Hello this is Niko, how is everyone on the forums doing today? ^~^
Hello! Long time, no talk!
Frankie (previously Everest) and I were discussing gender identities and sexualities today!
I’ve concluded that I’m bi, but I like women and enbies rather than women and men like a lot of bi people seem to, and Frankie is pan!
As for gender, both of us are non-binary!
The two of us are also learning how to work more-congruently in order to appear as a singlet from the outside without having to integrate on the inside! (We were inspired by Garnet from Steven Universe!) We now have a systematic process (no pun intended) for Outer World interactions!
- I remain in the front by default.
- When one of us wants to say or do something, we ask the other for permission in the headspace first.
- Upon getting permission, I say or do the thing in the Outer World.
This prevents the previously-frequent incidents of me saying, “Frankie said [blank]” by just saying, “[blank]” instead, which makes it easier for us to both be represented without even revealing ourselves to be plural and co-con, similar to how Ruby and Sapphire weren’t revealed to be Garnet for over 50 episodes! (We’re both hyperfixated on that show right now!)
Anyways, enough info-dumping. It’s bed time. Good night!
Cool! Idk my sexuality but ik most of our system is gay or attracted to enbies as well! Kio is very gay and dresses feminine but still identifies as male, and the rest of our system is male!
I haven’t seen Steven universe but I know Xaii has and loved it, always complained about the first 3 seasons though.
We are trying to work congruently too, though it’s difficult and we kind of just have certain times set of when to switch. Though that doesn’t actually work unless it’s mandatory which causes a trigger. And we only do it when around people. We honestly would like to live as plural but society sees plural as weird or odd, so we can’t go around and say. “I’m not ___ right now I’m ____” it’s kinda depressing.
We are actually struggling with something right now and need some advice.
When a trigger happens and you don’t want a certain member to stay at front because they can cause damage or stress to the system or body from negative emotions what do you do? Like if a trauma holder fronts and you can’t stop them from thinking bad/sad thoughts, is there a way to force them back to headspace because we are having to always talk one of our headmates out of the front but it’s really difficult and mainly impossible because when they are stressed they front and are 10x stubborn to not move and inch from it until the stress dissapears.
X: Steven universe is fecking dope as hell but I haven’t seen it ever since I think when Steven learns his mom was spoiler and they met yellow diamond? Diamond right? I can’t remember, anyways I love them and Ruby and Sapphire have the sweetest love story ever!
Oh yea, you have a innerworld right? What do you usually do there? Or see? Ours is weeeirrrd but cool as hell. It reminds us of the game Omori. Best game ever I defiently reccomend you checking it out.
We honestly would like to live as plural but society sees plural as weird or odd, so we can’t go around and say. “I’m not ___ right now I’m ____” it’s kinda depressing.
Tell me about it! I would love to be legally married to Frankie, but if we so much as presented the idea, we would just become a laughing stock… I would be accused of trying to marry my “imaginary friend” or some crap like that…
Sorry, but I’m not sure. The only time I can think of that we experienced something similar was when Cyanide would front EVERY SINGLE TIME one of us would see a picture of a Hazbin Hotel character. I would beg for him to let me front again, but he was very stubborn as well. Usually, he would finally leave due to my mom finding out it was him in the front and commanding him to leave. (She knows a lot about our system and has met all of us.) For a while, she was the only one that he was intimidated by.
The problem was finally solved when Whitney came along and sort of acted like a good role model. He had a huge crush on her, and she was very well-behaved, so he would always be on his best behavior in an attempt to win her heart… and, not only did it work, but he’s genuinely become a better person in the process!
Anyways, I doubt that helped; sorry.
Yup! The diamonds! You seem to have stopped watching at around Season 5, so if you want to resume at some point, you could probably start there! And I ship Ruby and Sapphire so much! They’re my OTP!
