I’m having a hard time relaxing today. I have a build up of anguish. So much has happened this year and it hits my chest hard.
My family don’t really talk to me much. I’m basically the black sheep right now, I don’t really share my life with them anymore. I don’t really feel like connecting either. My dad took a lot of his anger out on us kids…and my mom…during our lives and I finally snapped this summer.
I just don’t have a lot of people to talk to. I miss my ex. Even though he was abusive. Crazy right?
I just feel too fucked up to connect with people right now. I haven’t felt this alone in a really long time. It makes me feel like there’s just something wrong with me…I just don’t know how to accept myself right now. I feel like I should have a sign on me that says: caution! Baggage!
Hey @Rosethorn,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with anguish. Is there something that can help you to relax and ease your stress? For me, listening to some soothing music or trying to focus on something I enjoy definitely helps. Sometimes, if I feel that I can, having a walk in nature has a really positive effect. Also, even if you don’t know how to manage this for the moment, it would be awesome to write down ideas for times to come, so you can just use this every time you need.
If you can’t connect with others for the moment, that’s okay. If you feel that you can still come here, that’s already really positive and you’re always free to share what’s going in your mind when you need to do so. Having social interactions can be stressful sometimes. So when you feel too vulnerable, don’t blame yourself. I just want to remind you that you are not alone. 
Also I can understand the fact you miss your ex. It’s not crazy at all. It’s a human reaction. But you know he was abusive, and this reason is more than enough for not being with him anymore. You deserve to be respected by the person with whom you share your life.
Your feelings will pass. I don’t say this to invalidate what you’re going through. Not at all. I just want to reassure you and bring you some perspective concerning what you’re experiencing right now.
Sending much love to you. Things will be okay.
@Rosethorn I’m sorry you going through these feelings right now. That all sucks.
I can tell you you are definitely not alone in feeling like the black sheep of your family, I have definitely felt that way over the past month or so. And like you, I don’t really feel like connecting anymore either. But when people don’t treat you in the way you deserve, I think it’s pretty natural to not care about drifting away from them. I’m sorry for the circumstances that have led you here though. No one deserves to have a parent treat them in such a way. And I am NOT a mental health professional or psychologist BY ANY MEANS, but it kinda makes sense to me why you would miss your ex even though he was abusive, because it sounds like your dad was abusive to some extent to you and your mom growing up. There is probably some sense of normality in your life for being treated in such a way, or maybe deep down it has led you to believe that that is how you deserve to be treated. In any case, you deserve so much better than that.
In spite of all of this, you matter for who you are now and not for what has happened to you in your past. We ALL carry baggage with us, how else do we expect to get from one place to another in life? Nothing that has happened in the past makes you any less of a person now. There are plenty of people here in this community to talk to and to listen to your story.
You matter, hold fast.