Here it is, in black and white

Over the last 2 weeks, I have been hiding just how badly I’m struggling and as a consequence of that I ended up relapsing in my self-harm again. I also nearly took myself to the hospital because I was too scared to be on my own with the way my mind was going.

Even though I know there is a community here that cares about me, I have been feeling very alone… I would feel myself start to spiral into the destructive thought patterns and desperately search through the list of people who I have always been able to go to, looking for someone to message, but not finding anyone. It’s stupid, right? I can sit here and list a minimum of 4 people I could have messaged for help before hitting the point I’ve reached, yet when this spiral started, I couldn’t find a single one.
People know things have been intense with my parents, my dad has been making threats against my mum’s friend, and my mum phoned me talking about suicide. The last 2 weeks it’s been hitting me harder because all I can think about when I’m awake is exactly that. Suicide. I spend every second of the day that I’m not busy with work or talking to other people picturing myself stood on the edge of the bridge, waiting for the moment I finally jump. I’ve been at this point before, but I had a lot of people fight HARD to bring me out of this. This time, it’s been a lot longer and I’m at a point where I feel like I’m never getting out of this place. Maybe because I haven’t shared it? Maybe because my doctor won’t refer me for a diagnosis to get the right treatment? I don’t know. I just know that to get to a point where I’m considering taking myself to the hospital means I’ve hit that breaking point. I never even considered that because of the fear around my parents finding out. If I’m not thinking about that, I’m arguing with myself over falling back on drugs. The only reason pills haven’t come back into the equation is because I’m scared of hurting others. If I was staying clean for myself, at this point it wouldn’t be enough.

Usually, I would pray and pray, listen to worship, the things that make me really feel that connection with God, and I would start to feel better like He literally took all my pain. Recently though, none of that has been working and I feel like things are getting worse. On top of this, I think I hurt someone I care about very much, and possibly others without knowing - and that breaks me. For me, hurting another person is the worst thing I could do.

I’m feeling very disconnected and lonely right now, and the only reason I haven’t relapsed with drugs is that I’m scared of hurting the people that fought so hard alongside me for the last 14 months. If I didn’t have the knowledge that I would be hurting those people by using again and breaking their trust in me, I would honestly probably be back in my active addiction. My addict keeps asking me why I even care what these people will think or feel if I did it… I mean, I couldn’t find a single person to reach out to, so that means I don’t actually have anyone who gives a shit, right? But, fortunatly I have a huge heart for other people and when it comes to the people around me, I’m very driven by that heart, not my head. I also strongly believe God really did bring these people into my life to help protect me, and so with that belief, and the fact my heart is in that place, I can shut that thought down pretty fast by telling myself that just because I haven’t been as connected with these people recently, it doesn’t mean they don’t care and it would still hurt them… If I’m honest though, I don’t know how much longer I can fight through these feelings though.

I don’t hate myself, but in this period, I don’t like myself enough to stay clean or even alive for my own sake.


This sounds like me when I don’t have working depression meds. Nothing fills the hungry void where my emotions are supposed to be. Coping skills stop working. Any sensation becomes wanted even if the sensation is pain.

You have triggered enough of my red flags that I would be going inpatient if I was you. If you can get to an emergency room by yourself and pay for the stay, nobody outside will know you were ever there. That’s one of the only fun things about inpatient psychiatric: you just walk out of your life for a week. People can guess where you are, but you need to care for yourself before other people, clean your inward vessel, before you can help others. It is not lawful to run faster than you have strength.

I have a safety plan written when I am sane because when people get to the point of self harm and suicide, we are not rational. We call it insanity for a reason. When enough red flags fly I revert to what is outlined in that safety plan: crisis footing, solid contacts to talk to, when to go to the emergency room and declare that I am a danger to myself. The best time to write a safety plan is when you don’t need one, but if you can write this then you can probably write something as simple as a safety plan. I recommend that you do it while at the hospital. There is a long wait in the emergency room after they admit you but before they move you into the psych ward. Bring paper, a pencil, and a good book. You will lose any strings and shoelaces you bring.

If potential drug use is in the picture, hospital, hospital, hospital. It is easier to clean up a hospital stay than drug use, especially when you are depressed. When you are depressed, addictions turn into suicides incredibly fast.

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I know this pain. As I too have been hiding just how bad I’ve been struggling. More because it feels like there’s no place for it. Or time. I know the feeling of having people that love you and care about you but nobody being at arms reach when you need them. Even when it’s not their fault. Just unevenly synced schedules and availability. I also know the feeling of thinking there is a community of people here that cares, but still feeling alone.

I don’t have a list of people that I can message. Most of the time I feel like I’m better served as a support for everyone else, but I have two people I’m very close to irl that always respond and offer support even if they can’t right away.

I know I haven’t always been able to be there for you in the very moment of you falling. I know I haven’t been able to always respond right away. Our time differences have played the biggest role in that. And the other, is that like you, I’ve been hurting and have spent a lot of my days feeling alone so I sleep my days away till someone is home so I have someone to be with. So I don’t see the message till much later. And I’m very sorry.

I’ve been with you on the edge of that bridge. I’ve been standing there with you the whole time. Looking down and knowing its just one step away from peace. But, instead of taking the step forward and finding peace in a way that would hurt those around us, I’ve been trying to relate in the pain you feel with understanding and help us down and get our feet back on solid ground. I just don’t talk about it as much. But I’ve been here the whole time. Holding your hand. It’s why I tried so hard to talk to you everyday. Even if I didn’t have much energy to give. Because I know. And I thought we could help each other down.

I see you. I see your pain. Despite hurt that has been done, I still love you. I still care. I’m still proud of you for speaking up and reaching out. I still have faith in you. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be a better friend.

I too feel disconnected. I’ve retreated and probably will for a while. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care and don’t love you. I don’t like myself either. I carry guilt because like you, I have a big heart and hurting someone feels like the worst thing. It feels like failure.

I hope we both can find what we need to find our way out of the deep hurts that we carry. That we can step down from this bridge that we’ve been standing on the edge of. We deserve to be in better places.

I’ve taken a step back from the wall for a little bit, but I wanted to reach out to you so I could tell you I love you. Because I feel like you needed it.

I do care about you Kayla. More than you know. I’m really sorry if I haven’t done a better job of show casing that.

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I love you friend. Please stay strong. Here for you.


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Sorry to hear they’re still not helping you get treatment =\ What’s their excuse now?

For me too faith had an important role in keeping me around when things were harder. For a lot of it I didn’t have that intense feeling that it was helping me like it did when it first became important. Sometimes I just had to know God was still there. Sometimes the help just isn’t as visible, but it’s still there.

You are loved. A lot. And you can message me whenever/if you feel like.

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