From hxyodabruhmini: My boyfriend says he’s going to leave me but idk if he’s just threatening me and why would he threaten me I don’t understand he says I’m annoying and to much he loved me for those reasons before but not any more we are 2 months away from our year anniversary I don’t think he actually will leave me but I can’t let go of this feeling like he doesn’t even want to be with me and he doesn’t like me any more let alone love he changed from when I met him alot so have I but I always support him I love him more then anyone could love a person but I think that’s the problem maybe I’ve created a more visible attachment and he’s noticing and doesn’t like it I’ve always been attached to people in my life probably from my daddy issues and how many times I’ve been left before when I met my bf he was the first male, person to treat me right and the only person in my life who hasn’t left me so far but maybe that’s over? I’m so confused we are good one minute and then not I feel like I’m being pulled in multiple directions I don’t know if it’s my fault I feel like it is but I’m doing everything I can to be better so people don’t leave but they always do what’s wrong with me why and worst of all this I can’t talk to any of my friends because non of them like my bf for different reasons to this but now if I go say any of this they will be like I told uso I never liked him blah blah and I don’t even know if this is over for good but I just say we are doing amazing and we are so happy and leave it at that I lie so much saying I’m good and everything in my life is so good I feel so fake but it’s not like anyone would care if I said it wasn’t good so I might as well just say I’m good idk I seem so weird this message sounds so stupid whatever idk what to do anymore i just wanna know what’s wrong with me why am I always such a problem for people
Hello hxyodabruhmini
I don’t think this really has to do with you being a problem with people, and I think that you should be honest with your friends about your emotions, and things happening in your life. Friends aren’t just for making us feel good, they are also for telling us what we need to hear, and giving us their honest opinions regardless of how good/bad their opinions are. I think that your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive in threatening to leave you, and that no person who cares about someone would/should be treating them in this way. I think that it’s a red flag to have someone treat you like you are the problem, and like you need to be changing from who you are for a relationship to last. You should find someone who cares about you as is, and who is willing to be supportive. Not someone who is going to tear you down and threaten to leave you. I think that if your gut says that there is something wrong, that there probably is, and you should heavily consider taking some space and time away to think about things. Especially if they are using the threats to get their way, and are using it as a tool to manipulate you and get what they want.
I think that the biggest problem here, is that you yourself think you are a problem. You should work towards loving yourself, and being confident in who you are. Building yourself up, and improving yourself in whatever categories of life, and improvement you think you will enjoy/benefit from. To the point where you are confident in who you are, and realize you are not a problem. You are a unique and beautiful person, who deserves to be treated right. But you have to start by realizing that for your own self, and treating yourself right. If you never love yourself, and realize your own self worth. You won’t be able to recognize when people are taking advantage of you, and not themselves recognizing your self worth. Because you are worth it, and you are not a problem. Anyone who can’t recognize that, shouldn’t be a part of your life. You should look for people who will build you up, just as you should be looking to build yourself up.
Not sure if any of that helps, but hope that your day today is going better then the last and that you can find solutions to what you are going through that work for you. <3
Hello hxyodabruhmini,
Thank you for sharing with us. I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through and the pain and confusion it is causing you. It is so beautiful that you have opened yourself up to taking a chance on love and how strongly you feel for your boyfriend. However, it does seem as though your boyfriend, at the very least, is engaging in some manipulative behaviour which is not healthy in any type of relationship. You deserve to be with a person that does not threaten to leave you and say they think you are annoying. You deserve to be uplifted in your relationship, not put down.
From the outside looking in, I’d say it is more that you are afraid of your partner being further unapproved if you told your friends what was really going on, more so than not being able to tell them what is going on. Sometimes support is not to agree with everything we do, but it is also saying I know you can make your own decisions, but I don’t think this decision is wise, or the best decision for you. And it seems like that is what your friends were trying to do by expressing their concerns around your partner. To that I pose two reflective questions: if all or most of your friends don’t think he is a match for you, what are their reasons and are their reasons valid (ex: is their truth behind what they are saying)? Also, have your friends ever been unsupportive or had bad intentions regarding your well-being before? I find that for myself reflecting on questions like this can sometimes help me step outside of my feelings for a partner and assess the relationship more holistically and even see what it is my friends see.
