This is a topic from YOUTUBE. Reply as normal, and we will post it to the user on YouTube.
Belongs to: Therapist gets Sober by Tool
@heartsupport My problem with addiction is that like you mention this stupid addiction voice, but it isn’t necessarily about my feelings cuz I’m pretty content with what I have but like my envy of what others have and how much it hurts to try to connect with people today because it seems you need to lose or be the loss or better yet both to truly appreciate the current moment. It’s not about my self worth it’s about how fast my brain spins when I’m sober for more than a day. I just spin and spin until I’m out of energy and get overly frustrated and this begins the cycle again. Meds don’t give me much relief either because I’m addicted to new feelings whether good or bad and unfortunately in tune with my emotions and body so any unnatural change I’ll naturally reject. I feel I need to be at least partially intoxicated (marijuana) in order to not have that additional stress and just enjoy the current moment because maybe that little kid in my head is hurting really really badly but I can’t help that little void creature from sucking the fun out of everything. It’s not even that I’m pessimistic just too enthralled by what’s new. Recently my program is making me cut down to a much smaller amount than what I was consuming and the first day was actually way worse than I thought and I remember sending myself into a manic episode later in the day to get that same rush but after that it’s not like I’m physically ill or anything but my brain is such a poison sometimes when I’m sober that that’s actually when the self worth starts to beat me up over things I couldn’t control at a time where I didn’t have the tools or self guidance to be self sustaining. I can easily navigate these idea with even just the edge of sobriety removed but why do I feel guilty being sober?
2 Likes
Hello. I don’t have the whole context of what you are experiencing, but you said that your program is making you cut down to a smaller amount of consumption. I assume that this is an addiction recovery program? If so, I think that it is great that you are actively working on trying to figure out the thing you are struggling with. You say you are in tune with your emotions and body and that unnatural changes will be naturally rejected? Drugs are unnatural changes, no?
I have self medicated a lot in my life, and been on every number of pharmaceutical drugs for mental health under the sun. I am not sure if I can relate completely to that of addiction, but I do believe that self-medication and addiction are not that far off from each other. The conclusion I have come to over the course of the 10+ years I have been in recovery. Is that all drugs/medicine of any kind. To me personally, are just tools. They may help allow me to temporarily halt some of my symptoms while trying to figure out how to cope, but in the end it is me who has to change. Change my perspective, fix personality flaws, grow my self-love/worth, and things of this nature. There are a many things that I have changed and am still working to change to grow, but I think that in the end the answers can not come from medicine/drugs, no matter if they sometimes give us what we need temporarily to make it, they will never be able to give us what we need permanently and long term. These things must come from with-in ourselves and from working hard on trying to face and manage the emotions and thoughts we are currently dealing with. I have had a lot of help in doing this, from professionals, and books and such.
I am not sure why you feel so guilty being sober, and I do not have answers for what can be done to make working through things while sober easier. Regardless of not having answers and not knowing if I am ever saying the right things. I do care, and will read and reply if you ever feel the want/need to share more. I believe that peer support and externalizing what we are going through are an important part of recovery. Hope you can feel a bit better over time, and continue to fight for yourself in your journey to grow.
Thanks again for reading through my little spiel. The guilt isn’t directly related to the substance abuse but it’s kinda like pushing on my subconscious in unfortunate ways because of how I started heavier consumption. Basically to not beat around the bush I hurt that person in that relationship because of my self centered perspective I didn’t even realize I had. I no longer have any form of contact with this person after I tried to hold on to something that wasn’t made to last, we were making it last cuz we thought that was normal. I still beat myself up for not having the tools and info to stop what happened in me or them or the situation itself. Thankfully, I think and hope, that thanks to us experiencing that initial detrimental heartbreak at a young age we’ll hopefully be able to learn better in life thanks to that. But my problem with guilt and being sober I think is also influenced by my neurodivergency since I’ve always been this hyper fixated by every idea and concept i’ve ever thought of hence the horrible co dependency that came from being so attached at the hip even if it was just online safe from the one physical week that we did spend in-person. I don’t think it’s substances that are my crutch i’m falling back on so much as the ability to validate as much pain and guilt as I let myself feel and wallow in those emotions is where I’m actually hurting myself the most. Just today to give an example I ordered food wayy too late at night ended up passing out and waking up and it being wasted. 30 bucks down the drain cuz im trying to fill that stupid void in my heart. Like I know nothing fills it but that doesn’t mean I won’t try to alleviate any of that sorrow.@@HeartSupport
Also I should have clarified that it’s not the change in mental state that bothers me but rather being able to pin point when it starts and what I’m feeling. If the feeling feels unnatural or like it’s dimming my body or senses I tend to let my mind take over in the fear department. I think part of it is I enjoy uncomfortable situations a little too much for my own good.@@HeartSupport