I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to care so much about others and constantly checked in with them. I felt like being loyal was what made me me. Now I’m bitter and jealous that when I need people they can’t be there for me. I hate feeling this way. I hate being upset with people. I’m trying so hard to have empathy and understand my friend is in recovery and can’t be there for me. It’s been constant crisis for three years with her. It’s hard because I’m angry with myself for reaching out to her knowing she can’t be here for me. She can’t be the person I want her to be. I just set myself up to fail. I feel like I should be more understanding and not jealous when she makes new friends or has time for a guy. I know she needs friendships and things are different now that I moved. I’m more upset that I hurt her feelings and feels like a bad friend. I so desperately wish relationships could be mutual not just give or take. That people could really do life together even when life is hard. I know my expectations are too high. I hate that I so desperately crave community. How I feel like such a burden and am too much for people. That is always something with me also yet I don’t know how to not just push everyone out of my life completely. I don’t know how to stop letting them in. I hate myself for wanting something I can’t have for having negative feelings towards these people. Just have to keep putting my walls up and stop expecting to have people in my life.
It can be REALLY hard when you are a giver. I hear you on that. Feels like you are always supporting and never being supported.
I would hope your friend would appreciate you being there for her when she needs someone to lean on. I also hope that you’re able to find someone who lets you lean on them as well.
Until then, we’re here on this site to listen, to support, to be a friend. <3
I have found myself struggling with similar emotions many times through out my life. Both past and present. There are times where I have tried so hard to give so much of myself to people and then found myself feeling so alone when I was in need. I never EXPECT anything from people when I give my time and energy to them, but it doesn’t make it any less lonely or sad when you spend so much time on people and then find that those same people don’t have the same time to give back to you. So I can totally understand why you feel the way you do.
It can also be hard when friendships become distant. Whatever the reason. Whether its due to a relationship, school, work, kids or even mental health. It’s still hard feeling like you are suddenly back burnered or maybe at that time not where their time can be. It’s always hurtful. Even if its understandable. And I’m sorry that you and your friend are feeling a little distant.
Have you ever spoken to your friend about you hurting their feelings? And offered an apology? Maybe after a little time has gone by, you can send a letter or a text offering gentle sentiments and see if you can rekindle that.
I have always wanted to have community and people I could surround myself with too. And there were a lot of times where I was left really disappointed. For me, I think I was just looking in all of the wrong places. I often turned to places online or on Twitch to find a place to involve in. Especially since I spend so much time alone and have a lot of health issues. But I realized that trying to find that online wasn’t the best thing for me. It was unhealthy. EXCEPT for Heart Support. Here is a good community. But, be sure that you don’t ever over do yourself. It’s always good to reach out and help others, but don’t burn yourself out. OVer doing it can become really emotionally and mentally taxing and leave you in a bad place. So only do it as it feels good. And step back as you need. Its okay to just hang out with the community as a friend and not always be helping out. Draw the line where you need.
You are not a burden. But I can understand those feelings too as I too often have found myself carrying those feelings around.
I really wish I had more to help you and to make you feel better. I’m sorry you are hurting. But I want you to know that you are loved and valued, okay? I hope that you are able to find some peace and comfort in something. Or someone. Never be afraid to reach out here. Thats what this wall is for.
So much love to you
- Kitty
Thanks girl really appreciate it. I’m learning a lot right now in what friendships look like and finding balance of not putting my identity and worth in the friendship working through somethings which has been helping alot. Also, my best friend texted me and it really helped when she said that it takes her awhile to respond because she wants it to be thoughtful. That really helped me hearing that. She is the one I’ve felt distance between the most and it’s a good reminder that sometimes things aren’t what they seem and our minds can trick us with lies. I know she is going through her own things and it’s hard for her to let people in. I think the biggest thing I’m learning is I can feel hurt and upset with someone and it doesn’t make me a bad friend or a bad person. I’m allowed to feel emotions too and most the things that come up are deep rooted things and abandonment issues. I’m learning it’s okay to have needs or even wants and just because someone can’t always be what I want doesn’t mean I’m less valuable. I’m learning that I can’t rely on others to meet my needs but trying to see it in a healthy way and not just say screw people I don’t need them but have boundries and know really I can only save myself. It’s still a journey and I still struggle with feeling like too much and not enough but pushing forward.
