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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Linkin Park - Friendly Fire
How do I apply that to my wife complaining about me not understanding anything about bills when I personally haven’t actually been an adult until I met her?
There is so much to learn once you’re out in your own, so much that the enclosed world of our family and school hasn’t and sometimes can’t teach us. When we are thrown into situations that we haven’t experienced we often learn by jumping in, and I know for some people that can be frustrating.
It sounds like your wife might have a bit of a concept to what is happening with the bills which is a good thing, so I hope you two can work through it together.
How we communicate and how we learn things vary differently and sometimes I think that we don’t allow ourselves the grace of communicating what will be effective for us out of fear.
It’s like someone setting a standard “this is how things are done” and every single person in the world is meant to be able to follow that example, but it’s okay to say “hey, I need you to sit down and explain this differently” or even “I need you to be patient with me, because I do want to learn and I am trying.”
That is for sure a frustrating situation to be in. Your wife has put expectations on you and is wanting from you to handle things that seem obvious or natural to her, but it’s hard when it feels like you are not there yet and you still have a lot to learn before getting to the same point as the person you’re sharing your life with. Starting to be independant and providing for your family and you is definitely something messy to learn and explore at first. It’s brutal to grow up in an environment where you would be safe and nurtured, then to be confronted to this reality of having to learn how to do the same for yourself and from scratch. If you haven’t got anyone in your entourage supporting you in learning and developing these types of experience, then I imagine that your wife’s expectations must feel particularly stressful. It’s the kind of thing that can make you feel like you’re not understood enough. You’re asked to move from point A to B while you are still on your way to learn how to get to point A in the first place.
In a general manner, it will certainly be essential for your wife and you to communicate openly and respectfully about your difference of perspective there. There is no shame in not knowing which steps to take, and your wife could maybe help you in this direction. After all, you are partnering together, and the hurdel you are facing is one that young couples have to figure out together, step by step. It’s okay to be honest about the way you feel, and it’s okay to recognize that your wife’s expectations would be legitimate too. Communication can go a long way in soothing this “friendly fire” that could be present between you, and replace love/care/safety at the core of your relationship. There’s no doubt that you both want the same thing, that you are in fact allies in front of the same obstacle - and there can be a lot of strength to share from acknowledging that!