Heartsupport i have been going through this cycle

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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hope by NF
@heartsupport I have been going through this cycle of getting hope only for it to be torn down for years. Recently, it has felt like that hope is gone. I pushed the people I cared about away. Every time I try to face my demons I get knocked back down. Every time I try to open up I get cast aside. Every person I have let in has turned that trust against me. I’m just tired of being dragged through the mud. Of being ignored and forgotten. Of being thrown away when they are bored of me. I didn’t realize any of this until a few years ago. That the people I thought were friends and family, had actually been treating me like a worthless piece of crap. I’m just trying to find a way forward but I keep seeing these signs that say its not worth it. The doubt that I will ever be loved. The doubt I will ever be worthy of love. Of happiness. I hide the real me from the world because I’m afraid that people will judge me. And on top of that, I’ve grown afraid of being happy. When you are happy, you let your guard down. You’re vulnerable. And I am afraid of being put in that situation again. Every time I move forward, something new comes along. I’ve lost motivation to try. To try and make a better life for myself. I want to have people in my life that make me feel loved. But I am too afraid to show the real me. I’m still technically a kid, but my parents treat me like an adult. When I’m sick, scared, or in pain, they laugh and make jokes at my expense. They tell me to stop being a baby. I may be almost 18, but that doesn’t give them the right to treat me like shit. Its one thing to treat me like a responsible adult, and another to treat me like garbage. I don’t know how to move forward. But I know I dont have a choice. I’m just tired of being me. My intelligence causes me to overthink. And my ocd makes me obsess over the bad things. Its impossible to move forward if I cant stop obsessing over the past. I just cant figure out how to overcome it.

[bmao]

Those feelings you laid out are all so powerful. To have your trust betrayed, to be cast aside, to be treated as if you were worthless, to hide the real you- that pain cuts and sticks with you. How are we supposed to cope with feeling unwanted? How are we supposed to deal with being unloved? How do we ask for fair and proper treatment from those in our lives who are supposed to unequivocally provide us that and why didn’t we ever get that in the first place? Why are we being beaten down over and over, and what could we have possibly done to deserve it? This leads us into the exact scenario you laid out- we become afraid of being happy. Feeling happy somehow becomes linked in our brains with being vulnerable, and our mind leads us to believe that our own happiness is a danger to our well-being. Isn’t the pursuit of happiness our purpose? So why do I feel bad whenever I pursue it?

You deserve to feel free to pursue your own happiness and not feel guilty about it. That sentence may seem simple and possibly too obvious, but it can be so hard to truly internalize. You deserve that better life that you seek. You deserve people around you who have your best interest in mind and treat you like so. Though you may not have that now, I don’t want you to give up hope.

I am 22, and being 17 feels like it was yesterday. I remember being sick of feeling vulnerable, ignored, and worthless. But I mean it truly and wholly when I say that this part of your life will be over before you know it. These feelings will fade and you will find yourself and a community that truly loves and cares for you as you transition into adulthood. Leaving your young adult era and becoming your own can be very hard, but I want you to know that you are not alone. Everyone goes through this period and we all struggle differently- especially when our external circumstances are compounding our struggles.

But with your intellect and self-awareness, I am fully confident that you will make it through the other side of this phase stronger, more aware of yourself, and ready for whatever life throws at you. There is a beautiful life awaiting you and I implore you to stick around to experience every aspect of it. You are so loved and cared, even if it may not be your family members. We at HeartSupport love and care for you and want you to know how much your life is worth. If you need anything more, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You matter so much and I am praying for you my friend❤️

[AprilleShellie]

You are worthy of love. You are worthy of being happy. You are worthy of a life worth living. You are worthy of having people in your life that actually care for you, show up for you and pay attention to you. You are worthy of being yourself and having people see you, to love you.

I am so deeply sorry that you are going through all of this, my heart breaks for you. But I am also so incredibly proud of you for not only being open and vulnerable with us, but for also trying to be better than your past and trying to heal from your demons. I can understand why you are scared of trying to move on again because there always seems to be another punch coming and you just never have enough time to block the blow. It can be so utterly exhausting to keeping trying to move forward, but then getting knocked right back where you were.

Like NF was saying in this song and so many others of his, hope is a scary thing but if you give up on it, then there is nothing to work towards. He spent 30 years feeling exacting how you are feeling.
" 30 years of bitter, 30 years of lonely
30 years of pushing everyone away ('way)

(You’ll never evolve) I know I can change
(We are not enough) we are not the same
(You don’t have the heart) you don’t have the strength
(You don’t have the will) you don’t have the faith
(You’ll never be loved, you’ll never be safe)" and he was able to find Hope. He was able to heal from his demons. He was able to make a better life for himself. He was able to do it, and so can you. I have met a lot of people that fear being happy because that have associated happy with a bad event. They are constantly looking over their shoulders for the other shoe to drop. But everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves to find their happiness.

Living with people that seem to only want the worst for you can make it so difficult to want something better for yourself. Having people constantly tear you down or belittle you or make you feel bad for wanting anything. It is a horrible environment to be, I was once in it too. But something that I have learned since getting out of my own horrible environment is, that when people want nothing more than to tear you down for simply being yourself, it says more about them than it does about you. There is some part of themselves that they don’t like and instead of looking within to fix that part of themselves to make them better, they instead turn it on you. They make their hurt, your hurt.

