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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Toxicity by System of a Down @heartsupport Growing up my voice was drowned out a lot, dismissed, talked over, etc. and as a result, as an adult (34 atm), I am always hairpin trigger instantly snapped to anger whenever (I feel like) I’m not being heard and/or being completely misunderstood. I’m also disabled (I walk with crutches) and the SLIGHTEST HINT of someone treating me differently BECAUSE of my disability, BOOM! instant anger and hatred. I know it’s not their fault, though.
I know one reason why I’m quick to anger is because… growing up taught me that “Angry voice” was THE ONLY WAY to get heard. It not only drew attention, but demanded it. I hate it. I’m NOT an angry person… and try as I might to unpack and “understand” why I get so angry… I feel like it hasn’t helped lessen the kneejerk response, if anything it feels slightly worse sometimes.
I’m sorry your voice wasn’t heard as you grew up. That is an extremely frustrating experience. We all have the need and desire to be heard. To feel like our feelings and opinions and thoughts matter. When that’s overlooked it can make us feel small and like we aren’t good enough. It erodes our self worth and we question our own existence. I felt that way a lot and when people dismiss me I instantly feel anger and resentment welling up inside me. Not necessarily at the person, but more at the situation. No one likes to feel invisible and when that happens we often respond by doing things to demand attention. Often unhealthy things. I’ve tried lots of unhealthy ways to force people to pay attention to me and eventually the only person it hurt was me. Recognizing your tendencies is a huge step though! You have insight into what you’re doing and why and that’s huge. I realize it may seem like a very slow and painful process that’s going nowhere but it takes time. These feelings and responses took decades to form, they won’t go away overnight. But if you keep paying attention to your feeling and emotions and reactions you will eventually become less controlled by them. Your awareness is key. I have so much hope for you because of that and because of your willingness to reach out and share! Keep going! You have a voice that matters. You are worthy of love and we are so grateful you are here. We are here for you and believe in you!
Man, I’m so sorry to hear that, it really does sound frustrating. I know what that knee-jerk reaction feels like, like a needle stabbing you and making you flinch, tense up and feel like you need to fight someone. For me, I definitely feel it in my hands and shoulders, my hands rolling into fists, my shoulders rolling forward like I’m trying to square up with my enemy, ready to throw down for mistreating me. Making me feel small. Making me feel like I’m not worth the time of day or breath of air for me to speak rather than be heard. Makes me feel unimportant. Unseen. But then I can feel completely belittled when people then apologize, especially when it doesn’t feel sincere, or like they’re joking around. Or if I’m having a bad day and I’m irritable, I feel like something’s wrong with me, because I’m not an angry person and I don’t want to be, but everything is still pissing me off, and then I want to bite someone’s head off for going 45 in a 55 mph zone.
Being aware of it can make it feel like it’s worse, or that it’s happening more often. But if anything, it sounds like you’re aware of some if not most of your triggers, which is a super helpful start. Once you know the cause and effect, it brings you one step closer to coping and healing. Sometimes you just need to ask a question, but ‘why am I angry?’ can be a lot. I find it helpful to say, ‘yes, and,’ when I’m angry. Yes, I’m angry, but what else? Am I feeling rushed? Am I feeling anxious? Am I feeling lonely? Am I feeling scared or confused? I’ve been told before that anger is a short fuse to a heavier emotion, whatever that may be.
Peace may seem like a distant place, but you’re figuring out the map to get there! It may be a long and winding journey to get there, and it may take you through some dark places, but it’s so much brighter on the other side. I’m so certain you’ll be able to take your days one at a time and they’ll only get better and better. Don’t be disheartened if you still find yourself getting upset or angry with others, when you’re working on yourself, there’s no need to rush the healing, it comes in its own time! We’re here for you and you are not alone my friend! Lots of love to you, my friend, and I’ll pray your anger rests and you find the peace you deserve
