Honestly, I think I'm done with this life

Staff Edit from @NateTriesAgain:

50%20AM

You’re not crazy if you feel like you’re done with this life. If you landed here from Google, I want you to know you’re not alone. You can find our best content on suicidal thoughts here:

—> HELP WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS <—

Hold fast. We believe in you.

I’m not really sure why I’m doing this right now when I’m pretty sure I just gave up. I think this is just a whim. My last one.

There is one side of me that I ignored for a long time. Maybe it’s because I’m a boy and was ashamed to admit, but one of the two main goals of my life was to fall in love with someone and be loved in return. Without noticing, I supported myself on this idea for as long as I remember, even when I was sick and almost died. Back then I prayed and begged for my life, thinking that the future would be bright if I managed to live on. And, looking back at it now, that was possibly one of my biggest mistakes.

I got trough that. I thought that I was blessed. I had high hopes that I could be happy. All the while leaving what I really wanted at the back of my mind, believing that it would just happen naturally someday. Then, I was forced to face the hard reality of rejection, which I had never considered before. Many, many times. It hurt, but I had my family and friends with me, and I always had something else to take my mind away from the pain and keep me busy. But the thing is, I unconsciously started to nurture something inside of me that I shouldn’t.

If it wasn’t to be this time, it means when it happens, it will be even better, right? That girl didn’t deserve me if she liked someone else, right? That girl wasn’t worth it if she she had been with someone else before, right? I used these excuses to try and get over it, but at some point, the feelings I had distorted - probably because of this. And then there was I, at the age of 18, expecting to have my first relationship with someone that had never done it either. At that point I started to get worried, and things only went downhill since then. Or rather, I only then noticed how screwed I was inside.

Just think about the possibility of the girls around me already having the magic of finding love for the first time taken away by someone else killed any interest I could possibly had. When I notice this, I pretty much gave up and focused on all other things in my life - which were all crumbling as well. My grades on college were getting terrible, I didn’t fit my job at all, and I barely had any time for the fun things I used to do to forget about all this.

And then came the last nail to my coffin. I started to notice someone who I should never ever consider to get interested in for being too young, but was the only that “met my criteria”. When those feelings begun to take over me, I prayed, prayed so hard to be able to fight it. I knew that wouldn’t end well. But then she approached me and I ended up giving in.

We never went far with this. I knew we couldn’t. But she was the only one to ever accept me. I never felt so happy in my life - and scared at the same time. I didn’t want to make a mistake and hurt her. I couldn’t get the feeling that she had no idea of what she was getting into and would regret it later, but when we were even making so many plans for the future together, I started to believe that maybe this was it.

It didn’t last though. Just as suddenly we started to getting close to each other, she simply started to move away just two years later. And in my desperate attempts to revert things to what they used to be, all I managed to save was our friendship. In the end, I became the friend she trusts the most, so she would talk to me about everything. For example, the guy she started to like. And as a good friend would do, I had to support her and help her out. Result: she just told me they were pretty much going out.

So that’s what I get for loving someone so much. It’s always like this. I tried everything, even going against this rule I made, but there’s no point in doing that when I feel absolutely nothing. And making excuses doesn’t work anymore. My friends and family doesn’t work anymore. hobbies doesn’t work anymore. Nothing works anymore. This despair doesn’t goes away. It’s been like this for a while now, but ow it’s just unbearable. I’m living in hell. This is on my head 24/7. I feel so broken that even if someone perfect magically appeared for me right now, I wouldn’t be able to be happy. That feeling of excitement, discovery… all that I crave for so much… those feelings are dead inside me.

I’ve even tried counseling for six months now and it’s been useless. Got the job of my dreams, and it feels empty. So what is the point of keep living like this? It doesn’t even matter if I live for one hour or a thousand years if the one thing I want became impossible, and I don’t want to keep dealing with this pain. Yes, I’m seriously thinking about putting an end to all of this.

I used to think about stuff like “But what about everyone I’ll leave behind?” But now I honestly don’t give a damn anymore. I won’t be here, so why should I care? It may sound selfish, but I think it would be selfish of them to ask me to keep enduring all of this for their sake. They all have something to support them, and some even found the kind of love I searched for during my whole life. They have no right to judge me for ending my suffering now.

