From .idk_k: how do i talk to ppl i feel like im wasting my life being shy and socially awkward
when ever i try to talk i can’t. I barely talk in school seeing everyone talk and have fun makes me feel left out i don’t want to be like this anymore its gotten worse.
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Hello,
Thank you for reaching out! I imagine that experiencing high levels of shyness and social awkwardness when trying to talk to others can make the moments feel very nerve-wracking. And it can be isolating to see others in their social circles when you deeply desire a social circle of your own as well.
I do struggle with this as well myself where sometimes I convince myself that people don’t really enjoy my company and it makes me feel shy and reserved, kind of like I don’t belong. Then I found that by practicing (starting conversations with others - whether it be small talk or common interests), the repeated exposure of slightly pushing myself outside of my comfort zone expanded my comfort zone.
Whenever it comes to socializing, meeting new people, and trying to make friends some encounters won’t go so well, but others will be nice. And both experiences are a very normal part of life. And I think once we give ourselves that grace of knowing, not every conversation with every person we meet has to go well, there is less fear around saying and doing the “wrong” things, which allows your true self to shine!
Stepping outside of our comfort zones to make friends is a process and a journey, and I wish you the best of luck on yours.
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Hey friend,
This is similiar to a post I replied to for another community member, so I’m going to paste in my reply from that, but also provide some more context to hopefully provide some perspective!
Being in highschool can be really challenging as it’s a time where you’re trying to see where you fit in and avoid being picked on at the same time. Often times, I’ve seen people who are “socially akward” in high school go on to have incredibly vibrant lives and engaging with the world in ways I never expected them to - props to them.
That said, are there classes or hobbies that you really like? I ask this because it could be a fairly easy thing to consider when tyring to open up and make friends. For example, if you like art class, try striking up a conversation with a fellow class mate. Connect with them on their art and yours and maybe see if they want to do art together. You can do this by complimenting them on their art, ask them how they did it, what approach they took, what inspired them to take that path in so on.
Obviously that’s just one example, but you can apply it to whatever it is that you do truely like.
You could also try and volunteer to do something or get a job outside of school where you would be around people that could help you kind of get out that bubble by way of brute force (exposure therapy). It’s uncomfortable, but through my life I’ve realized that “what is in the way, is the way.” by facing the things that you fear most and conquering them, you end up becoming a better and more complete version of your self.
Now for some back ground and perspective from my own life… I hope it helps!
By the time I was 22 I had already lived in Lousiana and California as I was attempting to chase my dream to be in a band. Things didn’t work out and I had to move back with my parents who lived in Kansas.
I dealt with cripling social anxiety, but I needed a job. I went to the local restaurant to see if I could get a cook job, but during the interview the manager said I’d make a better server. I kind of freaked out because that meant that I had to talk to strangers, but I could make more money doing that… so I agreed. In the first couple of weeks that I did this, I hated it. I would panic insomuch as when I was seated with a table my heart rate would spike, I would perfusely sweat and when I approached the table of strangers I would freeze and not know what to say. I often times had to walk away to calm down, get help from another server and somehow fight through it. Eventually, I got used to going up to a table of strangers and became a pretty good server.
I then went on to get my undergrad degree and found myself having to give presentations to not only fellow classmates but somtimes individuals from the public who would be examining HOW I SPOKE. I experienced the same form of panic, but worked through it and ended up doing a good job.
I was then recruited to a cororate company where my clients were CEOs and CIOs of billion dollar companies. I was hypervigilant with everything I said and I hoped I didn’t say the wrong thing, etc. I went through the same steps of evolution and eventually got to a point to where not only my boss, but my bosses boss would tell my team members to come to me for advice on how to speak to people.
It’s kind of funny, that internally I still consider myself an introverted socially akward person, people from the outside look at me as a highly polished connecter and networker with people. In essence, I was able to turn my weakness into probably my biggest strength.
I went from only having my core 3 friends from high school to now being out in the community and having people know me and I’m essentially never alone!
That was, in a way, exposure therapy. It was tough, painful, and very uncomfortable, but I am extremely thankful that this was a part of my journey.
some tennents I’ve learned that are at the core of my “strength” are as follows:
1.) be your authentic self - We live in a world that is nothing but a facade, lots of fake things and people, perfect lives on social media with no substance to it. When you are your most authentic people are drawn to you as that’s what is lacking in most people’s lives today. What do I mean by this? Think about the things you love, the weird, the nerdy, the frindge. Own these things and passionately express these things. People are energized by you when you share what you love.
2.) be vulnerable - When I started at the corpate job I spoke of earlier, I had a friend who just shared anything and everything to the point where I would often look at him and be like wtf?! why would you tell someone that. In my own head, I thought that would turn people away from me and make them hate me, but with him it seemed like people LOVED him for it. Vulnerability is like authenticity in the sense that most people lack it in their own lives and are drawn to people who exhibit this trait. They see people who are vulnerable as more trustworthy and people they can look to for inspiration.
3.) Ask questions, the simpler, the better - This one is probably the easiest to implement as it genuinly takes minimal effort and goes A LOOOOONG way. People love to talk about themselves and love when they have a free space to do so. Asking people questions diverts the attention from you, and gives the platform to who you are speaking with. Weirdly, from a psychological perspective, you can say like five words and the other person can speak for an hour. At the end of that “conversation” those people will likely tell you how incredible of a conversation that was and that you’re amazing and that they want to talk again. It took me a while to figure this one out as I would have these conversations that were totally one sided (them) and they would tell me how amazing it was to speak to me. I’d sit there and think to myself, but I didn’t really say anything at all lol. Being a good listener is KEY to all of this.
As a last note, here’s a couple books for you to check out that has helped me.
Stay with it friend. I believe in you!!
Thank you for taking the courage to share your experience with us. It may seem insignificant, but finding ways to express yourself other than verbalizing can help you become more comfortable around those you interact with.
Not being able to talk to your peers can be so frustrating when you see how easily it comes to other people. You’re left feeling lonely when everyone else is enjoying each other’s company and you are not able to contribute.
I hope that you can find ways to use actions to express yourself around your classmates. One important thing to remember is to not stress if you’re not able to get the words out. It takes time, so don’t try to rush things.
If it continues to get worse, it might be beneficial to discuss with a therapist strategies to help work through this. There are several ways to overcome shyness, social anxiety, and selective mutism that they can work with you.
Take Care, and Hold Fast.
I used to be shy and socially awkward when I was a teenager. It was hard for me to fit in. You aren’t the only person that feels this way. I’m also trying to make some new friends too. It’s hard to make friends as you get older. Everyone feels nervous when talking to a new person. That’s totally normal!
What helps me? I just don’t overthink that I say something stupid & weird. There will be someone who understands you. You just need to get out of your comfort zone. Sometimes you have to be one to start the conversation. You can start saying “Hello, How are you doing?” I recommend to pay attention what the person is answering. You begin to ask questions to the person. I lost a lot of friendship due to talking about myself but not my buddies.
Here are some qualities of good friend: always support you, don’t judge your opinion & interests, and don’t find you annoying.
Here are some characteristics of bad friend: don’t respect you, ghosting, making up excuses, and don’t communicate.
There is no rush to have friends. It takes time for friendship to develop. You just need to find some interest and hobbies to make friends. It took me 10 years to find a good friend after a lot of toxic friendships. I feel 2-4 friends is enough in my life. I loved the books that @I-Am-Reclaimer mentioned. Those books are excellent to help make some friends.
I hope you are able to make some friends. Having friend makes life interesting! I know you can do it!