I am very much looking forward to the Heart Support/Kitboga stream tonight. Sorry in advance for the long story but I have wanted to share it for some time and this stream seems to be the opportunity I was waiting for.
I have been struggling with depression since the beginning of 2017. I have even been (briefly) hospitalized 5 times because of the severity of the depression. Somewhere in July this year I saw a video of Kitboga on Youtube. I liked the content, it made me laugh out loud. But either at the beginning or the end he would say “You matter”
To be honest that used to upset me a bit because I thought “how can this random guy think that I matter, he has no clue who I am otherwise he would be wiser than saying that”.
But as time went on and I saw more videos I started to be touched by the message. September 16th I discovered Twitch. Had never heard of it before and it was scary in chat the first few times. But the community was very supportive, I had never experienced a community like that. Eventually somebody convinced me to also have a look on Kit’s Discord server, where I now find myself daily just chatting and hanging out and having fun.
I don’t remember the exact stream but at some point Kit was coding and that brought back some fire in me. I am officially declared unfit for work due to my mental and physical problems. But somehow that stream brought back the dream of working again, something with computers. It is still a vague dream, but the fact I have dreams again I totally owe to Kit and him continuously saying You matter.
One day after stream (I thought Kitboga had gone offline) I ventured in chat to ask if people think I could still learn computer stuff at my age. To my big surprise and huge joy Kitboga himself answered that it is never too late to learn. He even gave some tips. And when I shared in chat that I had just started CBT he replied he was glad I am pushing forward and getting the help I need and that “we need you”
That was so wholesome and it has really helped to keep going.
That was October 25th, I am doing quite a bit better now. The CBT sessions are helping, I still get down but am better at bouncing back from it. I do have some anxiety for the holidays as my mother is quite toxic and my sister can be like that too sometimes. I had a major breakdown during Christmas dinner 2 years ago so it is still scary this year. However I have put some thought in ways to make it a bit easier and if it does not go well I can always leave. December 26th I purposely have no plans to kind of unwind from everything.
I am currently working on the You matter logo from Kitboga in an attempt to make it into quilling art. It has been fun but also hard because if I look at it it does not look nice. But I hope to finish it soon (before New Year) so I can share with people that they matter.
I also know that even though Christmas might be scary, this year the huge difference will be that I know there is a loving community that I can turn to if needed. And for that and for everything Kitboga and his team do I am forever grateful
thank you for being here and sharing this part of your heart and journey with us. it’s an absolute joy to hear from you always whether it’s your progress on your art or how you’re doing. i’m so sorry that holidays have been so difficult on you and that your family can bring negativity your way. i am so incredibly thankful that you have gained so much strength, positive re-enforcement of your infinite worth, and love from all the communities and people you come across. you’re getting the help you deserve through CBT sessions, striving towards incredible goals, and taking the time to rest next tuesday. as christmas approaches and the family dinner draws closer, you will be in my thoughts as you slay this dragon. regardless of anything that happens that day, i hope you can feel proud of the growth and strength you have worked so hard on this past year. i love that you know that you can leave any bad situation at any time! you’ve got the encouragement, love, and support being sent your way from people around the world! you got this! i believe in YOU!
Thank you so much for your very kind reply
I was crying during stream last night, did not expect Kit to actually read and reply to my post. So that was a very positive surprise and one that is still helping me. The holidays will be a challenge but I can play back the things Kit has said, read the super sweet messages in chat and read your reply to help me through it. Since getting to know Kitboga and becoming part of his community my life has changed SO much! And I am forever grateful for that.
The You matter logo is almost finished (only 94.5 hours so far) so I think after Christmas I will be able to post that on Discord and Reddit.
or the end he would say “You matter”
To be honest that used to upset me a bit because I thought “how can this random guy think that I matter, he has no clue who I am otherwise he would be wiser than saying that”.
I think there are a few of us who had this same reaction, like “what are you talking about dude?” And I know there have been many tears when the first few moments occur when we say “hm… maybe these people DO care!”
I’m glad you’re here @leapyeargirl, I’m so proud of you for being so brave and yet so open with what’s going on. I’m proud of you for the art piece and seen the work going into it, and I salute you for being an adventurer, both in your art and here, and in the community!
you’re loved and you matter, just by existing. Keep being you, that person is pretty cool!
Thank you so much for your understanding and very kind words @Sita thank you for being a friend
I am halfway through Christmas and I feel that @Kitboga has saved my Christmas this year by replying to this post last Thursday during stream
I have watched the fragment back quite a few times and the kind words have helped me pull through so far.
There have been some tense moments but I kept hearing Kit saying “you are crushing it and you are doing great” and that has been a very good mantra.
When my parents asked if I mind my youngest niece (turned 4 last month) sleeping in the same room as me I told them that yes I do mind. I love that kid with all my heart but she tends to wake up at 5AM and I really need to sleep as well as I can. Otherwise my mental state will worsen and I do not want to repeat the mental collapse of 2 years ago. To my surprise they listened and put my niece’s bed in their own bedroom. My niece was only a bit confused in the beginning, asking “where did my bed go” but when she found out it had moved to her grandparent’s bedroom she was very pleased.
I slept not very well but at least I got quite a few hours in, like 6 or 7 hours so not too bad.
I find it gard to deal with my mom and sister grumbling and sometimes yelling at my nieces for not listening. Also my parents are quite tense with each other, dad is preparing dinner and mom is stressing about it for no reason. All the tension kind of built up. So after playing 2 rounds of (very cute Paw Patrol) Uno with my brother in law and 7yo niece I felt my eyes wanting to close. I told everyone I am going for a nap and am now first enjoying the August Burns Red Christmas album on my headphones. Still anxious for dinner later on. But at the same time counting down the hours and happy I am making some good choices.