And I’m not afraid of going to hell either. I’ll be just exchanging this one for another. If that ever happens. I mean, if the God I prayed for kept me alive this far, just so I could be tortured like this, then I don’t want his heaven. Nor I want to keep myself here to follow his said “plan for us all”, screw all that. I just want to disappear into nothingness.

I have a bunch of pills sitting right besides me right now. I’m trying to think of one, only one good reason to not swallowing them all in one go and make this night my last one. That had been my routine for a week now. I’ll seriously make it happen pretty soon.

2 Likes

Hey there,

I can tell you are really hurting right now and I am sorry you have been in such a dark season of life. I understand the pain of wanting something so bad in life only to not obtain it. However, I personally think that God puts things on our hearts for a reason. For you, that is falling in love and being loved in return by that person. I obviously don’t know what God has in store for you, but I feel as though because He knows our hearts inside and out, He knows what we strive for. That being said, it doesn’t always mean it happens in our timing. When it comes to relationships and finding the love you mentioned that you want, I feel as though it takes time because God is preparing not only you but the person you want to spend your life with as well. I know waiting is beyond frustrating when you know that is something that you want, but it doesn’t mean that it absolutely cannot happen. And that is the thing with suicide, ending your life will absolutely prevent you from the possibility of things to come.This season won’t last forever. I know this life can be full of pain, heartache and disappointment and when everything feels empty it’s hard not to want to just give up. However, I can tell you are a passionate person and I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. This community loves you and believes in you. I know you can keep fighting and make it through this dark season. We love you, friend.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes

Thank you for sharing your feelings and heartache here. I know that can be tough. Please stay with us, this world is truly better with you in it. Just based off this single post I know that you are a special and loving human. And you matter!! I know just how dark and overwhelming that thoughts like that can be and I’m sorry that you are experiencing that darkness and emptiness. Stay strong one day at a time.
Please stay with us. Please reach out to people in your life, the suicide hotline, or your therapist. We believe in you and we care about you :heart: Please do whatever you need to in order to keep going because you are worth it

You have to understand that being in a relationship won’t help you be a better person

That’s only done by yourself, and the same goes with the other person(your partner)

And above all being in a relationship won’t make your life easier believe me lol

You have to understand that you have to first develop skills to love yourself first or else how can you live another. And when you get to that stage you won’t even care anymore

Always think of yourself first, don’t rely on others to offer you happiness.

I care for you so much man. Like you, I am a guy who has been suicidal and also has never had a girlfriend, despite deeply desiring to be in a relationship. It hurts sometimes. I remember the first time I was suicidal it was more tied to guilt than romantic struggles, but I wanted to die. I believed in God still, but in a way I created my own God because I told myself that he loved everyone else and hated me infinitely more. I asked him to take my life so I wouldn’t have to. But then I told my dad (one of the hardest things in my life) and he prayed for me. It instantly left. Next day, next week, next month - I just wasn’t suicidal anymore. It wasn’t even there to go back to.

But then several months later I let myself slip back in. I really liked a certain girl and I made things super awkward and I had a lot of regret, and she definitely did not return my feelings. I started asking myself things like, “If I died would she even care?” I started dwelling on those thoughts more and more, and eventually I wanted to die, just like I had before. But even then God rescued me again. And do you know what happened after that? A couple months later I started liking another girl, and the same guy who tried to be my wingman (who was already in a relationship) decided to go for that girl. I felt betrayed, and once again I fell back into suicidal thoughts.

But God rescued me again.

I had to confess those thoughts to others, which is exactly what you just did. That took courage and bravery dude! Freedom came from that. I know deep down that you don’t really want to commit suicide - you’ve been considering it, but you wouldn’t have posted that if you didn’t want freedom. I know you want to be free, which is why you wrote that. I can sense that from your words. And God has heard you man. He’s your Dad and loves you as his Son.

Also, God is not the one who causes torment. Satan is the one who does that (John 10:10), and all the agony and heartbreak has come from him. But I’m super excited for you because Jesus is even stronger than that and he lives inside of you! Your story may be dark now but it’s going to be so powerful and touch so many people’s lives, and other people are going to live rather than commit suicide when they hear what you say and how God saved you.

