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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Alice in Chains Nutshell
Hello all. I’m 54. I was born with a club foot and my left leg shorter than my right. I had corrective surgeries when I was a kid and then when I was 18 I started working for the town I lived in and I eventually became a building supervisor which required very physically taxing work. This obviously aggravated the issues I was born with. By my early 30’s I began seeing a pain management doctor and I quickly became addicted to pain medication. I didn’t want to or plan to, it just happened. After 21 years, at the age of 40, I had to retire from my job because I could no longer handle the physical demands on my body. A couple of months later I had to move home to become a care giver for both my parents, all while dealing with my addiction. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and it took a mental toll on me. My dad died in 2015 and then in 2017 my mom and my oldest brother died of heart attacks 3 months apart . I had to give the ok to take them off life support and I watched both of them take their last breaths. My addiction got worse as I took extra medication to numb my pain. Just as I thought things couldn’t get worse, I lost my best friend of 25 years. She was my ex who I became best friends with and was godfather to her two sons who loved as if they were my own. I lost my entire support system and then I lost everything I owned in a fire just 5 days after moving in to a new apartment. I’ve spent the last seven years in and out of in patient mental facilities which I went to voluntarily. I’ve had 3 suicide attempts with the last being this past December. I’m in physical pain 24/7 from degenerative issues caused by club foot and leg length discrepancy and 21 years of physical labor and it’s only going to get worse as I get older. I’ve had four back surgeries in two years and it’s still very hard to get around. I struggle every day to find a reason to basically start over and go on. I’m an artist and I use that as a coping mechanism. I draw and listen to music and this is the song I go to all the time when I’m at my lowest. Sorry I went so long. Once it starts coming out it’s hard to stop. If there is anyone out there that can relate in any way I would love to hear from you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It sounds like so many compounding events and losses have added up over years to increase your grief and physical pain and take away good things and supports. In the losses, I hear the love, too-- of your best friend, though she passed, and her kids and the love you shared with them as their godfather. You have been strong through so much taking care of your parents while dealing with addiction yourself and the physical pain you are constantly in. Then the grief and loss of your parents brother all in a short time span.
In every low there are highs of love, connection, and your art. You show resilience and strength in how you have adapted to overcome all these challenges. You haven’t given up even when life has smacked you in the face. Keep drawing and listening to music and pull from every resource possible to keep you here. The world needs you. I know you’re in a lot of physical and emotional pain, and I won’t begin to overlook how excruciating that is, but I want to tell you that life is still worth living despite it. For every bit of darkness there is a hope and light that redeems it. I believe that every pain in our lives can be transformed into something beautiful when we let go. I hope that you allow the universe to paint the redemptive arc of your story, even if you don’t see it while you are here on earth. There is meaning in all the care and love you have poured into others. There is meaning in your art. There is meaning in your courage. Don’t give up because it’s difficult right now. There is more for you. The best is yet to come.
Thank you for reaching out to Heartsupport! <3
I’m sorry to hear that you have gone through so many. I can only imagine how hard must have been to fight those physical issues than to retire because of it, but it was for your health so you did what was best for you. And it shows how much you loved and cared for your parents by being a caregiver for them, while fighting that addiction that was following you all around.
Oh…and then losing your parents together with your brother, in such a short time, that’s heartbreaking and so terrible to handle it. Then you lost even more. My heart is with you.
Unfortunately going through these kind of terrible things can make it even harder to break the addictions, and being haunted by depression and suicidal thoughts, until it takes to attempt by taking your own life. Have you tried seeking a professional that might help you with those burdens? I know how hard it is to find that reason to keep on going, I’ve been in that dark hole.
Using art as an coping mechanism, it helps a lot to express yourself and to be heard without using words, it can impact so many people. Do you share it with someone?
And yes, music it’s also very special to my soul, it can help us heal better, and to literally know that we are not alone in this battle. What other bands do you like?
I know that it can be so very hard to stay alive, but as long as you keep on going you have won another day. And if you die, who else is gonna create that art that lies inside you and needs to be expressed? People get inspired by stories they can relate to, and someone else will relate to your story and feel less lonely in this battle.
Please, don’t say sorry for sharing long, here it’s a safe place and you are always welcomed in our community.
I really hope you can get better and feel less pain, and yo find that spark again.
I’m so sorry you’ve had so much thrown at you! I wish I had some amazing advice to offer you but I know it would fall short for what you’re feeling and have gone through. Instead I can offer a hug from afar, and I want you to know you’re loved. You matter. This perfect stranger believes in you and is cheering you on. Your art and your voice matter and maybe can even reach someone else going through loss and addiction. Would love to see your art! hugs
