I’ve been in a funk for about a week or so or more. I cant seem to get out of bed or out besides taking Atlas out to go potty. I can’t do any of the responsibilities that I’m supposed to be doing. I have no motivation to do anything. I can barely even play with Atlas or train him and he doesn’t deserve that.
I don’t even want to go to shows (raves). When im suicidal, I think of when is the next rave? I don’t want to miss that. I want to stick around. at raves is the only time when my self consciousness isnt bad. When I have no self shame or hatred or doubts. I let loose. I feel genuine happiness. Music cures my soul. Its a positive environment. were all there for one reason: the music. And we live by the manta PLUR , peace love unity respect. We treat everyone with plur regardless of race, gender, sexuality, etc. Im supposed to go to a show tonight. ive had these tickets for bout 3 months thats how excited i was. And I thought to myself, would feeling ok me be ok with not going? and the answer was ABSOLUTELY NOT! Hes one of my favorite DJs. but depression won and I sold my ticket. I don’t care if I miss it. I just want to lie in bed all night. But I know when I see all my friends at the show and how good the DJ was and how fun they had, ill self shame a lot and beat myself up about it.
I have two voices in my head. One is telling me what I need to do to get back on track. its telling me to get up. To walk to the store. to train my dog, take him out more. do your laundry and dishes. Do your paperwork and schoolwork. the other voice is saying: efff it. don’t do any of that because lets be real, you want to just be lazy and lie in bed and isolate. doing the right things is too much work. at the same time, I want to get better. The battle between these two voices is making me so dang frustrated. Its making me want to bang my head because im so frustrated with my mind. I want to just bang my head so hard. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get out of this funk. This funk just keeps getting worse and worse. Im starting to isolate more and more.