I know the pain that comes from unfulfilled longings for a relationship. I have liked some great girls out there, but every time I’ve tried to make something work, nothing happens. To this day I’ve pretty much never liked a girl and have her return feelings. I would love to be in a relationship and love her well and watch her receive that love and then return it. I want to be a good boyfriend, and then a good husband, and then a good father to our children. But I have not seen that yet. And that has been hard at times, but then I remember that it’s alright, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

Every desire that a human has is ultimately for everything God is, since he’s put eternity into our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11). You want pizza? That’s you desiring the pleasure and satisfaction that come directly from him. And that applies even more to relationships. God is love (1 John 4:8), and he has put in us a desire to be loved and to love.

You want God more than anything else, which is why that longing is so strong. Just don’t look in the wrong place man. He asked me one day about how satisfied I would be without a relationship, and I realized that I would not be satisfied. So I asked God to show me how much he is worth, and he’s been doing that ever since. Honestly, as much as I would be honored and joyed to enter a relationship, I find that I no longer need one. I have Jesus, and He’s enough for me. I’m not saying that to say how much I’ve “figured out life” but that he actually satisfies every need I have. I’ll admit it’s a bit different since it’s not really a romantic relationship with Jesus since we’re dudes, but I’ve found that the closer I’ve gotten to him, the less I feel that I need a romantic relationship with a girl. It’s like when I eat a completely filling and nutritious meal with everything I need, I’m not craving all sorts of other things. But we can still enjoy them. When we truly have Jesus as our anchor for our soul, we’re able to enjoy his good gifts (like romantic relationships) without needing or relying on them. I’ve found that when I feel like I need something, I can’t even enjoy it that much because it’s barely keeping me alive. But when I’m satisfied with what I need, then I can actually enjoy the extra things.

But yeah, Jesus seriously loves you so much man! He thinks that you are worth dying for. He already did it, and he doesn’t regret it. He got himself killed so we wouldn’t have to kill ourselves. And I’ve seen the Light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not false hope. It’s even better than what I could have ever imagined.

One of my favorite things is getting to share my story with others and hear them say that they don’t want to die anymore after hearing it. I don’t even want to go back and change my past because God rewrote it and it just makes his love more clear and has helped so many other people, maybe even more than I could have helped if I had never gone through that.

You’re 100% worth it, and you’re such an awesome dude. I’ll die for you too. Even if you weren’t awesome, I’d still die for you. And Jesus already did. His love is completely unconditional.

1 Like

And I rarely drop my phone number online, but if you need someone to reach out to, it’s 661-600-3845. It’s not a burden to me because like I said, I care about you a lot man

Hey there. I feel your struggle friend. I am in such a similar situation as you have described, so you are not alone. I wish I could take that pain away from you, cause I know the pain of a heavy heart. There are two things that have helped me time and time again, but have also taken years to actual understand and apply to my life.

  1. If you are not happy with yourself, how will you be happy with someone else? The truth here is In order for you to find love and to be loved, you have to first love yourself. You have to know your heart, and your mind. You need to understand the connection between those two, and then the world around you. Take the time to really find happiness in life, and find what makes you happy. Love comes to those who love what they are around.

  2. Be close to the people you DO have. Friends, family, neighbors, professional help, whoever it is. Find people who you trust, and involve them in what you are dealing with. Express to them these thoughts and emotions that you’re having and let them help you. Don’t isolate yourself in times like these, and don’t let past experiences harden your heart.

Stay strong. Life is about the journey. We cannot appreciate the great times without first dealing with the hard times. Your life is 100% worth living. Time heals all wounds, and just like clouds emotions will come and go. Continue to reach out. Don’t bottle your emotions up or they will boil over and consume you.

If you meditate, try meditating outside in a quiet area and re connect with the world around you.
Sending strong vi es and love your way, you are strong!

Hey! Are you still around and doing ok? I feel the same. I am hoping you are doing fine by now. This is a long process. I send you hugs :heart:

2 Likes