How do I love myself?

[ellamarie]

I’ve always struggled with my weight and growing up in a society where beauty standards are created by Hollywood, social media, etc, has made it so hard for me to accept my body. I’m currently trying to lose weight (for the billionth time) and I can’t ever seem to ever reach my “goal.” I struggle with reaching a certain number on the scale and get upset when I work so hard and feel like I’m not making progress. I’ve never liked the way I look in the mirror or how I look in pictures. I never leave the house unless I need to because I hate the way I look. I know that the scale isn’t a measure of overall health, but how do I teach myself that it’s okay to love myself and be comfortable in my body? I’m almost 30 and feel like I’ve lived my whole life ashamed of myself and I’m tired of obsessing over my weight.

On top of all of this, I have dermatillomania (skin-picking) so my face is covered in scabs so I go through a vicious cycle of covering it up with makeup, picking the scabs, over and over again, which makes me hate myself even more.

[Sita]

the first thing to remind yourself is that all those absolutely stupid beauty so-called “standards” which change due to big brands and what they got to sell you?? YEah the models and actresses etc don’t even look like that. The existence of photoshop, a travelling circus of makeup entoruage to put the face on these people for every single event or appearance? Yeah, nobody is really looking like that.

Your body does an amazing thing - it houses you
It is possible to loved yourself, love your body as it is , and also want to improve it. Focus on one tiny thing about yourself you like ( a freckle, a mole, a birthmark, a scar from a pet who played too hard, the mark from a childhood misadventure that has a story behind it). Celebrate that one tiny spot on yourself. Love it. then slowly expand to other things that you like about yourself. your toes, the shape of your fingernail, the way your ears look with a dangly earring.

When we’re beating ourselves p, we lump the whole body together. Claim it back, one tiny square centimeter at a time.

Are you getting help/treatment with the picking? if it’s a compulsion, don’t hate yourself for that, but empower yourself to see how you can help break out of the cycle. You got this friend, you are loved for YOU.

[Sapphire]

Hi Ella,

I totally understand the weight struggle. I’m roughly your age and have been a yo-yoer most of my life. My last big weight loss accomplishment, I approached far differently than anything else I had done. I ended up losing just under 70 lbs over the course of a year or so.

For me, there were 2 solid mindsets involved - 1) I needed to stop approaching food as an emotional crutch. I really needed to actively ask myself for a long time if I was actually hungry or if I was just bored/upset/etc, and along side this was the realization that food is fuel and I started learning pretty quickly that I felt a lot better after eating healthy food than I did after eating junk food. And it really helps when you feel good. 2) It’s less about numbers and more about how you feel, as well as measurements being a more trustworthy test of progress. Aside from how you feel which I kinda went into with point 1, measurements are far more empowering for me, especially when it comes to plateaus. You can plateau and still lose inches which is a good confidence booster during those notoriously frustrating plateaus. Oh, and as a bonus, stop drinking calories. On this weight loss journey I actually drank nothing but water for years. Its a small change that makes a huge difference.

I would also take some time each day to journal or reflect on how you feel and try to come up with some things you like about yourself. I know this is very hard at first but over time it does get easier. It fights the negative mindset that can easily take over, and that paired with a balanced diet and exercise can do absolute wonders for mental health.

I can’t offer too much on the dermatillomania as I don’t have it but I do have mild trichotillomania, so if I’m not paying attention I will pull so much hair that I get a bald spot. Most times with this it’s a will power game that I lose half the time. Whenever I notice myself doing it I try to find something to do with my hands so that I’m doing anything BUT pull hair.

Self love and weight is hard, especially in a world where you’re constantly comparing yourself to celebrities or models or social media stars; Perhaps taking some time away from those things to treat yourself will help in the long run. Best of luck to you, friend.

[HSYouTubeTeam]

Hey ellamarie,

EsRivs responded to your post live on stream today with some wonderful words of support.

Here is a link to her reply so you can watch anytime you need to!

How do I love myself

[blini]

The number on a scale neither defines nor says anything about you. You don’t deserve being reduced to these digits. I know it’s so much easier said than done. I grew up in a weight, calories, and food rules obsessed household where commenting on people’s physical appearance (including mine) was daily business. I’ve experienced this insane suffering and being unhappy with my physical appearance, too.

Few months ago I managed to stop stepping on the scale every single day - that’s what I’ve learned was normal when growing up. Getting rid of that trigger was helpful to me. Maybe this would be something for you, too? I also try to avoid looking into a mirror, especially on bad body image days.

Give up that magic number on the scale you have in mind. What do you think will change once you reach it? Being happy? Happiness comes from within, not by limiting your value to the number on the scale.

I can only recommend unfollowing every single social media account that is triggering, that conveys an unrealistic body image, or talks anything about food rules, dieting, exercising, … (that list is long). Bodies come in different shapes and sizes. That’s totally normal and predominantly defined by genetics. Looking at a bell shaped distribution of people’s weights, we mostly see those on the lower end on social media and get a totally unrepresentative idea of what reality looks like. Look at the people you see IRL. That’s how real people look like.

Maybe it’s worth checking your eating patterns. Has it developed to a coping mechanism for negative emotions, boredom, etc.? Do you have many food rules? Are there labels, things that are not allowed? I don’t know if that’s an issue for you, but binges comes from restricting food, even if you still eat it and the restriction is only in your head.

Diets don’t work. That’s why the diet industry is making billions of dollars and it LOVES telling us we are not okay the way we are (whether it’s diets, beauty, fitness products, etc.). Diets are more likely to result in an eating disorder than in a permanent weight loss.

Maybe some of this is of any help.

