I was born with a seizure disorder and have been tested as highly intelligent. Both are great for relentlessly getting you picked on as the new kid in school. As a result, I co-existed, but was never really close with my classmates, forming a lifelong pattern of only keeping about 3-4 close friends at any time. Throughout my teens, being ‘depressed’ wasn’t ‘allowed’ and I was gaslit at the mention of the word. Over the years, the isolation and rejection by others have left something that feels more like an incomplete patchwork of parts. I’m not unwanted, but no real place here. I just wander through and pretend to be a ‘normal human’ as best as I know how.
We are so glad you are here and we appreciate you sharing your story. I’m so sorry you were picked on relentlessly. Having to ignore your depression must have been exhausting. Trying to get through each day with a smile when deep down you feel like you are suffocating hiding behind your mask. Experiencing numbness because you fear letting them out so in order to survive you become numb. I have felt that way , always having to hide my depression and it takes a toll. For years I lived numb to the world and I vowed to never allow myself to fully feel because I feared being hurt again. But we were created for so much more than that! We were meant to share ourselves and our stories. Even if we only have one friend we trust, opening up and taking off our masks for them can be a relief. It’s a burden we aren’t meant to bear alone! We are here for you! You are not alone and you are so worthy of healing!
My gosh, friend. Thank you so much for reaching out here and sharing these parts of your story. I feel so much of your words here, for not only it goes with the heaviness you’ve been feeling along these years, but also because it resonates deeply in me. I was labeled as high functioning early in life, like my siblings, which in all honesty is, in my opinion, just the result of traumas we’ve been through as children that forced us to grow early. Throughoutout my life, I have felt the same way as you. Only a handful of close friends by your side through different seasons of life. No space at home to share and show your true emotions, so you’r eforced to rely on yourself when it comes to emotional regulation. This constant feeling of having no real place for you in this world, of being an outcast no matter how much you try to take part in what’s happening around you. It’s really hard to feel like something would be wired wrong, or at least differently in you, enough at least for this world to continusouly reflect on you that you would be inadequate somehow. That if you truly want to be a prt of this world, then you would have to give up on parts of your self. That coming as you are would apply to anyone else but you - no, for you, being would have to be conditional. Instead, you have to master the art of being a chameleon over time. Of being what others want you to be.
You know you are loved, that there are people in your life, but none of it ever reduces this deep feeling of loneliness inside of your heart. It feels most of the time as if you are contemplating life rather than fully embracing it. There’s movement around you, but it’s out of reach, which hurts even more that it is, physically, right where you are at the same time. This is definitely a hard place to be in, and I’m sorry it has been your experience. Somehow, there might be comfort to find at times in knowing that other people can understand our own loneliness. We’re alone together, which reminds us in our darkest times that how you feel is not a fault, not something to be ashamed of, not something wrong either. You re not too much, your are not not enough. You are perfect just as you are, even if this world doesn’t help feeling it.