I agree w/ what she said. We hold things in and push it outwards. When I was a teen, early 20s I lost many fights with walls, and fences and stopped because it wouldn’t change anything. I still hold things in but I don’t really feel anything anymore. I saw someone say psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made. I would never willingly or intentionally turn myself into that, but I wonder if the fact I held things in for long in my life (31) I did turn myself into a sociopath. I feel nothing. I don’t do bad things not because I’d feel guilty but because prison doesn’t sound like a good place for me. I don’t remember my life under the age of 13 except trauma . Therapy would be amazing but alot of us are in the same boat and have 2 choices, food & shelter or Therapy. love the video, yall keep being amazing
Just the fact that you know you’re holding things in shows you’re not a sociopath. You have felt overwhelming emotions and gone through trauma throughout the majority of your childhood… no wonder you would go into freeze and shut down emotionally. Your body is probably in overwhelm and shock from all you’ve been through. When those fights with walls and fences didn’t heal the hurt within, your nervous system may have decided the next best thing is to just sleep for a while. It is protecting you.
That by no means makes you a sociopath or takes away your humanity. I understand your fears about how pushing things down for so long could engrain those unfeeling patterns. However, since you know this is a path you’re on, you also have the power to change and begin to let yourself feel again.
When we feel frozen we may believe that we are safer because we are still. I have a piece of writing from an incredibly unbearable time of pain where I describe a fear of letting the ball of yarn (thoughts, emotions, trauma) begin to unwind because I did not know how to begin to unwind it without everything falling apart. It felt like an impossible task with far too many emotions to begin to grapple with. While therapy is a preferred space to unravel that, there is a lot to be said for journaling, asking yourself deep questions like (how did X affect me, what patterns or habits did I develop from my childhood, what does my child self need and what could I speak to them) etc. As well as just writing out your entire story so you can see it in context, feeling what needs to be felt, and offering compassion to yourself who went through those things. Take all this with a grain of salt because I am not a therapist, but there are many other things besides therapy that could be helpful and beginning steps for you.
I believe that underneath all that pain and protective walls you have built, there is a loving, caring, kind, and empathetic person. You deserve to allow yourself to feel to reunite with that person who is still there.
It is so unfortunate that our healthcare system has so much inequality that basic therapy is not accessible. It pains me that you have to choose between survival and mental health. I hope you can find alternative resources, whether reaching out on the HeartSupport forums, talking with a trusted friend, watching more therapy youtube videos, or reading books about mental health. We care about you and love you! You are so strong for getting through what you have gone through! You will feel again and you will be okay!
Thank you for reaching out to us, I’m very grateful you did. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve struggled so much in your past and that this trauma is still something you’re processing. It must be so defeating to have these walls and fences feel as if they are overcoming you and having to hold in so much. You must be so exhausted.
One metaphor that holds a lots of truth I was told about how we react and process our emotions is the beachball analogy. If we take an inflatable beachball and hold in under water, it takes a lot of force, but we can hold it under. Eventually though, if we stop pressing so hard or if our fingers slip, the beachball comes shooting up and out of the water. This is used to show how holding our emotions is a way that people process emotions instead of exploding all at once when negative things happen to them. You’ve endured and persevered through so much hurt, that you’ve managed to hold your emotions in and are almost familiar with the feelings that reside inside. Like the beachball analogy, you’ve held these feelings so deep down that you haven’t given yourself time to process them.
I can tell you with all the certainty I have, you are not a sociopath. Sociopaths are emotionless people, not people who tend to hold in their emotions. I find that at many points in my life I became so depressed and so numb to the things around me that I dealt with things such as breakups, arguments, deaths in my family, and had little to no emotional reactions. Even at my worst times, I was not a sociopath; Neither are you.
You are not someone who is a sociopath. You are working on becoming yourself again. I’m so sorry to hear that you aren’t able to access therapy, I know there are resources, HeartSupport being one, but also the 988 hotline. Even without therapy, I found that I benefitted monumentally by spending time journaling, meditating, and praying to work through and process my emotions. I had to let the beachball shoot out of the water which was far from easy, but I’ve found so much joy and peace by learning how to not store up my emotions but instead let them come and go.
You are not alone, you are not a monster, and you are so loved. Make sure you are showing yourself plenty of love, because you absolutely deserve it. I know things will get better for you, your story is far from over. Keep holding on and keep pressing forward <3
love the video, yall keep being amazing