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Belongs to: Feeling like you re going through struggles alone @heartsupportwall@skilletmusic Today, after another conversation with the man who gave birth to me (I don’t want to call her mother anymore), I once again thought about suicide. She tried to convince me again that everything I do and plan is nonsense, she tried to manipulate me, tried to mock me. And I went out of my way not to cry in front of her…
@d.m.edits._ I get that. My relationship with my mom is kinda rocky, too. When I was a teen I was in that place when I thought there’s nothing left to live for. But my sister is married with children now and she tucks them in bed at night and says ‘i love u’ (which my mom never did) So now I always think of that and how I want to do that. And I guess I found something to look forward to in life. I’m sure you’ll see it soon enough. It won’t always be so bad.
@robyn_lagnado Yes, my mother, in all my 27 years of life, also said this to me only in public or when she was drunk, which is extremely rare. In Russia, when something doesn’t work out at the first attempt, we say that the first pancake is a failure. And, apparently, I am that very pancake. First child, disabled… But thanks for the support! I really hope things will change at some point.
I’m so sorry to hear about your strained relationship, and my heart goes out to you. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a huge hug. It must feel so devastating to have your mother fail you. She is supposed to be your rock, helping you through your hardest times and being a shoulder to cry on, but when she fails to be there you must be left feeling so alone and helpless, like there is no hand to guide you through your trials. I am so sorry you haven’t had a proper mother figure, and the way that your mother has been treating you is downright wrong. No mother should manipulate their child or mock them. You deserve more than that and you are more then what your mother paints you as.
Regardless of the words your mother may throw at you or how she may pout you down, you are so much more. Her mean statements do not define you. You are so much more. You are not a failure. You were created with a purpose. Your life has so much meaning. You are fully unique and NOTHING can take that away from you. You have the power to reach those around you like nobody else, and no one can have the same impact you do. Your mother has no idea how wrong she is, but I hope you know that she is wrong. I pray that she can find the error in her ways and learn to respect the incredible child that she is blessed to have in your life. Though you may not have heard it from your mother, this still rings true- you are loved more than you can know.
Thank you for opening up with us. We are always here with you if you would like to talk more. Holdfast- we believe in you!
It is SO incredibly hard to endure difficult relationships, especially when it’s our close family. Those are the people we seek validation and security from, and when they only give us the opposite, it feels like there is nowhere else we can go for safety or hope.
But even in this situation, I deeply believe that there is hope for you and that you are not defined by the hurt others inflict on you. The lies, the manipulation, the discouragement; all of it has no reflection on your worth. There is nothing to be ashamed of in vulnerability and crying. Sometimes in my own life I try to hide my pain and stifle my tears because I don’t want to show my brokenness. But feeling broken is not wrong, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I want to encourage you in this really hard struggle that you are worthy of true compassion and love. Everything you do is NOT worthless. You are loved deeply, and I believe that there is purpose for your life as long as there is breath in your lungs. I am thinking of you, friend, and praying for you wherever this finds you.
@heartsupportwall8 Thank you! Yes, you’re right, there’s no shame in crying, but she and I haven’t lived as a family for a long time, and sometimes as enemies. And one of my main rules in life is to never show my enemies my weakness. Otherwise they’ll realize they’ve won. That’s why it was so important for me not to show her my tears.
I’m sure you’ll see it soon enough. It won’t always be so bad.