I understand how hard it is to love someone deeply and wanting to make the relationship last and work, however, relationships take two people wanting the same things, and working towards those things together to work, they can’t be mended by one person alone. I don’t think you are the problem. You are NOT the problem, and you have people that care for you and are willing to be there for you. You just have to get to a point where you are comfortable enough to receive honest and respectful feedback to open up to them and tell them the truth and allow them to support you.
I hope you are able to figure out what works best for you in this situation. 
Hi hxyodabruhmini,
Thank you for reaching out and being vulnerable with us. I am so sorry that you are not feeling great. I want to echo many of @Shan’s points. You are most definitely not the problem here. You are full of love and ready to give it to the people you care about. Being open to giving and receiving love is a blessing that not everyone possesses; count this blessing.
In this case, I think your partner is being emotionally abusive and manipulative towards you. The person receiving your love, care, time, and energy should treat you with the utmost respect. Through your description of the relationship, it sounds like you do an amazing job of showing him that you love him and that he responds with hot and cold behavior. Being hot and cold, or good one minute and not the next, is a manipulative way to keep you and in his service. He treats you well one day to remind you of all your amazing memories and how good of a partner he can be, and then goes back to treating you horribly and acting the way he wants. This leaves you confused and wanting to do things for your partner to ‘win’ over their good side again. I do not want to assume anything about your situation, but if anything I just said resonates, I hope you know that I have been in your shoes before. I know how it feels to be loved one second and neglected the next. and it sucks. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this and that your feelings are extremely valid.
You are not the problem, and you do not have to change a single thing about yourself to meet someone else’s expectations. I know that telling you to leave him or that he is a bad person would not be fair, and it is so much easier for me to say. You guys got together in the beginning for a reason (good connection, good memories, positive traits), and no matter how bad, you remember the good memories and what that person could offer you. But I do think you should be with someone who makes life feel easy, fun, and exciting. We have one life to live and I really believe you deserve to experience unconditional love. Your past explains the attachment you feel to him right now, but I promise you, the right person is out there. Taking some time to practice self-love and elevate yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself at this time. Who knows, maybe your partner also needs some time and a reality check to see that the way he is treating you is unfair. Who knows? Maybe after some time apart, he will grow and mature into the person who deserves your love and attention. What I do know is that, for right now, the current situation is going to continue to cause heartache and confusion.
If your friends have good intentions, show you they care, and have never given you signs that they envy you, I believe their not liking your boyfriend comes from a place of being protective over you. They may see signs of red flags or manipulative behavior from him because they are outside the situation and can see it clearly. From my own experience, I know that love can create a fog around my decision-making and ability to see actions for what they are. That is just a reflection of my own situation, and I do not want to project this onto you. Do you resonate with that at all and ever feel like your love for him might excuse behavior you wouldn’t usually let slide or would not want for your best friend or sister?
I think it would be really beneficial to take some space and time for yourself to reflect on what your non-negotiables are in a relationship. Listing out the things you bring to the table and the different things you expect and want from a partner. This exercise always helps me remind myself of my worth and that I have so many wonderful things to offer someone; why should I not expect those in return? Adding to that, journaling is a great way to relieve stress and explore your mind. I highly recommend trying it out. If you want some examples of prompts that helped me, feel free to respond here or private message me.
Overall, I just want you to know you are not alone. I have been in your shoes and know exactly how frustrating, confusing, sad, and lonely this time can be. Please know that there are good things coming your way, and you will get through this. You are stronger than you think. I am sending you love and hugs. We are here for you anytime <3