This is a topic from YOUTUBE. Reply as normal, and we will post it to the user on YouTube.
Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Daddy By Korn
@heartsupport I found this video at a time where I honestly was not looking for it, but I was looking for healing. I am a victim of CSA by my families priest, a group of men at my parents country club, was gang raped and raped as an adult and I continued to stuff these emotions. I was 17 when this song came out and I would cry and cry and cry. Then when “Kill You” came out on LIP, everything came undone when I was 18. I destroyed my housing room up on Mackinac Island in 1996 and then in that December while living in Vail I finally said what had happened to me as a child out loud and I was told by my mom and brother it never happened. I stuffed it again, knowing they were lying. I spun out, relapsed, was a meth/heroin/crack addict and would stay clean (Once for 6.5yrs) but everytime these things came up, I knew it was true and it happened, but why would family lie to me? So I would relapse because I didn’t know and was so mentally messed. I have Bi-Polar 2, BPD, Severe PTSD and anxiety at 46. I went to therapy and switched to a psychiatrist. Then as I was in the midst of facing these demons, I found out my psychiatrist massively broke HIPPA by telling 4 people my story, using my name, my diagnosis, my meds and my trauma. I am now spiraling again, but I haven’t relapsed yet. I cannot stop crying, this pain feels like my soul is being torn daily, constantly and every day is tears and fear and anger. My husband is at a loss. I am in Senior Management and cry in my office all day. I tried to sing “Sharp Edges” by Linkin Park (I was a singer in an emo/core band 2000-2003) and I cannot make it through the first line. I am scared of myself. I don’t know what to do. I am working my 12 steps, but I am finding myself dabbling back into impulsive/dangerous behavior, very rough and violent sex and I am hurting. Any help? Please!
2 Likes
Hey there!
First, I am so immeasurably sorry these things have happened to you! I, myself, have bipolar 2, and PTSD. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU for getting help, standing in your truth, and showing up for yourself. I have a lot of family who suffers from substance abuse, and myself, am a victim of CSA. Your relapses don’t mean you’re weak. Often family members or any perpetrator of abuse often spins the narrative that it didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean you’re not telling the truth. You’re telling YOUR truth, and if it happened, and if nothing else, I believe you. I believe you. I believe you. And if you need to hear it again, I believe you. This doesn’t have to be your story. If you are in immediate danger to yourself or someone else, please obviously go to your closest ER. I’ve had to do that before. Finding a therapist/psychiatrist combo that does not violate HIPPA is vital, and important. Don’t be afraid of a breakup and switch if you find yourself in a position where you’re uncomfortable. Have you ever thought of writing a novel? Do you journal? I know I was a big emo/screamo fan; those youth centers need us elder emos to teach them the ropes. I bet you have SO much to offer the world. Stay in touch, chin up! Shoulders back. Get yourself safe, and then the next day we put another foot infront of the other. If there’s a setback, that’s okay too. We rinse and repeat. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Do not give up on yourself. I’ll be here cheering you on. Nobody gets to determine your worth, take that power back. Sending you ALL the hugs.
I am so sorry you went through this. You have been through so much but you are still standing. You are stronger than you think. KEEP GOING!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, I believe you! 100% believe you and you should never doubt that what happened to you was real and you deserve to be heard and comforted. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’ve gotten through so many hard things that I know you can get through this situation too!! You are strong and brave. I hope you can find some ways to care for yourself and grieve how you need to grieve. Sending you lots of love!