Hello everyone, I would like to apologize in advance for how lengthy and possibly incoherent this post may be. it’s been ages since I’ve written in this website and it’s also been a while since I’ve reached out for actual help so here I am.
I’m writing this because for years I’ve found myself in a spiritual and emotional prison that puts into danger the few things that are precious to me.
I will spare you of a lengthy backstory although details do matter but I’m a man, I’m 25 and everyday I hate my life and I hate and am confused by myself and my own emotions and habits.
I was a leader in the church once. A strong defender of faith and a most imperfect but stubbornly devout servant. I used to make music and poetry. I used to love to read and to listen to music. Everything in life had meaning and purpose in my eyes. Everyone was special to me.
But now everything is dry. Apathy has squeezed every bit of profound joy in my life. All the laughter has become a reflex every day I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Nothing is fun. Everything is dry. The emotions that were once deep are now very shallow. The only thing I feel strongly anymore is anger and a different kind of sadness that I haven’t previously known.
The worst part of it that my life on paper isn’t that bad. I have a good paying job and a beautiful girlfriend and my health. Many blessings indeed and yet I have found every way to endanger everything in my life that is good for me.
I left the church for many reasons, I had many lovely friends there and they pursued my return for years but I could never go back. I used to love God if I even know love is I used to think he loved me and this world. But over the years I began to question scripture. The violence the translation the ethics of the commandments(not that scripture is the only thing that makes a Christian a Christian or made me and my faith) long story short, I’ve never been good with blind faith. And there came a time in my faith that I felt Every single time I wanted it wished or worked for something I really wanted or dreamed of, God told me no. I disagreed with the spirit so much that I grew to despise it and felt like God dragged me from misery just to throw me back into it and the warmth of prayer and possibility of a light at the end of this long ass tunnel wasn’t enough to keep going. Promise of a heaven I can’t even comprehend. Which upon reflection showed me just how self centered I can be and just how faithless I was. Disappointed and disgusted with myself and with my lack willingness for sacrifice and lack of comprehension of God and faith. I left the church and with it my identity left me as well. If not a man of God I didn’t know what kind of man I was. So settled to just be a Good man but oh how imperfect and weak I am. That loss of identity was devastating. If God doesn’t love me and isn’t real then I don’t love me and I don’t want to be real. For over a year I contemplated suicide and cursed the day my mother decided to not abort me( God bless her soul).
And then lacking the courage to follow through I shut off every emotion I had. I bottled everything so deep till it didn’t harm me anymore and now after years of that. I feel like I’m in an even worse place than those dark days.
I have a great job yet I spend my money recklessly.
I have a beautiful girlfriend and a great sex life yet I still watch porn.
I lie for no reason. I’m quick to sadness and even quicker to anger.
I feel alone everyday and feel like I don’t belong anywhere that I go.
I won’t speak to God yet I am instantly offended by others disrespect of his name how hypocritical of me.
I feel a pain so deep that I can’t even touch it I can’t even reflect on it without panicking. I’m not as focused or attentive as I once was.
Sometimes I try to cry but no tears will come out. I’ve lost all passion for music and writing. I have no outlet for anything other than vices, liquor alcohol excessive spending all these things I try to do just to feel something deep and profound again. And it’s obvious those are shallow things yet I chase them again and again.
Apathy has strangled me into submission, I want to feel I want to love I want live. Everyday I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I’m sorry if I’m being dramatic and how lengthy this was but if anyone has ever been through this or knows of anything that can help. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you