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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Falling Away From Me By KORN
@heartsupport My childhood made no sense and still doesnt. I was an only child and I was either adored and spoiled, or abused and hated. It was such a dichotomy that makes no sense to me and never has. Was I loved or hated??? I have no idea, I guess I was both.
Your feelings are extremely valid, and I can understand how confusing it must be to look back on such a childhood. That kind of shift between being adored and then abused creates a lot of mixed emotions, leaving you wondering what was real. It’s normal to be unsure about how to feel when you’ve experienced such stark contrasts.
Growing up in an environment like that can make it difficult to process your emotions or feel secure. On one hand, being spoiled might have made you feel cared for, while on the other hand, the abuse must have been incredibly hurtful and left you questioning your worth and value.
It’s understandable to feel conflicted about whether you were loved or hated. You shouldn’t have had to face such inconsistencies as a child. Your experiences are complex, and they don’t fit neatly into one category or another. Sometimes, it’s both, and that’s confusing and difficult to reconcile.
If you find it hard to make sense of those feelings now, that’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself to have all the answers. Talking about your experiences with a trusted friend or mental health professional might help in untangling some of the emotions you carry.
Above all, know that your worth isn’t defined by how others treated you. You deserve care and compassion, both from others and from yourself. Be kind to yourself as you continue navigating these feelings.
Yea… it is incredibly challenging to try to understand what’s been inside of the mind of a parent that would alternate between such extreme behaviors. One day you feel loved and like everything is getting better, but then you’re suddenly hit with this wave of rejection and abuse. It’s so hard when, at a young age, you receive such mixed messages. A natural inclination would be to try to fit and please your parent in order to stay safe, but the instability of their behaviors and responses were not allowing any sense of safety. It was about navigating the unpredictable, having to be on your guard and maybe defiant to the love and affection sometimes too. For what it’s worth, I personally grew up with a mom who was exactly as you describe in your comment, and as an adult I’ve already spent years realizing the absolute madness it was. It leaves such a special wound when the answer to the question: “was I even loved in the first place?” remains uncertain. It’s the perfect recipe to doubt about yourself, feel worthless and unsafe in this world at the same time. It makes it hard to know how to trust people with yourself when the very first person who was supposed to protect you and care for you was this major source of instability and question marks.
One certainty remains through it all, even if it’s one that can be hard to wrap your mind around: your value and worth were and will never be defined by their behavior, what they said or did to you either. You have worth and value in this worth, regardless of how they treated you. They may not have been able to see it, for their own reasons, but know a stranger out there sees you right now, and is thankful you are here. Thank you for sharing this part of your story. 
@@HeartSupport Thank you so very much for this!!!