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Hmm. This is a tough one for me. I struggle daily with depression and anxiety. I’ve been to the point of suicide. @jesse_d_leach one night at Ralph’s diner I gave u a piggy back ride in the pit and don’t remember it. Got hurt at work 7 years ago now on disability due to numerous surgeries and having been diagnosed with CRPS nick named the suicide disease. Life after my injury has been a hot mess. I’ve failed as a husband and a father. Your music has definitely given me some strength to carry on. But some days are better than others.
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@apatsfan75 I know I may not understand the hurt you are directly going through, but I do hope that you feel loved and supported. Being injured and having so many surgeries doesn’t speak to who you are as a person or to your worth. You matter immensely. Thank you for sharing with us
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@natetriesagain thank you so much for your kind words. I’m glad I found this group. It’s so hard to express these things sometimes. The phone feels like a thousand pounds when I feel like reaching out. I tend to bury things until i can’t pile anything else on and then I explode. Much love and respect
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@apatsfan75 Damn. There are some events we face in life that are like a line in the sand that when you cross it nothing is ever the same. Seems like that injury has been one of those moments where it has just felt impossible to bounce back from. To the same vibrance and resilience and joy that you had before it. Which fucking sucks - as if the injury itself wasn’t bad enough, to have all of the baggage that comes with it feels unfair. It’s hard to feel like every day is a battle just to stay upright, just to keep breathing, keep going. It is hard when you feel like so much of the goodness of your life is in the past, and when you think back, you see more skeletons than roses. It’s hard to feel like you’ve let down the people you love. When you feel like a disappointment, the thought of suicide is so much easier because it’s like - well fuck it, I’ve already let them down. It’s harder to use others as a motivation to keep going when it feels like you’ve broken everything and everyone you love. What you’re facing is crazy hard man. To come to terms with the fact that you are imperfect and there are pieces of your life and your story that you might not be able to mend. ACCEPTANCE is a bitch when the things you are faced with accepting are things you never imagined ever having to own. But that dissonance is worst part. Trying to constantly live this dual life - of having your past constantly haunt you because you are trying to split yourself to live in this kind of present day separateness from those decisions. There are times where you wish you could un-become the man you have become. Try again. Start over. Get a mulligan, or have the dealer send you a new hand. But these thoughts and hopes are false. They leave us bereft because we are lost between the past and the present, wishing for something that isn’t. You have so much courage and strength to be facing what you are facing and to still be standing. I’m thankful to have this window into your life. Thank you for sharing.
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