How it feels /possible TW

[itsnotoveryet]

When I feel stressed, it feels like my body is in power saving mode. Overheated, burnt, and dead while it feels like I’m in the middle of dying. Panic mode in slow motion. Everyone and everything is burning alive while I have the pace of a sloth, slowly watching my arms melt away in front of my eyes. Nothing but deadpan expression, numbed away after countless tears. I just shut down and go silent.

I just got demoted from a job I actually liked because I wasn’t as experienced as they thought. Neither were others, I could tell, but they were there a lot longer than me so of course it makes more sense to build up who you already have, right? I could already tell that’s what they were doing when they cut my hours the first time.

I was a cook and manager for a local place. Lower pay than my last job and finances had to be cut tight and it was a risk I was willing to take because there’s were better opportunities and a much nicer environment than the last corporate cooking manager job I had.

Because of their high expectations, training felt rushed and they went after me for every mistake I made, despite those who have been there longer making those mistakes and it’s not so drastic.

I still kept going regardless. “I need to struggle. Its necessary to get better”. Nope, not better. Pay now is not livable. I have to leave and I’m afraid. My brother takes care of finances at home and he was supportive in my decisions to build up on something new just for it to crash because I wasn’t good enough.

I don’t want another job like my last one. And I’m not looking forward to a job like my current one with high expectations over my head and getting chewed out for tiny mistakes.

I don’t even want much…I’m not working for my passions, nothing about this place aligns with my personal goals. I work myself to the bone and I have all these burns on my skin just to be essentially booted out. Let’s say I stay there, how shameful is it to go from manager to just a cook working there for like 2-5 hours 3 days a week? i can’t afford that and that’s a slap in the face.

I feel like I know what I have to do it’s just scary because of past experiences. You never know what you’re gonna get from a new job. I feel like I have to keep doing this manager thing because I shouldn’t go lower and keep reaching high because we need the money and it’s not like I’m good enough about things I actually care about.

I have no education other than high school and my passion is art, one thing I’m unfortunately shit at and cannot make a living from it. While all at the same time, I’ll work somewhere that burns me out and I have barely any time to focus on that passion.

I know I’m not the only one who has gone though something like this and plenty of people are going through worse, it’s why I really never post here anymore. I feel like a broken record and others deserve to be heard. Thoughts of ending my life keep coming back even though I know I won’t follow through.

I’m being very negative so I figured I’d put a trigger warning just in case.

Sometimes it really feels like none of this is worth it. I’m not good enough, never have been, and everything scares me. I hate it all. I’m sorry.

[DyllonKG]

Hey hey friend. Thanks for posting here today and getting a bunch of this off of your chest. It sounds like it has been a huge weight on your shoulders and I’m glad that I can be here today to help shoulder that burden with you.

In your post, you mention being essentially thrown into a job and moved along/trained at a pace that was rather breakneck while also being nagged and nagged - an environment that you were not thriving in. Eventually, the dam broke and you were demoted whilst others weren’t and that was a gut punch that has jeopardized your finances and stability.

I firstly want to say that, and you don’t need my permission, that it is totally valid to feel frustrated with the job and frustrated at the circumstance. From my perspective, I could see this being endlessly frustrating. But also, I imagine a feeling of anxiety and dread - being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do you move forward and try something else when every time you take a risk, you get burned? At that rate, how many times can someone get burned before they’re just burnt out? I can imagine a bit of hopelessness in that and I’m sorry.

My experience comes from a very different angle. I tried a bunch of 9-5 jobs for a really long time. But I always picked them up quickly and got bored. Or annoyed with the monotony. At some point I started making youtube/twitch content. And for the first few years, it was bad. BAD bad. Junk rather - and I say that without self deprecation. Just a simple truth for a simple time. After a while, I slowly figured it out. But the thing about making art for a living, and performing for people - the anxiety of being good enough or not really crept in. When you put a part of your soul into something - when you distill your very essence into something only for it to get rejected, it stings. When the view count wasn’t high enough or the youtube payout took a nosedive, i was left in shambles thinking “am i not good enough for this.”

A sentiment that it feels like you hold similarly now.

But you are. And I am. While I was the common denominator in all of my pain, it took time and distance (and lots of burn out) to realize that I was ascribing my pain to my inadequacy, because that was the control I needed. If I could somehow make it my fault, then that meant I had control.

The world happens around us and we can try our best to stay strong amidst the wake of it all. Some days are harder than others. When I stopped doing streaming as a full time job, and surrendered myself to the capitalist machine, the resentment I had for myself diminished a bit.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel pangs of it from time to time. But, other people are responsible for how they speak to me, train me in my work, and give me feedback. Im responsible for showing up and doing my best.

Your situation is quite different from mine in a myriad of ways. But you are a competent and capable person. I promise you that. Life is throwing curve balls at you and it makes sense why it would all feel like too much. Being afraid of what comes next makes sense. You can’t control what happens next, but maybe there are other things you can control.

I’m proud of you. More than you know. And if you haven’t heard that enough recently, please read it again.

I have faith that you will pull through and find your footing. Just hold fast my friend.

[itsnotoveryet]

I’m not sure how to put it into words, I feel so heard. Thank you. That part in the beginning, spot on. And sharing your experiences to me gave me a different perspective and I really appreciate that, thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you so much again.