Having a not so good time right now

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i… don’t know where to start. or what to actually say.

i’m 74 days clean but the urges hit so severely today and it was almost too much. almost. i somehow could distract myself enough to forget about them, but now they’re back and it’s not helping my situation.

i wish i could cuddle my cat right now, she always gives me comfort. but it’s around 12:30am and i had to kick her out because she wouldn’t stop running around and wouldn’t let my mom sleep.

i don’t even know if this post is going to have a point or if it’s just going to be me rambling about whatever while trying not to cry. i don’t even know what’s wrong. i just feel like crap.

i got very sick two days ago and was even running a slight fever and during that time i actually started to become aware of how much i exaggerate myself while texting with people, because it was so exhausting to text like that all of a sudden. and today i noticed it too; i was playing a game and joined another players world. and for once i didnt feel the need to over exaggerate the way i text. usually i’m scared i sound too dry, uninteresting or simply boring so it’s become somewhat of a habit that i unconsciously do and can’t really stop.

i have two appointments coming up that i dread. one with my psychiatrist - he never fails to make me uncomfortable with his presence and when my mom was ill for several months, he wouldn’t understand that we simply weren’t able to get many things done since my dad has to work a lot and she was bedridden with me doing my best to take care of her.
the other one is with our, uh, i suppose you can call it family counsellor?? i don’t exactly mind the one-on-one talks with him, but i absolutely can’t stand the ones with my parents together. not because of them, but him.
he’s triggered me badly on several occasions, but i couldn’t exactly say anything because it had to do with things my parents have done but i’m too scared to speak up about. and he’s said some things to me that were quite insensitive in my opinion; i was crying during a session, because of memories he brought up and i was told that i did not need to cry about them now, since i would not be in a situation like that tomorrow again or anything.
i have told my mom before that i’m not sure if he’s the right person to help me, though i am glad that he is able to help her slowly unwrap her own trauma and emotions.

i’ve met some people recently and we occasionally play a video game together, but one of them keeps saying stuff that makes me uncomfortable and i’ve told him so. he’s quite a lot younger than i am, but keeps making a lot of sexual comments on the game characters and just in general and it always leaves me deeply uncomfortable. but all he said was that i sound “old” for saying these things. and i think i’m not the only one from our little group, who gets uncomfortable by his comments.

i don’t even know if any of this makes sense, i’m just trying to hold back the tears. i am genuinely tired of it all and especially myself; why can’t i just not be a wreck? everything would be so much easier if it weren’t for my stupid issues and my parents wouldn’t nearly have as much problems as they do now, because of me.

anyways, enough of this mess. i do feel slightly better after typing it out, so i guess it helped in a way.

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Hey pal - Sorry your feelings this- but most of all : congradulations on being clean for so long! And well done on letting it all out- I think you expressed yourself well. I can understand about the seeing a psychologist - oh man I was traumatized by one. And sorry but your allowed to cry whenever the heck you want. I mean it’s a human right no? It’s not like you attacking anyone. Its not fun crying- or its hard to know what to say - to use the right words but its not always about how others feel- if things make you uncomfortable - speaking up ( of course without insult to others) is something good for you. It might seem like they don’t listen and in today’s world- its probable. But its not about them listening its about you saying your truth.
So don’t hold back- even if you think it doesn’t make sense to others.

Oh and PS This might be just my opinion - but having some kid throw out sexual comments just shows how insolent he is and it makes well mannered people uncomfortable.

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We have our cats meals scheduled so he gets sleepy around our bedtime. He usually eats, grooms himself, goes and poops, then goes to sleep.

You may not be completely over the illness that you had. Feeling bad physically often leads to dark and depressing thoughts.

It’s easy for that to happen when the thoughts are backed up by intense emotion. Acknowledging that shows an admirable willingness to be honest with yourself. I doubt that your boring, but I’ve often thought of myself that way too. I have also learned that others find a good listener to be very interesting, as it encourages them to talk about themselves.

I believe it’s okay to make it known that the psychiatrist is making you uncomfortable, and the family counselor lacks sensitivity towards you during family sessions. You should feel safe to express your feelings to both the psychiatrist and therapist. If you don’t, the relationships probably aren’t very therapeutic. Patients/clients tend to be deferential towards counselors and therapists, which can cause the practitioners to get carried away by their own ego and forget how to be good listeners. I also have a suspicion that the have jumped to some wrong conclusions about you.

That’s pretty shocking, as they were taught in “therapy 101,” that suppressing feelings is harmful and expressing them is beneficial. Crying in particular is one of nature’s best coping tools. Of all the places where a person should feel safe to cry, it should be a therapists office. The therapist is self-disqualifying if you are being instructed to stifle your feelings. You still may benefit from working with this therapist, as long as you remember that this individual is very far from perfect.

If your gaming group is okay with having a prepubescent sexual stalker around, it may be better to find another group.

Helping their children work through issues is an essential part of parenting. It became their job to do so the moment you were born. I don’t think there has been a child born that didn’t cause their parents problems. Besides, I suspect that they had a lot to do with the problems that you have.

The ability to get by myself and let the tears flow, helped me to survive. At some point, you will realize “I’ve cried enough now.” And your thoughts will be more clear and calm.

Take care of yourself, and stay in touch, Wings

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