You are loved and you matter. The shape and size of your body and the number on the scale do not define you. Not even a teeny tiny bit.

[ellamarie]

Thank you so much for replying. I’m so sad I missed this live, I was at work, but I needed to hear this so much

[ManekiNeko]

I hope you’re feeling a bit better. The one thing that always fascinated me is how models and people on tv can be so unrecognisable in real life.
If you had the right photoshop apps you could look just like them, but people are real with flaws, cellulite, acne, moles, freckles. I don’t know how it became so ingrained in us to be “flawless”.
The other thing is that those beauty standards change so often. There was a model (can’t remember her name) who blew up a few years ago and when she started they told her she would never make it because of the gap in her front teeth. Suddenly it was almost like a trend. It’s crazy how people pick at other peoples bodies. Everyone is born with different marks and features. It should all be celebrated because we are all more than our skin.
There a saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but truthfully beauty is in all of us. It’s in our character and how we treat others. Beauty is more than looks.

Weight can be difficult for some people. Sometimes there’s a natural weight gain with people and I have learned to embrace mine. I went from being a fat kid to being anorexic/bulemic, to being really obsessed with fitness to being a bit bigger. But now I realise I’m happy! Yes I’ve had to start losing a few kg, but my relationship with food has gone from obsession to enjoyment. You’re allowed to enjoy food. Sometimes it’s good to get into a practice of knowing what healthier choices are, but they can be so much fun!
I also discovered this gym near me that does all Zumba like classes. It’s so much fun and everyone there is all different shapes and sizes, but they’re all beautiful people.
Would that sound like something you’d enjoy? You deserve to have fun and love yourself.

Have you spoken to a dr about skin picking? It can be a sign of anxiety ect (not trying to push you or put any diagnosis on you at all), but sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot of stress.

All in all, you deserve to love yourself and to be loved

[Lisalovesfeathers]

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, It sounds like we have lived a similar existence when it comes to food, it is been my friend and enemy all of my life. I too have yoyo dieted too many times to count and each time it gets harder and more frustrating, fad diets, sensible diets tried them all and yes getting on those scales at the end of a week when you have tried your best only to see that this week the scale says no is soul destroying, its like a huge smack in the face with a your just not good enough sign. Im older than you and a few years ago I finally reached a point when I decided that I this was me, being this way didn’t make me a bad per-son, so I had to stop stressing about it and I did and you can too. I think learning to love yourself comes with practice because it certainly doesn’t come naturally to most. Its so much easier to be critical of yourself. You could start by stopping putting expectations on yourself to be perfect, that’s a big one and takes a big load off of your shoul-ders. Another thing you could try is everyday write down 3 things that you like about yourself and they have to be both physical and behav-ioural, save these lists to reflect on when you are having a bad day, which brings me to a gratitude journal, which I love. This prob wont help you to lose weight although it may help you focus but it’s a great way to pour out negative thoughts and start to feel better about the nicer things. I found it worked very well for me. I hope this is a bit of useful information for you friend. I would love to hear how you are do-ing. Much love Lisa XX

[How to Start a Gratitude Journal You’ll Actually Keep - YouTube]
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZghu_xFRM8)

[crazytrain116]

From: crazytrain116

Hey there my friend I am sorry to hear about your battles with the scale and other things you are dealing with physically and mentally. One thing I can emphasize is that the scale does not define you. Another thing I can say from a physical standpoint is that it is a lifestyle change by getting yourself in a better place mentally whether through meditation, journaling, therapy, or whatever you think may work for you and combining it with getting yourself stronger. I would also give yourself some grace because you have lot going on and take it one step at a time. You will have to put in the work, but believe me we are all here to love and support you if you need anything at all. And with the skin issues that does not define you either. I still deal with a lot of acne and other skin stuff myself now at 33. I would see if you can find alternative things you do to help replace the skin picking even if its like wearing gloves or focusing on something else when you find yourself wanting to skin pick. I understand its not an exact science, but I encourage you to find something that works for you to overcome it. Much love my friend - Evan

[DustintheWind]

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey, ellamarie! I know it’s a cliché but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you can find beauty in yourself and find a smile and confident air then that is what people will notice when they see you.

I can understand wanting to lose weight and be healthy and that is a tremendous and admirable goal to have in life. Everyone should be healthy, but you are right that being healthy isn’t about a number on a scale. Put the scale away in a cabinet or closet. Lock it away. It’s your enemy right now.

You cannot lose weight in a healthy and lasting way overnight or with some diet. You need to make slow changes to your life that will last for years and hopefully your whole life. Find a physical activity you enjoy and will want to continue doing. And if you don’t like leaving the house to exercise right now then try something you can do in your home. Yoga or exercise videos. Dancing or cycling. Anything.
And make small changes to your diet. Find something healthy that you will enjoy eating and start eating more of it in some way. For example, I started putting spinach under my scrambled eggs in the morning to add a veggie. Small things that are easy and can add a bit to your health.

More important than the physical part of trying to be healthier is the mental part. You can lose weight so much easier and keep it off if you are happy and loving life. Work on loving who you are and finding a way to stop comparing yourself to others and caring how they see you. Most people are so in their own heads they barely notice strangers let alone what they look like. I hope you can find ways to accept and love yourself more. You are a good person and beautiful in your heart. That is clear from your posts and responses to people’s comments. You are a good person and I hope you find a way to see that.

As for the skin picking have you tried keeping your nails super short by keeping them cut and wearing gloves (it’s covid and winter. People are wearing gloves everywhere) to keep from picking at your face and scabs? I do those tricks to stop myself from scratching at my psoriasis. Maybe that can help you.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey to a healthier life and I hope you come back and continue to update us