. And as school starts back up in two weeks, it’s just going to be harder to stay clean. But that’s a journey I’m finally ready to face and to take.

Happy New Years guys! Love you all

Hold fast, you’re worth it,


I am glad you realized your own strength. Just remember that even if you end up doing

That doesn’t mean you’re weak or have lost your strength. Just keep moving on. As long as you keep on that means you’re strong.

You’re Worth it. <3

Well done, Monkey. Well done. I’m proud of you. And Iknow that means little coming from a stranger, but there it is.
I’m. Proud. Of. You.

Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy

So a small update to this, I ended up having a really tough day yesterday. I came home from work at 3pm and I slept til 11. I stayed up til about 1am and then slept again til 10. For those of you guys who don’t know, I hardly ever sleep and me sleeping this much isn’t normal and isn’t healthty. But I knew if I stayed awake I was going to throw my resolution out the window. But I also know this isn’t going to be an option everyday. So not sure how to work through that.

Also added on to my New Years resolution is to not let myself isolate. I always try to isolate when things get tough and well that’s not a good or healthy choice. So my goal is to when I’m not okay to reach out, and to know that when I reach out if they don’t respond it’s not because they don’t want to, but it’s because they are busy.