I clicked on this, didn’t expect this song to break me like it did. On three separate occasions, I was almost the light that went out. I related to the ending so much, especially because I can see this from the other point of view. My brother, uncle, and mother left behind if I had committed on either of those three occasions. The one I haven’t yet forgotten about is the first one on July 4th, while fireworks were going off. I had taken a select few medicines to my bed to down and hopefully end it all. Everyone else in the house, was none the wiser to what I was doing either. They would have just found me that way. What is so special about that first one, personally, is that I researched the side effects of each medicine if used in lethal quantities. I selected only the ones that were opposites of each other, or sounded seriously harmful. For example, one would accelerate heart rate, the other would reduce it.
Used to be a time, I believed there was never a reason to commit suicide. I had a job, plans for college, and an entire future ahead of me. One night I wake up, and my skin is my personal prison and torture device, that belief disappeared rapidly. It’s debilitating, and I can’t find assistance, the SSA not only refuses to acknowledge the issue, but tells me I can work. Dermatology is going no where, and my mental health is taking a nose dive, like a 2,000lb bomb. Five years later, I find somewhat of a solution through gabapentin. The damage has been done though, I isolate in my room, I stay in the cold wherever possible. I see no future, I have no future, my plans for what I wanted to do, seem like nothing more than pipe dreams now. I feel like an anchor on my family, like some kind of unforgivable burden. I burn fuel whenever I drive the car, I can’t replace it. I eat food whenever I’m hungry, I can’t replace it. Electricity, water, name it, and I feel terrible for not being able to contribute in some way. Forget about hygiene, what scarcity that had is now gone in every aspect. I’m frankly shocked my teeth are all 3-4mm in depth, 'cause it’s not like they get taken care of.
I didn’t think I’d ever write to HeartSupport, let alone write an entire essay about a slice of what transpired. The previous truly is only a peek at the entire story, what’s worse is I can only tap into those thoughts after I’ve been ‘broken’ so to speak. When I return to whatever the hell the ‘status quo’ is for my mood, or state of being, I cannot remember the important details, and discussing the emotions I’m dealing with is nigh impossible, as I cannot speak on any of them. I can’t recall most if any, all I’ve to offer are guesses of what might have transpired. I also believe I’m apathetic, but I’m not sure. Probably a sign, when the only things that evoke emotion strike a certain chord, and the ones that break me, are the home run of hitting that same, or even similar chord. Like the scene in Wolverine and Deadpool, where Deadpool realizes he matters to those he’s close to, that struck a chord and got two whole teardrops at the absolute best. This song on the other hand, the outro and explanations, had me a half inch from breaking down entirely by the end of it.
I entirely intended for that last paragraph to be the end of the essay, but I can’t seem to stop rambling. That’s another side effect of tapping into that specific chord so well, it’s like a drainage gate opens on a Dam. Okay, I’m done now, have been for a while actually. I stopped having faith in medicine, and mental health “help.” It seemed like very avenue, despite the few I took, was just wasted effort. I couldn’t seem to find help anywhere, and that too wore down on me on top of everything else. Good lord…I think I should just stop here. If you read this far, I appreciate your time in reading. If you’re looking to reach out or something, just know I already see myself as a lost cause. As if any step I might take, is one of futility Someone told me yesterday that all people are beautiful in their own way, and I told her that I couldn’t be convinced of that. It’s not because others aren’t, it’s just because I look in a mirror and I see a lot of things…beautiful is a far cry from any of 'em. Again, appreciate you reading the whole thing…if you did. If not, I don’t blame you, I’ve typed up the great wall of china at this point and still haven’t managed to stop.
P.S. Really related to the darkness thing, staring down and seeing tranquility. I’ve said it, once, might as well say it again…this song just struck a certain chord a little too well.
P.P.S. I wrote this as a comment on the video that I hyperlinked, two days ago. It is lengthy, and I apologize, this is what tends to happen in the moment. Won’t get the information otherwise, so I figured there is no better time to write than under that thread. I also read that it can seem like a tunnel, dark ofc, with no direction. My immediate thought was that the tunnel definitely had direction…just no end. Might be worth mentioning that someone I was talking to, granted at their job, had asked that I stop showing up to hangout. Seemed ‘people had said thing’ and they prefer to keep their job, understandably. They didn’t, personally, seem to take issue with my being there, but I’m not so sure if I would be able to read someone to save my life so 
The only reason I mention it, is because of what happened afterwards. The intense sadness, depressive feeling, much like where I had been months ago, with a surface level desire to hop off the golden gate. The moment passed, but I didn’t know her like that, and she has a BF, so I wasn’t trying to get with her either. I’m not sure why it had such an impact, but if that’s how I felt over someone I really hardly knew, what’s going to happen if I get my heart broken. “I’m cooked” is something I actually thought to myself.
P.P.P.S. Rather interesting title, I sat for a half second, thought on it, that’s what came to mind. I’m a pretty far cry from where I was, but it’s clear I’m far from the end too.