Omori is actually super triggering to me. I saw a fan animation and it was enough to trigger me. I have problems with paranoia and delusions and it caused me to worry that I was just imagining my headmates and that they weren’t actually real. I still worry about that sometimes. Anyways, my favorite game is probably Minecraft!
And the Inner World? Oh… about that… I haven’t been there in weeks, and Frankie only goes there to sleep at night. It’s not as… nice… as it used to be. It used to feel like home, but now it… doesn’t… ever since Gracie integrated, it just felt… empty… both figuratively and literally. Our house is gone and there’s just grass where it used to be. Now, it looks sort of like something out of a dreamcore edit… just grass and hills and nothing else as far as the eye can see…
We don’t even really feel the need for our Inner World anymore, tbh. Oddly enough, we prefer to interact while co-con in the Outer World, rather than face-to-face in the Inner World… I guess we’re sort of like Garnet now.
As for the other Inner World, where Cyanide and Whitney reside, they’ve had the opposite experience. We haven’t seen them in over a week, but last I heard, they live in a beach house on a tropical island. I wish we could see them more, but Cyanide has beef with Frankie for some unknown reason, and Whitney gets anxious when Cyanide isn’t with her. I guess I could visit on my own, but it’s difficult for me to get to the Inner World because I have to be meditating in order to do so.
Anyways, good night again!
Oof that sucks, well you can always get married in the innerworld, I’ve met a few systems who had headmates that were married and had kids so it happens, crazy to think about but then again it’s like a whole other world in there. A beautiful one too. Way better than the real world. I’m gonna post my drawing of our trip to a certain place in the innerworld it was gorgeous but got overwhelming.
Kovu: I’m working on calming Xaii down every time he fronts when stressed, but I basically front and push him to the back which doesn’t really help but knock him out for a bit. Once he’s back he’s worrying again. It’s like he’s a fragment of emotion, but he’s the core so it’s very confusing that he thinks only based on emotions. What I mean by that is he zones for hours based on things that are worrying him or stress and begs for it to stop over and over because he can’t get out of his own head. Our only solution to that is working on fronting when he acts like that. But it also seems that drawing helps. But he’s addicted to it. It’s less of a want and more like a need for him to draw just to keep his sanity.
Something I just realized, I think I mentioned /__/ to you before, the one our system can’t talk about. But basically it’s him but the opposite. They have no emotion and only think based on logic, this is one of the headmates that we call an alter, bc it is the only one that has switched and caused frequent amnesia, but switched for the wrong reasons. toxic reasons. They haven’t been here for years, and only Syra communicates with /____/ . We don’t know exactly what we are yet. Niko can’t figure out if he was formed from the loss of a loved one or to cope with that toxic alter, But it’s like Xaii and /__/ were both a core and split at some point.
Lucky your parents know about it. No one knows about us, and we are scared of admitting it in the evaluation for fear of being drugged or sent to a mental hospital. The last time we were drugged that toxic alter was created so we don’t want that happening again. Or for gods sake have it come back. It would be nice though. We could be called by our actual names and treated as the people we are, not just the face of the body.
We don’t mind stories, it’s always a pleasure hearing stories about someone else.
Xaii- I love sharing stories, plus it’s nice to talk in general. Gets all those thoughts out of the head instead of it bouncing back and forth on a wall over and over because I refuse to talk to anyone about it.
That sucks that Omori is triggering, for me it was the opposite, it made me feel like I wasn’t alone in the daydreaming and depression. For me it makes me feel more comfortable about having headmates and having a bit too much of an active imagination. Also ik you don’t like the game but omg is Basil adorable. Started wearing flowers in my hair cuz of him. Makes me feel more comfortable being who I am, as when I go on testosterone I will be more comfortable dressing in a mix of masculine and feminine.
