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Hopeless and giving up

i apologize for so many posts. i just feel awful.

TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts

these past few days have been awful, i’m just getting closer and closer to self harming with a knife. i’ve never been this close to doing it and it’s becoming addicting to hurt myself. i haven’t been this close to attempting suicide in 8 years.

my boyfriend told me to tell him whenever i feel like this and i did that tonight after he said he was tired and was going to bed. i feel so awful, i wasn’t trying to make him stay up by saying that, i just felt like i had to tell him. i feel so guilty about feeling so bad lately, i feel like i’m just making our relationship worse no matter how many times he tells me it’s okay.

i don’t want to do this anymore. i’m so tired of doing this, it’s exhausting. i’m just running in circles with no escape. there’s nothing left for me. i keep trying to find things to do but it all comes crashing down and i can’t do any of them. all i’m doing is sleeping most of the day and watching things to distract myself. i tried to do other things to help myself, but it either made me feel worse or didn’t help at all.

i’m so tired of running away from my intrusive thoughts, it’s so exhausting. i just want it to be done.

i’m so annoying on here and everywhere else. why do i keep running to places like this when i know how repetitive i am? i’m sorry to whoever sees this.

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Hey friend,

i apologize for so many posts. i just feel awful.

Absolutely no need to apologize. You’re good. :heart:

I’ve read your other post, and I’d like to ask you to stay away from anything that might hurt you. I hear you. And I know it hurts so much. I grew up in an abusive environment too and I had to left my family at a young age because of them. Well, more because of my mom especially. But I get it. It’s exhausting to feel this constant pressure on you wile you just want to move out. Until there is some change on this matter, you can always count on this community.

Are you on HS Discord server btw? This can be a way to be in touch with more people from this community. Here’s an invite link: https://discord.gg/c6SqeV

i don’t want to do this anymore. i’m so tired of doing this, it’s exhausting. i’m just running in circles with no escape. there’s nothing left for me. i keep trying to find things to do but it all comes crashing down and i can’t do any of them. all i’m doing is sleeping most of the day and watching things to distract myself. i tried to do other things to help myself, but it either made me feel worse or didn’t help at all.

You’re running out of energy. Which is normal, you’ve been doing so much to keep your head up. It’s okay to slow down a little, to do less and rest more. Your mind, your body, your heart certainly need it right now. Take it easy, friend. If these days just waking up is your greatest accomplishment, then it’s totally okay to celebrate that. Try to set some goals on a daily basis, but just small ones.

With covid and stuff, do you have the opportunity to go outside and embrace the sun (or the weather in general)? Getting some fresh air a little everyday, collecting small acts of self-care can be very precious these days. :heart:

my boyfriend told me to tell him whenever i feel like this and i did that tonight after he said he was tired and was going to bed. i feel so awful, i wasn’t trying to make him stay up by saying that, i just felt like i had to tell him. i feel so guilty about feeling so bad lately, i feel like i’m just making our relationship worse no matter how many times he tells me it’s okay.

I’m sorry to hear that. You have the right to reach out as much as needed. And it’s okay if your boyfriend is a little tired sometimes. It’s not always easy for our beloved ones to see us struggling. But it doesn’t mean that it should prevent someone to ask for help or just an ear to listen. It’s not your fault, friend. You didn’t ask for any of this. And I’m pretty sure that you’re boyfriend is grateful to you because you trust him with this.

i’m so annoying on here and everywhere else. why do i keep running to places like this when i know how repetitive i am? i’m sorry to whoever sees this.

You’re not annoying, I promise. What’s annoying is the situation, it’s the frustration that comes with the desire of doing more, of finding the right solution, of wanting to see you growing and being happy. But you are not annoying at all.

Keep hope in your heart, friend. Even just a very tiny ray of light is something. I remember some lyrics from a song of the Killers: “Don’t give up on me/ 'Cause I’m just in a rut / I’m climbing but the walls keep stacking up”. We won’t give up on you here. Holding your hand and rooting for you. Still. :heart:

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i really appreciate you following up with my posts and caring enough to respond, it really means a lot.

honestly i haven’t been going out because i don’t want to be seen by my family and going out is extremely loud and tends to cause more anxiety. it’s probably not helping that i don’t go out, but it’s exhausting for me to do.

Keep Your Head Up Don’t Give Up

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i’m trying to do that

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