Well let me start off by saying I’ve been you. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I gave so much and got so little in return. The growth for me happened when I distanced myself, got comfortable with myself. And I learned, being there for yourself is the most important thing. It’s easier said than done but when I truly began appreciating myself, everyone around me could see it. And they understood it. I did some friendship/relationship house cleaning and found that the people that mattered to me the most were always there. I’m very introverted but I have a thing for always being there for people. So, when I pulled back I saw that I hadn’t been doing to myself what I was willing to do for others. Learning to live in peace with yourself can be so insightful and meaningful. I found that going into a career (clinical social work) has helped me get my fix of helping others. And the approach is different of course, but I allow people to help me by helping them. And, I’m happy being alone at times. I used to feel so guilty about how resentful I was towards the people I helped, but in the end I realized they were still there for me…
Get to know yourself and what you can offer to the world…it becomes easier to gauge who deserves to be blessed with your friendship and believe me, it’ll go a long way. I hope this gives you some relief. I spent about 4 years doing drugs and drinking away my resentment instead of actually expressing myself in my every day life. That was horrible and years I wish I could take back, but those years made me who I am today. It sounds cliche, but the storm passes…and you’re left with this new light that seems to make everything more beautiful. The best of luck to you and know your giving spirit is unique. It’s hard to find genuine people like you…hold onto it and use it to make the world just a little nicer. Good luck my dear!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and struggles with me. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m finally getting to a place where I’m learning what balance can look like in friendships. Learning just because I have a negative feeling doesn’t make me this horrible friend or person. Slowly, learning I’m allowed to have needs and feelings and allowed to feel hurt. I’m learning that I’ve put so much of my identity in being there for everyone else, for comforting them and even wanting to take their pain away. I’ve been in this idenity crisis for awhile now but finally realizing I can stop punishing myself, stop depriving myself if food stop harming myself. For years I’ve tried to be this person I believed the world and those closest to me needed to be. I’ve believed that the real me is flawed and damage and too much and not enough at the same time. I’ve judged having feelings and needs, being sensitive and empathetic, I’ve hated myself for too long. I need to find ways to be okay with who I was always meant to be. That just because so many people are suffering doesn’t mean I can’t heal and recover. That I have to stay in a place of darkness. The world isn’t fair and is hard but it’s also not fair to me to keep blocking my potential or anything good from happening. I get so scared of being someone I’ve allowed myself to become nothing and worthless. I can’t live this way. I can’t save the world, I can’t take peoples pain away, I don’t even know what being a good friend is without it defining me but I can’t continue to isolate and believe I’m only darkness. I don’t want to just survive anymore. I need to live.
I’m not sure I can offer any advice, but I can say that I feel your pain. I always want to help people, whether they are friends or strangers. I end up helping people to my own detriment. I don’t ever really expect people to be there for me in return, but it still hurts so much when I ask for help or ask for them to support me and they’re not there. Or when it feels like they’ve moved on from me because they don’t actually like me as much as I thought they did. Or when it feels like they’ve moved on because they’ve found someone “better.”
It’s become so normal for most of my “friendships” to feel one-sided and for me to feel used. I’m learning to step away from toxic relationships but it’s still hard when you’ve spent so much time building something, so much time trying to get someone to know you and to think you know them.
There are times when I’ll feel like I’ve found a community to be a part of, and then realize I don’t fit in. It’s hard to keep caring when you feel like no one cares as much as you do.
I hope you can start to feel less alone knowing that there’s someone out there who feels similarly to the way you do. I hope you can find who you are and who you are meant to be.
Hello Friend,
Your post really resonates with me. It can be difficult to have needs that arent being fulfilled by others in our life. It can be harder when we want a specific person to do more as well.
Here is what the community and I had to say. We adore you…
Hold fast <3
We are going threw the same shit man I hope everything turns out for you.