How to deal with my life

HeartSupport Support
1

Hello, since my divorce in 2020 I’ve visited several psychotherapists for the last three or four years. My present state is mostly the result of my disease. I suffer from post-traumatic epilepsy. I had an accident that happened in 2011 and since that time I was either unemployed or did low qualified jobs (I´ve got college education). I can´t do jobs as I did before 2011, because in Czechia people suffering from epilepsy aren’t allowed to drive fleet vehicles. I was working in new projects department or quality department as a quality engineer in automotive and for such jobs, it was also necessary to drive fleet vehicles.

So I applied for administrative jobs, but I think, that I have never been invited to an interview because of my epilepsy, not because I wasn´t qualified for the jobs. So because I love dogs and nature, I worked for a dog shelter or as a forestry worker. Last year I decided to undergo a retraining program “Tiler”, which started in December. The course lasted 150 hours. In the middle of the course I realized, that it gives me nothing. It was such a poor quality. I don´t need a job at all costs. I have consistent income – invalidity pension and moreover I get “housing benefit” – it´s a social benefit from the state in Czechia. After divorce we sold our house that we had built, I can use that money as well.

So, I can´t find any suitable job and moreover also I can´t find a woman for a relationship for myself. I´m trying to find a woman three and a half years. I use dating internet pages. Within that period I met two women, that I was dating for two or three months. I have no other possibility, since I´ve no friends, that I would meet with. I just regularly visit my parents. I´ve never been successful with girls and women (probably because of my nature not because of my looks – I looked better as I’ve grown older). I was 24 years, when I lost my virginity with my wife, which I spent 17 years with and I´ve always been faithful and I believe she´s been as well. She supported me a lot after the accident. I was also her first man/boy to have sex with. She was 17 years old, we met at the disco. I was “going clubbing” alone almost for three years, before I met her. During that time, I met only one girl, I was dating about two months.

This week I ended my sessions with the therapist. Since I realized, that it´s pointless. I no more believe, that I meet someone or that or find a job I would love/like. I don´t consider and very probably never will consider “suicide”, because there is always something to do, that gives you reason to live another day (except for some case I’d suffer from disease causing great suffering and pain) or unbearable low quality of living.

So I decided to change my life completely. I decided to use step by step the money that I got for selling the house, for my pleasures – travelling and sex tourism. Maybe I can start Onlyfans account or something like that with selling sex videos. Maybe it´s going to work maybe not.

All my life I was that “Nice boy” helping everybody, decent, faithful, hurt nobody, vegan. Maybe if I turn my life upside down, it will change to better.

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Hey Friend!

Welcome to HeartSupport! I’m glad you found us and welcome to the family!

Thank you for sharing your story and telling us some of the things you’ve been dealing with in life.

I’m sure your extremely frustrated with things especially considering you were at one point working professionally in something you can’t necessarily break back into. Moving laterally in a career change is exceptionally challenging and is different from country to country, so take what I say with a grain of salt as I’m from the US and I’m unsure of how things work in Chechia in this regard.

Typically when an individaul want’s to laterally transfer jobs (moving to admin from quality, etc.) they’ve got to either “upskill themselves” (go back to college and either get another degree or an advanced degree) or by stepping down into a “lower” position. In the latter, it’s like you’re in a senior position, but becasue it’s an entirely different set of responsibilities and what not, you’d have to start at square one again and then move back up the latter.

I’m glad you’re at least in a position to where having a job is something you want rather than something you need so that at least gives you options and the ability to consider what it is you really would like to do.

While I’m not advising against the OnlyFans approach, have you considered starting your own online business selling products, marketing or anything like that? We live in an age where we can sit at home and make money while we sleep without having to leave our home. I’m sure there’s plenty of things that you can explore within this realm.

Though, on the idea of doing an onlyfans - While it may sound fun and adventerous, consider the effects of doing a 180 degree turn in your life. No matter what it is whenever a friend tells me they will do something dramatic to change their life, I caution them in the sense of swinging the pendelum so far from one direction to the other has unintended consecuences. Think of the weather, for example. When it’s really hot out and a cold front moves in and drops the temperature dramatially, a severe storm forms. Maybe postulate at the potential “storm” that may roll in if you were to pursure this. Would you be okay with dealing with that storm? If so, great. If not, what can you do to make it through?

At any rate, I think it would be worthwhile to go out to the local coffee shop, library, church or some volunteer program to meet people, friends, and women to surround yourself and help to continue your self development to help you evolve into the next version of yourself, what ever it is you see for yourself.

I hope these perspectives help a little bit. Stay strong my friend and welcome to HeartSupport once again!

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Welcome @M_M , and thank you for taking the time to share how your life has been.
Between the lack of relationship and the mediocre employment, your life is sounding rather bland. You’re able to get enough income to cover your needs and to enjoy some activities, but your life is not as engaging as you would like it to be.
Looking at your streak of being unemployed or underemployed, I can imagine in that you probably feel disappointed or resentful at not being able to find a better way of life. I have been in that place of not being able to find the kind of employment that is both fulfilling and pays well. During those times, I focus more on my friendships that I’ve made through my hobby. We’re able to connect with each other through the activity and sometimes we hang out after the activity just being social. I don’t know what hobbies would most interest you, but I hope that you’ll be able to find at least one that will help you form meaningful friendships.
Take care.