I don’t know how begin this. I don’t know how much detail to go into (I can’t remember what I’m allowed to go into.) But I’ll give a trigger warning because this contains themes of sexual abuse and so on.
I was involved in a sexual assault/attempted rape case, me being the victim. After waiting 2 and a half years for the trial to take place, it finally happened two days ago. I was cross examined yesterday. It was one of the most awful things I’ve gone through.
In some weird way, it was more difficult than the experience that led me to taking the person to court. Because you’re sat there and asked all these questions. I was asked about details I couldn’t possibly remember anymore, and pushed to the limit. Everything was blurry, and confusing.
My case wasn’t convincing enough for the jury to rule in my favour. Or there wasn’t enough evidence.
I am… my stomach feels weird, I feel all numb and anxious at the same time. Gutted. The officer called me an hour ago to let me know. I couldn’t react immediately because with me everything is a delayed reaction so I just said “oh, okay, well we knew it could have gone either way…” etc.
Now it’s all sinking in… I know I did the right thing by standing up for myself. And as the officer said, he’s had this hanging over his head for 2.5 years. But it still makes me feel like a fraud. Like I wasn’t believed. He did something very wrong that night.
To any man reading this: taking protection off without letting your partner know when you’ve both consented to having sex with protection on and attempting to have sex with them without them knowing that you’ve taken it off is illegal, and you should never pressure anyone into having sex without protection, or in any way they’ve expressed they’re not uncomfortable with.
My intent was to write about this somewhere. To send a story somewhere. But with this verdict… does the verdict matter? I can’t name him but I can still try and educate. Raise awareness? How would I even go about doing that? Who would be willing to listen? Men who do this don’t go and read about it. And they certainly don’t want to change their behaviour. Women? Women who have been through this? Where would they go? Are there women who have experienced this and didn’t know it was a crime, or they do but don’t have anyone to talk to? I haven’t been offered any consolation, not been pointed to any support groups… Who do I know who would have gone through something like this?
I think right now… I’m feeling very lonely. Like no one would be able to relate to the experience. I wish there was someone I could talk to about it. I think that’s what I want right now… a woman to talk to who’s been through something similar, with the court experience and so on. I’ll leave it there. Nothing more to say.
