Topic.
I’m 36, have battled with depression, anxiety and imposter syndrome since I was around 11 or 12.
It’s always been there.
I haven’t been able to fully kick my depression and all other issues since fall of 2015 when I lost my dream job. That is a long story that, honestly, dont want to go too deep into. Let’s just say I lost my job because instead of following my head and heart in doing what was right, I followed what my boss told me to do and it all fell on me for it.
Since then, I dropped deep into the murky waters of depression. My marriage suffered greatly. My kids felt the negative effects of it and for a long time I couldnt get out of it. Winter 2016 I attempted to take my life. Still deep in my depression, I kept going for my kids. Hand wrapped around the handle, thumb drawn on the hammer and finger on the trigger, all I could see was their little faces seeing their father lowered into the ground and forever wondering why Daddy wasnt there anymore. It broke me in a way that made me want to keep going.
Bouncing from job to job, trying to seek help by meeting with my therapist and things seemed to get better better instead if in my marriage. Too little, too late.
August of last year, my wife asked for a divorce. I was already struggling in marriage and life due to my current job having me be gone on the road for at least 4 weeks at a time and only home for 4 days before going back out.
My depression reared its nasty head back around and slowly started to break me again.
I’m still going through the divorce.
The woman I fell in love with senior year in high school was no longer the person I knew or loved, but a hurtful, conniving combatant in the battle of divorce. I’m left with nothing but the job I hate.
After saying all that…I wonder what everyone else does to keep going?
I think of my kids, but lately all I can see is them just not wanting to talk to me or being busy in doing kid stuff to see their dad.
With my job as truck driver, there isnt much of a routine.
I’m in a different state and town daily. Food sucks. With covid-19, freight has slowed dramatically and money is not like it used to be. I hate to think that money drives everything, but when you have none it really does make a huge difference.
I’m trying to keep my head up and focus on the future and what I would like to do with my life, but when you’re stuck in a spot with little to no end in sight, what does one do?
depression is their riding shotgun.