What happened to these kids is absolutely awful. It’s a tragedy. There’s no word for that, really.
Please don’t let the ugliness of this world take you away. You have seen the pain of these parents, siblings, families. Your children need you.
Time is necessary, even though of course it will not be everything. There is a need to reach out and get further support, @Cookchj. Professional help. You deserve to be helped. You deserve to share your pain in ways that won’t be hurtful to you. You deserve to share your voice in healthy places so you could figure out ways to find peace again. How do you feel about medications and therapy? Do you have past experiences - maybe that were not satisfying/helpful to you? It’s worth digging and keep figuring out what could be a real crutch for you.
I am myself 29 and it’s only since this year that I have started to feel as if I am finally existing rather than constantly surviving. Ever since I was little, I’ve been depressed. If I had followed up on hurting myself the ways I intended to, if I actually reached my plans at times, I would not be able to know how it actually feels to hold the entire world in the hug of someone I love. I would have stayed with the idea that therapy of any kind was not for me because it didn’t help at first. You deserve more than what you are experiencing. There is more to it.
I hear what you have shared about your wife and how she reacts. Do you think this environment is playing a huge role in how you’ve been feeling lately? I’m not diminishing what you have shared about your life as a whole and this pain that has been present for a long time, by the way. Just wondering what has been making these 5 last years even more difficult for you.
Please let this gun where it is. Let someone keep it for you. You do not deserve to hurt yourself in any way.