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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Schism by Tool
@heartsupport me and my girlfriend are at a crossroads, she feels as if I haven’t been able to connect and support her feelings and admittedly over text it’s harder for me to connect to them, and in her recent stress she’s basically distanced herself from me, only seeing me when it’s most convenient and even then she speaks maybe a sentence or two to me, in the beginning our relationship was very close we would see eachother whenever we could so like in the song I know the pieces fit but she keeps putting me at a distance, because of her stress and feels because of past traumas she can’t rely on me because I’m a man or tell me her feelings because I’m a man and I’ve been patient I’ve told her I have no negative feelings towards her and want to figure this out together but again she’s put me at a distance saying she won’t even be online for the next few days, and it’s eating me alive rn
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I can absolutely empathise and feel the hurt and frustration you must be feeling in this situation.
I would never dream of telling you “this is what you should do” because it’s not my place and I know I do not know you and your partner.
What I can offer is a reminder to be gentle with yourself and to take a moment to feel through your feelings and really reflect on your needs.
Communication is something that is important in any form of relationship. It’s also something that can take practice. If I’m being honest, I was terrible at communication. I would often sink into my feelings and shut my partner out. We had/have a long distance relationship, so like yourself a lot of it was dependant on online communication. If I chose to disconnect it felt him in the dark.
We worked through this because he gave me some ultimatums. He was willing to give me some space if I needed, but within reason and that I couldn’t just disappear and then come back like nothing happened.
It was a compromise and it was a hard one for both of us.
He had to allow me the grace of needing some space to think through my feelings
And I had to owe him the respect and decency to open up and communicate.
I’m not going to assume whether or not you have told her how this affects and impacts you, but I want you to know that it IS important. Of course her feelings are valid and of course she deserves the space to express and feel safe, but you do too.
I’m proud of you for being a patient and safe space for the relationship and for her.