Over the last 2 weeks, I have been hiding just how badly I’m struggling and as a consequence of that I ended up relapsing in my self-harm again. I also nearly took myself to the hospital because I was too scared to be on my own with the way my mind was going.
Even though I know there is a community here that cares about me, I have been feeling very alone… I would feel myself start to spiral into the destructive thought patterns and desperately search through the list of people who I have always been able to go to, looking for someone to message, but not finding anyone. It’s stupid, right? I can sit here and list a minimum of 4 people I could have messaged for help before hitting the point I’ve reached, yet when this spiral started, I couldn’t find a single one.
People know things have been intense with my parents, my dad has been making threats against my mum’s friend, and my mum phoned me talking about suicide. The last 2 weeks it’s been hitting me harder because all I can think about when I’m awake is exactly that. Suicide. I spend every second of the day that I’m not busy with work or talking to other people picturing myself stood on the edge of the bridge, waiting for the moment I finally jump. I’ve been at this point before, but I had a lot of people fight HARD to bring me out of this. This time, it’s been a lot longer and I’m at a point where I feel like I’m never getting out of this place. Maybe because I haven’t shared it? Maybe because my doctor won’t refer me for a diagnosis to get the right treatment? I don’t know. I just know that to get to a point where I’m considering taking myself to the hospital means I’ve hit that breaking point. I never even considered that because of the fear around my parents finding out. If I’m not thinking about that, I’m arguing with myself over falling back on drugs. The only reason pills haven’t come back into the equation is because I’m scared of hurting others. If I was staying clean for myself, at this point it wouldn’t be enough.
Usually, I would pray and pray, listen to worship, the things that make me really feel that connection with God, and I would start to feel better like He literally took all my pain. Recently though, none of that has been working and I feel like things are getting worse. On top of this, I think I hurt someone I care about very much, and possibly others without knowing - and that breaks me. For me, hurting another person is the worst thing I could do.
I’m feeling very disconnected and lonely right now, and the only reason I haven’t relapsed with drugs is that I’m scared of hurting the people that fought so hard alongside me for the last 14 months. If I didn’t have the knowledge that I would be hurting those people by using again and breaking their trust in me, I would honestly probably be back in my active addiction. My addict keeps asking me why I even care what these people will think or feel if I did it… I mean, I couldn’t find a single person to reach out to, so that means I don’t actually have anyone who gives a shit, right? But, fortunatly I have a huge heart for other people and when it comes to the people around me, I’m very driven by that heart, not my head. I also strongly believe God really did bring these people into my life to help protect me, and so with that belief, and the fact my heart is in that place, I can shut that thought down pretty fast by telling myself that just because I haven’t been as connected with these people recently, it doesn’t mean they don’t care and it would still hurt them… If I’m honest though, I don’t know how much longer I can fight through these feelings though.
I don’t hate myself, but in this period, I don’t like myself enough to stay clean or even alive for my own sake.