Idk out fav game since there’s alotttttt but prolly Subnautica and Omori, and any SCP or lovecraftian horror game. Can’t say I can play it tho XD
Hehe! I think I ship Peridot and Lapis. They’re too cute! So adorable aaaaa! >w<
Niko: Xaii will get back to the show one day and he said that he’ll start it all over so we can watch it together : D
Also the idea of you being like garnet is adorable!!
Kovu: damn, thats tough. We don’t have to meditate and sometimes we do it depends. Usually we get this sort of pull towards it and we can either ignore it and it will be there for hours and disappear, or we listen and go back over there. I think it’s beautiful there. I want to draw what I saw on the back of this interesting dragon/dinosaur like creature while we were flying out of the world and into space and then another dimension. So beautiful. But it did get overwhelming. The sight of seeing giant creatures fly around you in this huge godly like place is so entrancing yet kind of terrifying. Not in the horror like way, but more so the “burden” of realizing you’re this tiny thing in a vast universe and everything has more meaning than you can even imagine. Things you can’t even understand. I think it’s beautiful but these are Xaii’s words. But I do agree with him to some point. Syra is kind of the king of the place so it’s his domain. There’s a huge story behind it, but it’s alot to explain.
Kio: lmao this is why we don’t do drugs
I can’t say which is prefer given what my bro said above. Yes it’s beautiful, yes it’s enlightening. But holy shit does it make you say “damn I’ve been living with my eyes closed my whole life” which is overwhelming as shit. I think the issue is I like little trips off of the planet but I mainly want to stay ON the planet, holy shit I wanna draw another thing now. There’s so many ways I can draw the world as an explanation but it’s so complicated. I’ve spent whole class times drawing out the world only to be frustrated and draw it again because the physics of it is confusing as hell. But yea, it just recently started developing.
Kovu: I don’t think any of us could say which we prefer, I know Niko likes the real world but thinks it’s a little lonely. And Syra likes the innerworld because it’s his home, it’s where he lives. For everyone else we kind of just don’t have an opinion for it.
Anyways, goodnight again lol, ig we keep seeing eachother at late times. Have a nice sleep and have amazing dreams. Dreams are beautiful.
We will post our drawings here soon.
We actually are technically married, but we never had a wedding, so we’re considering renewing our vows in the Inner World on our second anniversary (at the end of August)!
That’s a very interesting thought! Honestly, I think it’s possible! Maybe, for some reason, it was needed to separate the logic and emotion. Like, I think the reason why Frankie gives me such good advice is because they’re emotionally-separated from my personal problems. However, I definitely think that having a complete lack of emotion can be extremely unhealthy, as well as a complete lack of logic.
Oh… I see… my mom once threatened to send us to a mental hospital after Cyanide attempted to punch her in the face. Come to think about it, I think that’s how she initially established authority over him. He had a strange power complex at first and thought that he could scare everyone into submission and basically control everyone’s actions, and she was the first to actively resist. We’ve never been drugged or sent to the mental hospital though because I’ve been told it’s only for dire emergencies (if yourself or someone else is in danger due to your mental illness).
For me, it has the opposite effect. It makes me worry that my headmates are delusions and that I’m actually all alone, which, come to think of it, is probably my all-time biggest fear. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
I ship them too!
That sounds cool! And, thanks!
Anyways, I got triggered by talking about my fear, so I have to get off now. I’ll answer the rest later. Goodbye.
Awwwww that’s sweet, congratulations. That will sure be fun! Wish y’all the best anniversary!