17 is such a weird age because like you were saying, you are basically an adult but also not quite yet. But something I miss about being 17 is the feeling of the world at your fingertips. You have every path to your next stage of life right there waiting for you, all you have to do is pick a direction and go. Being a kid in a crappy environment, it is hard to find a way out and more times that not, we end up having to stick it through until we finally become 18 and finally get to have a say in what we do with our lives. Finding yourself as a teenager is so hard, but honestly, finding yourself at any age is hard. I moved to a new state when I was 25 and the only person I knew in the entire state was my husband. But I got to figure out who was the person that I wanted to be and then I became her. You will find your next version of you, we all do. You will also find the people that you want to be apart of your life. You will find the people that choose you.

You have already found a community that welcomes you with open arms and nothing but love for you. You have found people that want nothing but the best for you. You have found people that you can turn to and know that we will never betray your trust. We will always be here anytime you need to talk and I hope you do.

[Gregor1an]

Wow - that’s so heavy and I feel for you!

When life throws those things sporadically, it’s difficult to overcome! But when it seems like all of that continues to happen indefinitely, I can see how that would feel so overwhelming and almost futile to even try.

The fact that your parents don’t seem to provide a safety net and loving environment has got to be one of the most difficult things for you, I would assume. I wonder if they suffered similar treatment from their parent(s)? I’m not thinking that to give them an excuse! Rather, just to help think through some reasons why.

As someone else said, the stage of life you’re in right now (almost 18) is such a weird, confusing, trying time! I remember so many good things from that time in my life, but I also remember several instances of “learning the real world” too. It’s so tough to leave childhood behind, and start to figure out how you will now carry all that responsibility you’ve never had to worry about before!

What you say about your intelligence and OCD causing you to overthink and obsess also really strikes a chord with me, because I’ve struggled with that too! Working with my therapist, I have been able to re-frame some of it. She literally asked me to mentally think of a box of some kind. I love playing video games, so I mentally picture a storage container from those automation/factory games. I mentally put things in that box in my head, so I can come back to them later when I’m ready. It seems silly, but it has really helped me, so I pass that along to you in case some of that might help. This doesn’t mean you have to forget about any of it - just give yourself the grace and permission to put things into that box during times when it’s just too much, so you can come back to them later. It has also kinda helped me organize some thoughts, because I have a couple of these mental storage chests now. One chest in my head is labeled “Loving Others” and the other is labeled “Loving Myself”. These labels were carefully chosen by my therapist and I because working with others, and how I treat myself are the biggest hurdles I want to work on.

I don’t know if any of that might help, but I hope maybe it starts a thread in your head about how you can take charge of some of those things that cause the obsessing and overthinking. I think that term “Take Charge” could also be a key for you, just from what I know so far. It feels like you’re at a crossroads in life. That can feel overwhelming!! But it is also an opportunity! It’s a chance to establish what you want your life to be…to establish boundaries with others (including your parents)…to create the life that you want…and finally to start putting positivity into the world to counteract some of the negativity you’ve had to deal with! Take charge of these tactical things, and maybe that will start to allow your heart to heal.

Finally - there are so many people that work for, and volunteer for HeartSupport. I’m a volunteer, because I have had my ups and downs with my mental health, and I’m doing exactly what I’m suggesting that you may be able to do in the future…Give Back to others while I’m in a good time of my life! I simply want to be here…to show up for YOU. I actively look for people like you, to offer some thoughts, and most importantly to offer love and support for a fellow human that deserves it! Be kind to yourself, and try to use your past to light a fire in you. Your fire can burn bright, starting from a small spark, growing and burning away the dark and negative parts of life! I wish you the best!

[kenalvarez1967]

It is aggravating, and frustrating, to build hope only to have it repeatedly torn down. Your hope is not gone, it is buried in the dirt waiting for you water it so it grows like a weed. Jamie Jasta says that some people say that hope is for the weak, he goes on to say “F**k that, hope is all we have!” I agree with him, when things are as bleak as they can get, there is the hope that they will get better.
It is sad that you had to push the people you care about away, but nobody deserves to be mistreated by other people. You are worthy of love and happiness, never let anyone tell you differently. You found our community, a community of love and care with no judgment. A community of loving and caring people who want to see you grow and succeed. We are always available to talk.
I still have demons of my own that I struggle with, when they knock me down I get back up and keep fighting. Not allowing yourself to be happy because you are afraid of being vulnerable must be taking a toll on you.
There is always a way forward, just because you can’t see it right now doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Keep going and you will find it. You might even find happiness on the way forward.
Hiding your true self out of fear, of being rejected for not being good enough, being different, not fitting in, is emotionally draining. I’ve been there and done that, until I had enough of it and got rid of the mask. Getting rid of the mask left me feeling free and happy. I hope you get rid of your mask soon.
Parents should never ridicule a child for being scared, sick, or in pain, they should be supportive and helpful. Have you tried talking to them about this?
We move forward as best as we can, sometimes it’s a leap, sometimes a baby step, the important thing is to keep moving and growing.
Overthinking and obsessing over bad things in the past have you frozen and not wanting to be you, I totally understand that. What got me through the periods of stagnation may or may not work for you, I wrote about it in my journal followed by what direction I wanted my life to. Writing it all out helped me a lot.