I really just don’t know how to cope anymore. I feel this incredible pressure on my chest and I just want it to stop. I just want the universe to stop torturing me. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being unattractive and boring. I don’t know why the world is so cruel that way, so many beautiful and amazing people here and to just drop me in the middle of it? What’s the point? Why do I keep going anymore? My heart feels empty but there’s just this giant pressure on my chest and its slowly killing me. I don’t know how to get out of this. Maybe I’m not strong enough to get out of it. Maybe I don’t deserve to get out of it. Maybe this is what I was supposed to feel, I am supposed to be worthless so that others get what they deserve. I was meant to be unloved so that others can get the love I so desperately need. I was built to never love myself so that way I could build others up without knocking myself down because there was nothing to knock down in the first place. I am nothing. I am lonely. I don’t have any friends, I don’t have love in my life. I am simply just a failure in my eyes as well as the universe’s eyes. I feel like I am just a test subject for how long a person can be completely alone and feel utterly worthless before they can’t take it anymore. It’s a cruel experiment and I don’t know if I want to be apart of it anymore. This was all just to say that I wish someone would love me because I am not capable of loving myself. I never learned how. Sticky notes on walls doesn’t work for me. Its just a stupid piece of paper with lies on it. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I just want to know what love feels like. I just want one person in this world to be able to help me find that.
first off, you deserve love. there is plenty of love to go around for everyone. i’m a stranger, but i care about you and i wouldn’t want you to leave. i know i can’t offer the greatest advice, but i really do care.
a good way to get rid of feeling like i’m not attractive is to separate myself from myself. as in, look at pictures of yourself and sort of forget who you are and pick all the things that make you attractive. you wouldn’t be so hard on your appearance if someone else looked like you. you look at yourself everyday so of course you can tend to not realize that you are also attractive because you’ve seen yourself so many times.
i can understand feeling alone and like you don’t have friends. have you tried to join groups that have the same interests as you and interacting on there? you can make friends or even just have good conversations with a lot of people.
I know it’s different, and it may not be of an incredible comfort, but: we love you here. We care about you. You are part of this community made of very real people from different places in this world. You have friends right here and right now. You’re family. Always.
But again I understand that it’s not the same as the relationships you are expecting in your life right now. We all crave for companionship. We all need to feel loved and cared for in the eyes of someone. We all need at least a bit of social interactions.
Friend, I am so sorry you’re feeling lonely. There was a moment in my life, during my studies, when I felt incredibly alone too. I moved in a new city, I knew no one there, I was living on my own for the first time, I couldn’t rely on anyone. At some point I realized that I could spend days (weeks…) without saying anything to anyone. And I clearly remember how much I needed to just have a few seconds of social interactions during the day. So I could stop feeling invisible and out of this world. I had other things to face at the moment, but this loneliness made me question my worth, just like you do with yourself. Yet your current situation doesn’t determine your worth.
Regardless of your situation, you are always worthy of love. You have always so much to offer in this world. And so much to live. Having friends or not, being involved in a relationship or not doesn’t question you as a human being. It’s only a circumstance in your life that you want to change - and it can be changed. There is also a need for self-acceptance through what you just said. Because without it, you can still feel alone, even when you’re surrounded by friends or people you love. But you seem to be aware of that, as you mention sticky notes (I guess with affirmations on it?).
About making new friends/making new people, the idea of @limeytea is awesome. Finding something you’re interested in can be a good tool to find new communities or groups sharing the same passion. It can help to create new interactions, but also to just enjoy the time you could spend out there!
About self-acceptance, what about counseling/coaching? May sound a little scary at first, but when we’re lost and just don’t know where to start, seeking professional help can be very useful and effective. First, to learn to know yourself better, secondly to receive some guidance through your decisions, life choices, expectations, etc. Having a safe place where you can share your thoughts with someone who’ll interact with you and provide you interesting insights can be very powerful. Just because learning to accept yourself and be more confident can take some time and be discouraging. But you don’t have to do this alone.
You are not worthless, friend. I can assure you that. But the circumstances in your life right now are preventing you to see it and to feel it. We see it here. We see you. And you are not all the negative things that you may think about yourself. You are not meant to be stuck or alone either. You can learn to be a good company to yourself, step by step. For example, through little acts of self-care everyday. What do you like? What brings you some joy? What warms your heart? Allow yourself to focus on that, even just as a break everyday during your schedule. Allow yourself to have some “me” time when the only thing that’d matter in this world at the moment would be you and your well-being.
And you can also meet new people out there. You are strong enough. But it’s also okay to allow yourself to receive the help you need during this season of your life. We’re in this with you too. You are loved. Genuinely, sincerely, entirely.
I appreciate the kind words from both of you. The suggestions are things I hear everyday and I guess I just can’t make time for myself. I can’t realize that I can change, even typing this I feel like there’s no hope. I don’t know where to go to find people I can connect with. I have never been able to truly connect with people enough for them to want to stay. At this low point in my life, I feel like there’s no chance for me. I have no one.
I don’t know if someone has to come to a kind of revelation to actually take the steps towards healing. In my humble opinion, if you are here, sharing, reaching out, then a part of you is certainly holding onto hope. Which is really good!
I just can’t make time for myself.
Making time for ourselves is not easy if we’re not used to it and if we don’t really feel comfortable with ourselves. Though, if you don’t love yourself that’s actually the main purpose: you don’t take care of yourself because you’d just believe that you are worth it - taking care of yourself is a way to learn to know yourself and recognize your own worth. It’s a way to connect a little more to your emotions, to how you feel also physically, to give yourself the gift of time, which is certainly one of the most precious gift ever. You don’t have to think that you deserve it to actually do it, to actually make room for yourself a little everyday. It’s when you feel like your mind is resisting against something that it becomes interesting to dig into this. It’s really hard, but it’s also very rewarding.
If it’s just a matter of time, then this can always be solved. Time is a matter of personal organization. Also setting priorities. What about making yourself a priority, in ways you didn’t try before? What do you think is holding you back from this? And whether it’s a matter of taking care of yourself or meeting new people, is counseling something you’d be ready to consider? Because when we feel a little lost with ourselves, in our life or specific areas, it can be great to receive an active guidance to move towards the goals we would set for ourselves.
There is hope, friend. Not just in a general sense, but for you. We all have seaons in our life when we don’t really know what to do or where to go. Sometimes because we’ve been disappointed before and it’s hard to believe that we have any future. Sometimes, even if we’re not happy where we are, it feels more comfortable to stay there. But it’s not a satisfying solution either. If you feel lost, then it means you can only find your way from now. And to do this, it’s okay to reach out and get the right support.