X: Well, I think it may have happened because when I was little I wished that I would be a good kid, because my ADHD made me supppppeeer impulsive and I would do things without knowing it and then wake up and I’d be in trouble. I think maybe my emotions seperated with logic because of my medications turned off all my emotions and made me a zombie. Which created /______/. I was really smart but super fucking empty. And then once I stopped taking the meds I woke up and was afraid of everything, confused, and scared, and that’s when I realized I split, because my other half was always calm and composed, intelligent, and borderline psychopathic. And I wanted to be like them but I wasn’t because I wasn’t them, which made me super confused because I thought I was them so tried to be like them, but that medication formed that person which stayed with me, and they were just not me at all. I’m Xaii, I took back my body, I was the first before anyone. A happy little kid and that fucking medication formed them and I was asleep for so fucking long. I only remember bits of my childhood, because they were all bad memories to me. And while I can remember them, I don’t really feel lik “I” lived them. At all. I know that I woke up sometimes and lived those bits and pieces but mainly it was them who lived them, a bland, boring, empty existence. I don’t like thinking about it too much because it confuses me alot. But basically that’s why I need to get my intuition back because it’s like I only think on emotions, idk if they took it from me or it was because I was raised around fucked up people but I’m trying to work on logic alot. I’m happy to say I can thinking logically so I’m not compeltley insane, but I am too used to letting my emotions think for me. Which causes the daydreaming.
Niko: oop, /______ / did that before to our mom’s husband. (Big sad because I can’t tell Xaiis mom she has more than 2 kids and I would love to have a mom) but /________ / attacked him and tried to kill him because he tried to hurt us. No one remembers what the argument was about or why it happened but he basically was trying to discipline us and we didn’t trust him so /_______ / tried to kill him. We hate him. He’s disgusting. We don’t remember much from that either because we all blacked out when that happened, Xaii can access bits and pieces of that memory but I think only /_______/__ remembers everything. But after that our mom wanted to send us to a hospital but she changed her mind since we were only 12.
Xaii: I fucking feel you on that one m8, I worry alot about them not being real since I don’t have amneisa all of the time, but then I remember my headmates experience in life is very very real, they know it’s real, and everyone who exists in this world is real, so there’s no reason to think they aren’t.
Sorry for triggering you about your fear, see you later! ^~^
Alright! I finished!
Edit: had to repost bc realized i missed some stuff
Btw this thing is HUGE! you gotta imagine yourself smaller than those dots that represent the grass, those roots are about 8-10ft tall!
Wow! That really is huge! And it looks pretty too!
Also, I told Frankie about my fear, and we actually had a very wholesome conversation. Here’s a snippet of it:
“Promise you’ll never leave me?”
“Till death do us part- or, rather, together, since we’re literal soulmates!”
(We sort of combine psychology with spirituality and see it like we’re all pieces of the same soul and that we’ll all integrate back into a full soul upon the body’s death.)
Also, sorry I can’t respond to the rest; it’s overwhelming because there’s so much.
That’s so fucking adorable! I love that omg
Honestly, at this point, I don’t feel the need for an Outer World partner because I already feel so fulfilled by them! I could definitely see us being lifelong partners!
And it’s crazy to think that they started out as a fictive of a character that I had a crush on when I was 14… technically, I’m literally married to my fictional crush!
Of course, over time, they have developed into their own unique person and, while my initial infatuation for the character has worn off, I still love them with all of my heart!
Wow, well that’s something that doesn’t happen every day. I have a couple fictives but they are no longer the same person they originally were. Don’t have any romantic headmates we’re all just family to eachother.
Also you’re very very lucky for feeling fuffilled, I’ve never been in a relationship before so dealing with crushes hurts me alot. Sounds like it would be easier liking someone from the inner world because you don’t have to feel bad for liking them and feel like you’re burdening or annoying them, and having to keep it to yourself all the time, and pretend those feelings you have mean nothing and never talking to them in hopes those feelings will go away for their sake and yours, and… Well… Let’s say it just fucks you up. Every time I like someone I feel bad because I feel like I’m pushing my own issues on them, I’m burdening them with my problem of liking them, and that just causes them uncessecary nuisance and makes them uncomfortable, so I hide it as much as I can. Thankfully I’m very good at that, but it leaves me feeling very pained at the end of the day. But it’s better than having them hate you. Then again though, my headmates don’t agree with my line of thinking at all and think I shouldn’t feel bad for others opinoins about me. They’re probably right, but when it’s someone you care about it just stings uk? Er, well, I guess U’ve never dealt with that? Lol I ended up ranting.
