Staff Edit from @NateTriesAgain:
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I’m not really sure why I’m doing this right now when I’m pretty sure I just gave up. I think this is just a whim. My last one.
There is one side of me that I ignored for a long time. Maybe it’s because I’m a boy and was ashamed to admit, but one of the two main goals of my life was to fall in love with someone and be loved in return. Without noticing, I supported myself on this idea for as long as I remember, even when I was sick and almost died. Back then I prayed and begged for my life, thinking that the future would be bright if I managed to live on. And, looking back at it now, that was possibly one of my biggest mistakes.
I got trough that. I thought that I was blessed. I had high hopes that I could be happy. All the while leaving what I really wanted at the back of my mind, believing that it would just happen naturally someday. Then, I was forced to face the hard reality of rejection, which I had never considered before. Many, many times. It hurt, but I had my family and friends with me, and I always had something else to take my mind away from the pain and keep me busy. But the thing is, I unconsciously started to nurture something inside of me that I shouldn’t.
If it wasn’t to be this time, it means when it happens, it will be even better, right? That girl didn’t deserve me if she liked someone else, right? That girl wasn’t worth it if she she had been with someone else before, right? I used these excuses to try and get over it, but at some point, the feelings I had distorted - probably because of this. And then there was I, at the age of 18, expecting to have my first relationship with someone that had never done it either. At that point I started to get worried, and things only went downhill since then. Or rather, I only then noticed how screwed I was inside.
Just think about the possibility of the girls around me already having the magic of finding love for the first time taken away by someone else killed any interest I could possibly had. When I notice this, I pretty much gave up and focused on all other things in my life - which were all crumbling as well. My grades on college were getting terrible, I didn’t fit my job at all, and I barely had any time for the fun things I used to do to forget about all this.
And then came the last nail to my coffin. I started to notice someone who I should never ever consider to get interested in for being too young, but was the only that “met my criteria”. When those feelings begun to take over me, I prayed, prayed so hard to be able to fight it. I knew that wouldn’t end well. But then she approached me and I ended up giving in.
We never went far with this. I knew we couldn’t. But she was the only one to ever accept me. I never felt so happy in my life - and scared at the same time. I didn’t want to make a mistake and hurt her. I couldn’t get the feeling that she had no idea of what she was getting into and would regret it later, but when we were even making so many plans for the future together, I started to believe that maybe this was it.
It didn’t last though. Just as suddenly we started to getting close to each other, she simply started to move away just two years later. And in my desperate attempts to revert things to what they used to be, all I managed to save was our friendship. In the end, I became the friend she trusts the most, so she would talk to me about everything. For example, the guy she started to like. And as a good friend would do, I had to support her and help her out. Result: she just told me they were pretty much going out.
So that’s what I get for loving someone so much. It’s always like this. I tried everything, even going against this rule I made, but there’s no point in doing that when I feel absolutely nothing. And making excuses doesn’t work anymore. My friends and family doesn’t work anymore. hobbies doesn’t work anymore. Nothing works anymore. This despair doesn’t goes away. It’s been like this for a while now, but ow it’s just unbearable. I’m living in hell. This is on my head 24/7. I feel so broken that even if someone perfect magically appeared for me right now, I wouldn’t be able to be happy. That feeling of excitement, discovery… all that I crave for so much… those feelings are dead inside me.
I’ve even tried counseling for six months now and it’s been useless. Got the job of my dreams, and it feels empty. So what is the point of keep living like this? It doesn’t even matter if I live for one hour or a thousand years if the one thing I want became impossible, and I don’t want to keep dealing with this pain. Yes, I’m seriously thinking about putting an end to all of this.
I used to think about stuff like “But what about everyone I’ll leave behind?” But now I honestly don’t give a damn anymore. I won’t be here, so why should I care? It may sound selfish, but I think it would be selfish of them to ask me to keep enduring all of this for their sake. They all have something to support them, and some even found the kind of love I searched for during my whole life. They have no right to judge me for ending my suffering now.
And I’m not afraid of going to hell either. I’ll be just exchanging this one for another. If that ever happens. I mean, if the God I prayed for kept me alive this far, just so I could be tortured like this, then I don’t want his heaven. Nor I want to keep myself here to follow his said “plan for us all”, screw all that. I just want to disappear into nothingness.
I have a bunch of pills sitting right besides me right now. I’m trying to think of one, only one good reason to not swallowing them all in one go and make this night my last one. That had been my routine for a week now. I’ll seriously make it happen pretty soon.
Please do whatever you need to in order to keep going because you are worth it