Ive always tried my best, i always thought that the good days will come. but lately it seem the sky just kept getting darker. Coming from a poor family ive always tried my best to survive. this world is too harsh. i sense that there is no more hope. Lost my dad last February. for two years i watch him struggle from a strong man to this weak worn out skinny person who is almost a stranger in my eyes. its painful. At some point he even ask to die. those words still lingers in my memory. im sorry dad. i cant do anything. if only i could get myself a better job to help u get a better treatment im sorry im usch a failure dad i really do. i quit my job to take care of my dad in the last 4 month of his life. 3 of my siblings were still in school, taken my role as a father figure of the family i started working as a hard labor at my local construction site, see i am not an educated person, its not that i dint tried to get educated, i did enter a community college, but at my 3rd semester i drop out, reason being the divorce between my parent, i got back to my hometown to help my father in earning money for the family. Now i felt that my body cant no longer take this work as my backbone keep getting this sharp pain from time to time. Im scared.now my siblings has been taken from me from by relatives, as i cant take care of them anymore. no words for me to say as i cant care for them anymore. i tried to slice my wrist the other day, but the pain of the sharp knives running to my wrist stopped me. i even failed at ending my own life. its not like i want to die. i just wanna be put out of this misery. this life is killing me , its just the matter either it kill me first or i will. I am really scared of dying, i really do. i just wanna rest. i dont know what else should i do, im scared to talk to anyone about my depression, im scarred for people to know that i am depressed. i dont want to life like this, i want to enjoy what other people do, eating something fancy, vacation, playing games. im just 23 years old , i want to felt like other 23 years old person. why oh why does life forsaken me. i want to share this story to someone and thats how i found this website, i just dont want people to know nor worry about me but i want to talk about it, i need someone to help me, guide me what should i do, i dont want to die. But its like im drowned in this ocean, where i cant die, but i cant breath i can feel the water filling my lungs but i cant die, im in pain. i can feel it physically sometimes. im sorry
Hey @misery. Thank you for your post. Please don’t apologize for what you wrote. (You wrote “I’m sorry” at the end.) I’m glad that you wrote it and that you came here for support. It’s a step in the right direction, and your problems and your feelings are worth reading about.
I’m so sorry to see that you lost your father. My condolences to you. And then the rest of your family was taken from you. That really stinks. I hope you still see your siblings, even though they don’t live with you. I can tell that you want to be able to take care of them, and that you feel bad because you can’t, but I think the interaction you have with them is more important than the fact that they live with other relatives. If your relatives are treating them well, then I think that’s a burden you are carrying that you can let go of. As long as your siblings know you love them and that you’re there for them if they need help, that’s what’s important in the long run.
I understand that you feel bad because you couldn’t do more for your dad, but I hope that you can find a way to become ok with the fact that you did the best that you could do for him with the resources that you had available. That’s all you can do in life, is work with what you have and do your best. I know that sometimes it’s hard to be ok with something you think you could have done better at, but when you raise the bar higher than is possible to work with, you will always feel disappointed. You did the best you could for him with what you had to work with and with the knowledge you had. You were a good son to him. I can tell that from what you wrote.
I think you should see a doctor about your back. I understand that you don’t have a lot of money, but I don’t think you should ignore it. Going to a doctor and getting treatment will help in the long run. Pain is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong, and not doing something about it can sometimes make things worse. If you don’t have insurance, monthly payments can be made towards bills. I think it’s important that you get your back checked out.
I’m glad you came here and posted how you are feeling. I think you should continue to do that as often as you feel you need to for as long as you need to. I also think that you should talk to a therapist or a counselor to help you with all of these feelings that you have. You can get a free week on Better Help through Heart Support. You have to put in credit card information because they bill automatically, but as long as you cancel before the seven days are up, you won’t get charged. They also have a discount for people who can’t afford it, so you could maybe look into that if you check out the site. I strongly urge you into looking into speaking with a counselor.
~Daisy 