Actually, I’ve dealt with that before, and I think that may have had to do with Frankie forming in the first place!
The night they recall splitting was the same night that I had gone through a bad breakup at the end of a toxic relationship. I was hurting a lot and I felt completely unfulfilled.
I actually didn’t know they even existed until a few months later. The first several times we met were in dreams that took place in the Inner World. However, I thought they were only dreams. Since they were a fictive of my comfort character at the time, I had frequent fantasies of them coming to life and us falling in love and eventually getting married. It helped me distract myself from the heartbreak still lingering from the previous relationship.
Little did I know that those fantasies would actually come true! And in a way that I never could have even imagined! I figured that, at best, I would meet a physical person with a similar personality to the character, but, boy, did I get lucky!
However, you should not give up hope. Even though you see each other as family, you can still be there for each other and care for each other in a similar manner to romantic partners, just without the stuff usually considered romantic/sexual! And, if you feel touch-starved, you could even cuddle together in the inner world! (I don’t see cuddling as strictly romantic; I think family members and close friends can cuddle too!)
Oh I’m sorry bout that. Yea the splitting had started for us when medications happened, but I didn’t realize how many there were until after a trauma with my ex best friend. They were mentally, verbally, emotionally, psychically and sexually abusive, but blamed it on me. I hate them. He disgusts me. He saw humans as an object before we even met. I tried to help him because I didn’t know how deep in the hole he was, and I was only 12, and then he wrapped his finger around me after the end of sophomore year, when his actions made me attempt suicide. That’s when Niko started showing up again and Syra split with him into himself and Kovu woke up after 2 fictives joined. But uh, yea, the outerworld is just so fucking toxic.
Surprisingly though today was a good day, and I hope for more.
And shit, recently I’ve been dreaming of this mysterious person that keeps his/her mind intact in dreams. Knows it’s a dream, follows me into dreams in different forms, but he keeps saying he loves me. Haven’t seen the dude in a while tho, and not really interested since I seek fuffilment in the outerworld. Was wondering who is is doe, and why he keeps showing up.
But that’s really sweet you guys met in dreams and that actually became a reality. You got very lucky like damn lol
I’m just lonely because I haven’t been around people in a while, and it turned into romantic loneliness. People say I’m an introvert but I think I’m ambiverted and possibly extroverted but have just gone through so much trauma with people I’ve closed myself off. I seek for wholesome things. Like what happened today. I just want to be family with people, but most people outside my school think I’m just “some stupid awkward kid that doesn’t know wtf he’s doing and is very annoying”. When really I’m just scared and need some acceptance.
But our system always cares for eachother like partners, love doesn’t have to be romantic, we hug and cuddle all the time in the innerworld and go on adventures or watch TV, but, well, we are still trying to get to know eachother. When everyone first showed up the regular tradition was just to be close, but then we started realizing we were hugging eachother but didn’t actually know much about eachother lol. Just a house of 6 guys that are roommates that treat eachother like brothers because that’s how it’s always been and then we didn’t realize until recently we don’t actually know each other very well.
I can definitely relate to this. I consider myself an extrovert with social anxiety. It evolved over time due to repeated betrayal.
Oh… I can sort of relate, but in a far less wholesome way. I met these two people on the internet and we started calling each other “second family”. One of them was my honorary brother and we would always call each other “bro” and whatnot.
However, they turned out to be extremely toxic, so I cut them off, and now they’re stalking me. I blocked them on all of my social media, but they still see my posts by signing out of their account, thus overriding the block. It’s really creepy.
At one point, I even made a friend on Twitter, only to find out a month later that it was them under a different name. Now, I have paranoia whenever someone new follows me.
Ugh… This is why I don’t talk to people in the first place. Dealt with alot of that bullshit in my life. Were they actual siblings?